Might As Well As Call It Snow Queen
11-6-99
Once upon a dime, a fairly large dime one might add, a bell would chime, whilst a mime mimed as a lime, all of this upon a dime. And in a parallel world with the miming mime as a lime in time with the bell that chimed upon a dime, there were two little boys, neither who mimed as a lime upon a dime, but a bell would chime occasionally, but only once upon a time.
These two boys lived next to each other and grew up with one another, one serious faced, one banged, green eyed boy by the name of Trowa and a fair haired, cerulean eyed, gentle faced boy by the name of Quatre. Between their two families, grew a lovely garden of red roses and white, in which the two boys would meet, whether the balmy, gentle temperatures of spring or the fierce gales of fall.
Then one clear winter day, while the two boys played in the frozen garden, it came to pass that the mime decided to mime as a rime as opposed to a lime. Unfortunately at that chiming of the occasional bells time, two ice daemons by the name of Dee and Da, their family name being Obla, were transporting an ice sculpture of a kitsune. The disruptive change of lime to rime caught them unawares, and the two daemons dropped the sculpture of ice. It shattered in mid-air and fell in tiny pieces, invisible to the human eye. One of those pieces fell into the solemn faced boy's one peeping eye.
"Oh, " he cried, clasping a hand to the eye, a bit over dramatically but not enough to cause an acute case of OOC. Quatre immediately asked what the matter was. And his friend replied in a voice much like the sliver of ice that had fallen into his heart, with a twist of cinnamon and a swirl of raspberry sorbet, "Nothing." He then quietly excused himself and left the fair haired boy alone and confused in the icy garden. That tiny piece of ice had slid from the uni-banged boy's eye to his heart and had embedded itself there.
Later that day, Quatre heard that his friend had run away to join the circus, only to be swept away by a carriage. The carriage had been drawn by ice horses, gilded with frost, and an ice maiden dressed in a pure white kimono rested within it. The green eyed boy was invited into the carriage, and the entire envoy of carriage, boy, horses, and maiden had disappeared into the heavens above.
The gentle faced boy was greatly saddened by this news, for everyone, except the butcher and the shoe-maker down the road, two houses to the right, knew that the heavens above led to the land of gods, daemons, and wedgies. Quatre's guardian angel, who shall be given no name because s/he has no other appearance than to show up once and forever disappear, sent down a raven to help the boy find his friend. The cerulean eyed boy was busily crying his eyes out, not literally becuase that would simply be too disgusting for the purpose of this fic, not to mention the possiblity of treading on said eyes while blindly searching for them, another major ick factor, but turned his head up at the caw-cawing of the raven. On the perch of a just appeared, for the dramatic effect of having a raven in a tree, tree was a sleek raven. Well, technically, it was a dark haired, dark eyed, dark clothed, young boy approximately the same age as the not so literally crying his eyes out yay for the non ick factor blonde boy. He resembled nothing like a raven, except for the single black feather jauntily placed atop a black beret, but since a raven is rather hard to procure in the parallel world of the former liming, now riming mime upon a dime, the boy was a raven. So there. Nyah. Nyah. Nyah.
And the boy named Quatre knew, in the inexplicable, singularly spectacular type way a supposedly previously normal person decides one day that two boys are much prettier than a boy and a girl, that the raven had been sent to help him in his quest.
"Oh, pretty raven, tell me where my friend has gone to."
"I am *not* pretty or a raven." Though many would argue the former if not the latter, the raven replied resignedly, "Your friend has been taken to the Land of Eternal Ice, where everything is eternally incased in ice, for Eternity and a Day."
"Oh, pretty raven, tell me how I might rescue him from his fate as a single banged popsicle."
The raven sweatdropped hugely and, barely repressing the need to chant something about yellow brick roads, replied, "I will guide you on your journey. First we must travel to and through the Deep Dark Woods for no other reason that every quest must have a Deep Dark Something."
The blonde boy nodded his head in agreement, for he too knew the ways of the mysterious not so fantastical fairy tale parody, and followed the raven into the heavens above.
How they got up there, one can only speculate for the narrator is experiencing a dearth in creativity at this moment, due to the rabbit gnawing at her ankles, but they got up there. So there. Nyah. Nyah. Nyah.
And Quatre had to walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk until his rather well made, and almost brand new shoes were worn thin, for the plot could not advance without the soles being worn. There was a lot of walking for they were very well made shoes, made by the forty dancing nekky Magnac shoe elves but that is a thought one might not wish to examine too closely. Really.
When Quatre's poor feet were growing very bruised and sore indeed due to all the walking, and to the readers who have already forgotten the walk, see above, they finally reached the edge of the Deep Dark Woods. And from the Deep Dark Woods, emerged a Deep Dark colored pair of shorts, where upon a Deep Dark Voice muttered "Omae o korosu, " in a Deep Dark Way.
The poor tired, heart sore, feet weary, blue eyed boy found his cute stubby nose pressed in by the business end of a Deep Dark Gun, and the end of the business end of the Deep Dark Gun were a pair of Deep Psychotic Blue Eyes. In case the boy hadn't heard the Deep Dark Threat the first time, the other boy, the one holding the gun? remember?, reiterated, "I will kill you, " and indeed looked psychotically capable of doing so.
That is until a gundamanium frying pan met the back of his head, after an extensive greeting and exchange of cards, Hee-chan's head, along with the rest of him, fell to the forest floor. A frantically chanting referee proceeded to slam his hand into the ground next to the felled boy's head. "Seven.. Eight... Nine.. Ten, and the new champeen of the Deep Dark Forest is Duuuuuuooo!!!" The referee then raised the triumphant hand of the gundamanium frying pan wielding black toga clad boy. Quatre started applauding, being the cheerful participant type person he is. The raven chose to remain silent, for it was the way of the ravens... that and the fact that he was too busy being befuddled.
The braided boy then shooed away the referee and hauled the Deep Dark Unconscious Boy over one shoulder and gestured for the raven and Quatre to follow him. "Sorry about that, " he sighed, "We don't have visitors that often, and Hee-chan tends to get excited about it yanno? Really, he's a sweet fella."
Quatre and the raven kept their own counsel on "Hee-chan's" personality to themselves, for who in their right minds could love a loon than another loon. And somewhere out there beneath the clear blue sky, a loon looned, "Looooon looooon loooooon." The raven decided to fly off mysteriously as ravens were wont to do, to locate more information on Trowa, not to mention getting away from the way too trigger happy spandex boy, unconscious though he might be.
Soon they arrived at a small cottage, and the black toga clad boy and Quatre trooped inside. Duo cheerfully deposited his sack of potatoes on a chair, propping him up, and nimbly tied him to the chair so as to cause less property damage when he awoke from his Deep Dark slumber. One could note that the purple eyed boy evinced a great deal of skill and deftness of fingers, as if quite used to tying knots, but that is neither here nor now, so forget everything said in this particular sentence.
After Quatre had explained his particular situation, not to mention the worn status of his shoes, while Duo nodded and made sympathetic noises, all the while tying bright blue fluffy bows in the gun wielding boy's hair, the bright faced boy offered his help. He was the God of Thieves and Travellers, not necessarily in that order, which would explain the toga if never the ribbons in the other boy's hair. He handed Quatre a pair of bright sparkling, glittering high heeled shoes, complete with jeweled rhinestones and matching silver buckles.
"Don't look at me like that, " for indeed the blonde haired boy was staring at Duo queerly *coughs* if not strangely, "These shoes are enchanted and will never wear out, never give you blisters, nor will they run after your boyfriend driving gundam enforced pink tanks. Plus, if you press this, the button is in the back, " he did so, "It plays 102 Hits, backwards." He handed the... treasure carefully into Quatre's hands. "Oh yeah, and they're also a mark of my protection an so none will harm a traveller with my sigil on him." Briefly purple eyes flashed a brillaint white.
The cerulean eyed boy politely thanked the obviously nutso god and tried on his shoes. Duo was right, they were perfect.
"Omae o korosu."
"Oh, look, Hee-chan's awake." The braided god waved cheerfully at his stony faced, tied up, beribboned boyfriend. Even the mime miming as a rime upon a dime paused to take in the view.
Lovely.
The blonde haired boy then heard a cracking sound and peered warily at the Deep Dark now not so unconscious Boy, afraid that it was the sound of a mind cracking like the sound of a ripe 10 pound watermelon breaking on the nice hard pavement, but no, it was just Hee-chan breaking free of his chair and ties, which was not a good thingy one should note.
So noted, Quatre hastily took leave of his braided host and fled out the door, bright silver shoes flashing and leading his way through the Deep Dark Woods to the tune of "Lion, and Tigers, and Bears, Oh my!" Even running as fast as he possibly could, which to his thoughts were pretty damned fast but when compared to a cheetah or the Road Runner wasn't that fast, the blue eyed boy heard Duo's chipper, "Have a nice na-gak!" Quatre supposed Hee-chan was one of those types that awoke with a frisky Mr. Happy, which would explain all those gundamanium frying pans with Hee-chan shaped dents lying scattered all about the cottage.
Quatre met the raven once more, within the Deep Dark Woods while his shoes played "Over the Hills."
"Oh, pretty raven, won't you tell me of the news you have found?"
The raven decided then and there to never protest his non-avian status. After all, *he* knew the truth and that was all that mattered, surely. "I have traveled far and wide, hither and thither, into every nook and cranny, wardrobe and drawer, have found far too much evidence that fat balding middle aged men wear red corsets than befits my peace of mind, and finally, yes, I have heard news that your Trowa has courted a princess in a neighboring kingdom."
"Oh, pretty raven, what the *censored*???"
The raven backed off, pretty damned hard to do on the perch of a tree but he did his best, from the steam and flames, an oxymoron dont'cha know, rising from the usually sweet boy's form. Kinda kewl actually. Hurriedly, he added, "The princess of that particular kingdom was very very very very depressed and her parents despaired and offered their kingdom on a platter, not to mention a fat investment portfolio, if someone managed to shake her from it. And finally, after countless suitors, a brown haired man managed to charm her from her ennui."
"Oh, pretty raven...."
The raven tilted his sleek head in question.
"I will kill everyone."
The raven wisely chose not to answer and instead led the now deranged formerly gentle faced boy out of the Deep Dark Woods which they had entered for no apparent reason whilst the sparkling shoes merrily trilled to the tune of "I'm Gonna Wash that Boy right out of my hair..."
By the time, the raven and Quatre reached the neighboring palace containing the princess of rumours, both were ready to take the glittering shoes and dump them into the nearest Interdimensional, time transversial portal. But fortunately for the soundtrack sales of this fic, the twosome quickly forgot their vengeful plans as they managed to sneak past the guards, the shoes trilling, "Lullaby and good night..." They made their way to the royal bed chambers without any problems, though the raven did wonder if the steam rising from the blonde's head and nostrils constituted a problem.
Quatre kicked the door open with his sparkle sparkle shoes which sang, "Knock three times if you want me, twice on the pipes..." Two heads started from their sleeping positions, one blonde and one brown. The steaming boy pounced upon seeing the dark head of hair and landed on the bed, slamming his knees into the blonde's chest, forcing the other man back down on the bed with an oof. The raven perched on a chair and idly wondered how long it would take before Quatre realized that the brown haired boy wasn't Trowa.
The shoes sang, "Strangers in the night..."
"Zechs, I do believe there's a blonde boy with singing shoes on your chest."
The long haired man gave his bed mate a -look- before looking down at the confuzzled boy. "If you'll excuse me..."
Quatre hastily rolled off of him, nearly kneeing Treize in an uncomfortable place in his haste to untangle himself. The uncomfortable place being his face... hah.
The shoes hummed, "What's the story, morning glory. What's the tale, nightingale..."
As the blonde boy had related his story, face bright red, Treize, as he introduced himself, and Zechs listened interestedly.
"Ah. The young pirincess would be my younger sister, Relena. The poor chit had hypnotized herself while trying to cast a spell. Treize, " he gestured at the lounging figure in silk, "snapped her out of it, and I, " Zechs looked rather smug, "snapped him up." Both men looked absurdedly comfortable reclining mostly nude in their bedroom before two stranger, one may note.
So noted, Quatre blushed furiously determined *not* to speculate... but the shoes sang, "Let's get physical, physical...." He was not amused, resolving to have a little talk with Duo when Trowa had been rescued.
Finally, Treize spoke, "I have heard of this ice maiden. She lives in the North, next to the land of the wedgies and between the Valley of the Spandex. You will need a ride." He stretched and murmured something in Zechs' ear, at which the blonde nodded in response.
"Treize will supply you with his rose carriage which will take you to the ice maiden's castle. Beware the spandex wedgies, and may the schwartz be with you." Zechs looked particularly pained at the last line.
Quatre graciously thanked them and left the room, shoes trilling, "So Long, farwell. I really hate to go~..." The twosome made their way to the rose carriage, which was aptly named.
Even the mime miming as a rime paused to facefault, nearly falling off the dime and smacking his head into the bells which went chime chime chime. Needless, to say the raven and Quatre facefaulted as well.
The rose carriage *was* a rose carriage, which was to say that it was a huge red rose with enough room for two to be seated in the middle. No horses or harnesses were set up to draw the thing, Quatre, shoes crooning, "Everything's coming up roses.", and the raven sat rather gingerly within the vehicle. The blonde haired boy knew, knowing as all semi heroes or at least heroic type protagonists knew, how to start the thing.
He stood up quite suddenly, gave voice to an ear piercing shriek which was figurative as opposed to literal to avoid the ick factor once more, and belted out, as well as a female seiyuu playing a male character could belt out which is to say A+ for effort but B- for results, the shoes lending a rising and falling counterpoint to the whole thing, the Ride of the Valkyires. The raven nearly fell out of the carriage due to the size of the sweatdrop wihich appeared, which would actually have been a~ok if only the raven had been a real raven as opposed to a young boy dressed all in black with a black feather in his cap.
And within the palace...
"Really Treize, how plebian of you. Wagner?"
"There's something to be said for the right theme for a conquest. Besides, they were all out of the 'Sugar Plum Fairies' start up."
". . . . . ."
Now, one may wonder how a rose travels alone with only a song to motivate it. Then again, one might as well wonder how a rose grew to be that size, or how Treize managed to get his hands on it, or even who tumbled who in regards to Treize and Zechs, it was a mutual tumble roll slap tickle grope grope Hidey Ho, by the way, but really why bother lingering on such mundane manners which is to say that there is no reason in the land, or in this fic but damned if this sentence isn't an interesting one to write, or read one may hope.
The rose, travelling with the speed of a college student high on sugar, lack of sleep, fatigue, and insomnia bouncing around the dorm room which begins to resemble a rubber room after staying up way too long searching for previously unexplored yaoi homepages, which is to say very quickly without regards for bodily safety, actually moved by spinning round and round and round and round, like the teacups at Great Adventure which one rides with one's sibs and spins round and round and round with them, which one also learns never to ride before or after a meal or when said sibs are high on Coke slushies and a lollipop the size of a Buick and then some.
The shoes weren't helping, "Your love spins me round and round... Abracadabra..."
They travelled very quickly if not healthily up the ravine of the pinballs and pin cushions, through the Geysers of Pink Fey Dust, past the Field of Loose Change and Morals, under the Bridge of Cards, slipping past Where the Wild Things Are, and passing by the Mysterious Tollbooth. They barely squeaked past where the Valley of Spandex and Land of Wedgies met, barely meaning that both raven and the questing hero ended up with a pain in the ass by the time it was over, and not a happy happy joy joy pain either. When it was over, the two boys had a fair good clue as to why Hee-chan was always in such a Deep Dark Mood.
Ouch.
When the rose, as in literally shaped like a rose not rose scented, rose drawn, or rose enchanced, carriage stopped its spin spin spin progress, the boy and his raven gladly stumbled out, kissing the icy ground. A rather bad move on their parts as their lips became frozen to the ground. How embarassing to come this far, past so many obstacles, only to be felled by such.. such.. such..
Moving right along, the shoes, almost snickering, sang "Your love is like a heat wave~!" and melted the ice all around them.
Quatre and the raven, who had gone unnamed throughout the fic and will remain so for the rest of it, immediately leaped up and attempted to gather the tattered shreds of dignity about them, much like a well fu-... well tumbled uke will after screaming his fool head off no no no no but meaning no, don't stop or no, don't touch me there touch me *here*, touch a touch a touch a touch me, I wanna to be dirty thrill me chill me fulfill me, creature of the night~!
. . . . .
In other words, the cerulean eyed boy and the not really avian weren't feeling very heroic, but let's ignore that.
So, armed with nothing more than their courage, Quatr'e love for his missing friend, and the fervent hope that the fic was finally drawing to its screwy end, the twosome trooped inside, the shoes melting all the guards of ice daemons, faeries, goblins, gooblinks, and goobers, singing, " Is this burning an Eternal Flame..."
In the central ballroom, Quatre saw his best friend, his one banged koibito, his main squeeze, his steady, his smoochie kins, his special pearl, his . . . his . . . the shoes burst out singing, explaining the boy's feeling through song
"Nothing you can say can take my away from my guy.
Nothing you can do cause I'm stuck like glue to my guy.
Like birds of a feather we stick together.
I'm telling you from the start, I can't be torn apart from my guy.""Trowa!" Quatre spread his arms wide as if in flight which the non-raven couldn't do and made to leap into the other boy's arms. Instantly the shoes switched to a heart breakingly, teeth achingly sweet, sweeping version of "Love Story."
The bang lifted from his previously studious regards of the pieces of ice spread about his feet, the one visible green eye widened, and the blue, faintly trembling lips opened in rpely, and he spoketh . . .
"Who are you?"
The orchestral music coming from the shoes screeched to a halt as if every single string had snapped, as Quatre facefaulted right into the ice, the solid sheet cracking by the sheer weight of his fall. The raven had almost tipped over as well with the sheer weight of his already frozen sweatdrop.
Then both the raven and the mostly frozen Trowa stood to the side as Quatre, breathing fire figuratively not literally, it would burn burn burn damn painfully cause there's the ick factor again, ranted about old, un~funny jokes, stupid stories, the butt floss that was passing as a g string which he was wearing for no real purpose, and did *anyone* know how horrible all 29 sisters on PMS was, and all that good clean ranting type stuff.
The blonde, after his fun fun speech, grabbed Trowa by the shoulder, barely escaping lobotomy via the frozen bang, and shook the boy fiercely. "Don't. You. Dare. Claim. Amnesia!! You didn't even injure your head this time!" So freaking, Quatre burst into tears, the combination of butt floss, stress, cold, flying spandex wedgies, and the possibility that 3x4/4x3 pairings were waning, and that he'd never get laid a huge burden on his already overburdened psyche.
The tears dropped over Trowa's chest and dislodged the sliver of ice which had taken room and board, with thoughts of expanding to a summer house in the liver and pancreas, within the boy's heart.
Trowa, looking less frozen by the second, carefully gathered the sniveling boy in his arms and asked, "Quatre?" The blonde boy looked up and...
Sparkle Sparkle
The raven quickly slapped on a pair of sunglass, as the ice reflecting back their sparkles threatened to blind all living creatures. The light emnating from them became a pure column of sparkling sparkling light which dropped a flock of geese at 500 paces and left a permanent scorch along the underside of the dime, which also not so incidentally fried the mime into returning to miming as a lime. It also made the rose carriage go boom, and the rose petals swirled everywhere, but most especially around the sparkling couple.
Then the ice maiden in the snow white kimono came floating in, looking mildly startled to have a sparkly column of light, a sunglass wielding non raven who was now lounging in an ice beach chair catching a few rays to maintain his smooth, toasty brown num num bronze skin, and the rose petals that swirled all around. She summed up the situation in one word.
"Ara?"
The ice maiden invited them all to tea, after having explained the accident with the ice kitsune and that Trowa had been brought here for her to *heal* as soon as she had heard from Dee and Da, family name Obla, what had happened. She generously invited them to stay the remainder of the week for the wedding of her niisan to his kitsune, whom the statue had been a wedding gift for. They all accepted.
Eventually Quatre got laid, the damned shoes singing, "Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy, " all night long. They moved into a sound proof apartment later on.
The raven, after enjoying a minor success as a stand in for several famous birds, was discovered to be a very pretty human boy later on. He enjoyed even more success and became an over night celebrity, marrying his then publicity agent, Sally Po.
And somewhere the God of Thieves and Travellers smacked a Deep Dark Boy in the head with a gundamanium frying pan, just for kicks.
And the mime continued miming as a lime on the slightly scorched underside of the dime, moving in time to the ringing of the chimes but only once upon a time, and now the time was "At an end", and it rang thus so...
Ye Merry Olde Ende.