Living the Nightmare
Part Two
That was it. He couldn't take anymore of this. He wasn't going to be mocked anymore.
"No. I'm not going back to sleep. And neither are you," Heero stated as calmly as possible.
"Heero, go back to sleep, " Trowa repeated in a weary voice.
"I'm serious Trowa. Sit up and we're going to talk."
"As am I. Heero.........."he paused, as if calculating what words would have the effect he wished for. "Shut up. It's best for us both that we sleep."
Shut up? Nobody told Heero Yuy to shut up. The familiar indignation crawled up the boy's spine, slowly, empowering him with every heartbeat. The resentment he fought so hard everyday was coming back tenfold. Nobody treated him the way Trowa did and lived. It wasn't Trowa's fault, he kept repeating to himself. Trowa didn't understand how much Heero would give him, how much he loved him, how much his indifference was killing Heero inside. He'd opened up to this boy, shared his true world with this boy, all the joy and pain in his life with this boy. It was about damn time Trowa did the same. No one else knew his inner workings as well as the Gundam Heavyarms' pilot did.
No one else took advantage of his inner workings as well as Trowa did.
The Japanese boy twisted the silken sheets beneath his fist. His lover was going to learn the way things needed to work around here.
" After all that, all you can tell me is to shut up?"
Do you mean this horny creep
Set upon weary feet
Silence.
" After all my caring, all you can tell me is to shut up?! "
Silence.
" Stop it Heero. I don't need this."
Who looks in need of sleep
That doesn't come
"Really Trowa? Well what the hell do you need then?! Obviously not love and support. Gods know you don't need what I've been fucking giving you since the beginning of this relationship!" he spat, the last sentence getting caught in his throat.
Trowa pushed the sheets off of him, twisting, raising up like a corpse from the grave in complete silence. He sat up to his full height, turning to face Heero in the darkness. The air of uneasiness thickened.
This twisted, tortured mess
This bed of sinfulness
"You don't know what you're saying, " he whispered coldly.
Heero noted the warning. His lover never whispered that low unless he was about to put a bullet through a man's temple. But testosterone flowed all too freely through his blood to cut him off . Something needed to be said. He wouldn't cower this time.
" I think you realize what I'm saying is right, don't you Trowa? What is it you really need? Someone as lifeless and as uncaring as you? Is that how you thought I would be? Dead? Is that why you couldn't handle Quatre, Trowa? Did he care too much?!"
Who's longing for some rest
And feeling numb
He hadn't meant to say that.
" You have no right to mention Quatre!!" Trowa cried out, slapping Heero as hard as he could.
Like lightning splitting the heavens, the pilots lost it.
" I don't Trowa? I think I have the right to mention anything I damn well want to after what you've put me through! You asshole!"
He gripped the wrist of the hand that had slapped him, holding on tight, crushing the clown's white skin until ugly red marks formed.
What do you expect from me
"I'm the only one who'll put up with your shit, aren't I Trowa? "
What is it you want
"No else could stand loving you and getting nothing in return, could they?"
Whatever you've planned for me
"Is that the only reason I'm here? To be your toy?"
I'm not the one
"So you can derive pleasure from me only when you feel like it? Well Trowa, speak up for once! What am I to you? Do you even care?!!!"
Nothing could be heard except the harsh intake of breath.
He couldn't take it anymore. The yelling, the anger, what he had done, what he hadn't; his mind was eating him alive.....
"Shut up Heero!! Just shut up!!! I'll tell you why no one wants me! Because I'm used goods, that's why! I'm not pure, I'm tainted, I'm sick!"
A vicious appetite
Visits me each night
Jerking his arm out of the other boy's grasp, Trowa clutched his head, trying to shove the doubts, fears, pain, and sanity that was slipping through his fingers back into his skull.
"How can you talk Heero? Were you raped brutally? Repeatedly?!"
And won't be satisfied
Won't be denied
"Are you worth nothing Heero? Was your life, self-esteem, trust, ripped out of you?!"
An unbearable pain
A beating in my brain
"Do you have nightmares that don't go away when you open your eyes? Haunt you at the slightest touch?"
That leaves the mark of cain
Right here inside
"I'm not worth having love wasted on me! My life is nothing, a wretched wasteland! I have no feelings Heero!! They were robbed from me, spat on, crushed!"
What am I supposed to do
The bloodlust within Heero vanished. His urge to make Trowa feel the pain he had was stabbing him through the heart, force-feeding him the agony of hurting the one you love.
"Yes Heero, I will say it! The others are right! Your boyfriend is nothing more than unfeeling garbage!"
When everything that I've done
Trowa was slumped against the wall, shuddering. Heero hadn't meant for this to happen....
"You can't even comprehend how hard it is for me to love someone, and yet you think you have the right to complain?"
Is leading me to conclude
"What is it you want to hear Heero? That I'm not good enough for the perfect soldier to waste so much effort on?"
I'm not the one
"You're right, I'm not!!!"
A cold, thick, lump settle into Heero's stomach. He needed to vomit.
"It was a mistake for me to want to love you! I thought you'd understand me!"
Whatever I've done
I've been staring down the barrel of a gun
Trowa stumbled out of bed, his only covering being a sheen of cool sweat. Illuminated by the moon, he hugged his body, trying to make his way to the restroom, pushing over whatever got in his way.
"Trowa!" Heero cried as he got up to follow after his lover.
"Why are you doing this to me??!!!!"he called back, slamming the bathroom door.
Is there something you need from me
"Trowa!"
He jogged to the bathroom in the darkness, accidentally stepping on a glass shard from something the other pilot broke. It pierced his foot, causing Heero to feel on the floor to see what it had come from. It felt like a picture frame. Trowa'd smashed the only picture they had, a snapshot of himself and Heero at the circus hugging a lion. Pulling out the blood-covered shard, Heero wondered why he'd been such a jerk.
Are you having your fun
Why he had to yell at his delicate, scared boy. Why he was so malicious, why he had to break the broken boy even further. Clutching the frame, he made his way to the restroom.
Sitting on the white tile floor, Trowa listened to the buzz of the fluorescent light. Cold seeped through his bones, pervading his whole body. Frantically he tried to gather his thoughts. Heero didn't need him, he thought over and over again as he fondled a razor blade.
I never agreed to be
Why he was in love with him, Trowa never knew. There was nothing to love.
Your holy one
But Trowa needed Heero. Needed that comfort and support. And his precious soldier was robbing him of that. He wanted desperately to give back all Heero gave him, but he couldn't, he didn't have it in him. He knew that, so why didn't Heero? So he couldn't blame his lover from finally taking away the trust he had in Trowa. If he ended this though, he'd stop all the pain and suffering. Heero would be free to go to someone who could take care of him properly. Duo wanted to, he was aware of that. Trowa's eternal nightmare would end, and so would Heero's.
He heard the rattle of the bathroom doorknob being turned repeatedly.
"Trowa......unlock the door. Let me in."
"No Heero," he replied, his usual calm voice finally restored.
"Trowa? Are you okay now? I...I didn't mean what I said Trowa. I'm sorry. That was disgustingly low of me...."
"It's okay Heero. Everything will be fine."
Then it clicked in the Japanese boy's mind. Trowa portrayed more than his usual calm.
"Trowa, let me in. Don't hurt yourself Trowa."
" Heero, I've hurt you enough."
"No...no, you better not be contemplating what I think you are."
" It's the only option I'm capable of taking."
"Trowa that's not true! Please, we can work this out.....let me in Trowa. Let me in and thing's will be fine. You're a rational person, I know you are. Open up. It's ok to get upset Trowa, but this isn't healthy...."
A quiet laugh came from within the restroom at the irony of that remark.
"Heero, I love you, and I hope you see that any road I take is a dead end. It's fate."
"Trowa!Trowa!!! Stop talking like that! I'm here, I love you, let me help you!"
He couldn't take this anymore. Heero started busting the door down.
"Good bye my love........."
Whatever I've done
I've been staring down the barrel of a gun
Part Three
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