The Red Queen


Notes: Again, as with Heads will Roll this is meant to be seen in full Emoticon vision *grins* So go here ah.. self explanatory no? *grins* I did warn of a potential sidestory to 'heads will roll' aka what happens when Duo goes to Unconscious Pimp Faery Land :evil. Short and hopefully mind numbing - this one is a bit more convoluted >D and uses less emoticons :( I was going to do more of an Alice in Wonderland thingy but the idea of a long fic *shudders* did sooo like totally not like appeal to me.. dude.

"I'm Falling. Fa~~lling!! Fa-" Disgruntled, Duo cut off his screams mid-fall (fall as in his cry of fall not his actual Fall, and the fall was cut off because Duo stopped screaming not because his Fall was stopped by a *schplat* and a Duo sized splatter mark on the ground.) Obviously, no one was going to send a big flying fish to break his fall err.. Fall. "K'so, and I would have looked *good* as a Magic Knight too." He sighed and set aside his disappointment as dressing up as a school girl in flimsy, colorful armor and the pointless cross referencing of fellow mecha maniacs as he contemplated his Fall.

[ disclaimer ]
This narrator wishes to distinguish Duo's Fall and the capitalization thereof with the more widely known and accepted Lucifer's Fall. Junior Fell because he tried to take over Big Daddy's throne. Duo Fell because he got drunk off his ass, *Fell* into Unconscious Pimp Faery Land, and is now having a hell of a dream which is about to get -(insert reader's choice of comparative adjective ***Can be filled at a later date at reader's discretion***)-. Though if a parallel is cared to be drawn between the two fFalls, perhaps Junior was also drunk off his ass, Fell into Unconscious Pimp Faery Land, and we are all dream people in his little nightmare.


The narrator thanks you for continuing to read despite the confusion, and a suitable replacement noun will be sought for diligently.

Thank you.

p.s. Though to be honest, there's nothing quite like falling like... Falling.
[ /disclaimer ]

Thanks to Duo's impeccable but undeniably eclectic tastes in fashion though, rescue was almost at hand. Or rather at leg. Both legs. His black baggy on top and tight fitting on bottom pants had taken up enough air through the cuffs of his pants legs. Yes, he *was* barefoot with silver and black nailpolish.

Everyone has their fetishes, so what if giving pedicures is Heero Egbert Yuy's? Well, at least one of them at any rate.

But back to the pants.

They were taking in air faster than a prostitute after giving oral to the Jolly Green Giant; they were also expanding faster than said Jolly Green Giant's loin... cloth .

Duo, being ever so observant, noticed this phenomenom post haste. His rapid Fall to the ground recalled more of the gentle sway of a bamboo in the breeze or Heero's hips when attempting to wriggle out of shrunken spandex. Observant the boy may be, he was also loquacious to a fault, leading to the inevitable. The maxim being of course - You can lead an inevitable to its conclsion but you can't make it spit. "Oi, pants! Is it really physically possible to keep this up? I mean... the pressure's gonna give at any minute, won't it?"

The inevitable led to the conclusion and spat faster than a tobacco chewing llama.

*pop**pop**pop*pop* went the seams of his pants.
*Zoom* went the zipper to elope with his buttons to form a holey and circular harem.
*flip flop* went his shredded plants, flying off to have tea with the Left Socks in the Laundromat Land.
*pantsless* went Duo; he also did this in alternating patterns of sine 15.

"Holy shi-*boing*, " went the clothing impaired boy, nekky legs flailing in a most nympho ah... nymph like manner. The boing was his face bouncing off the bed which he had landed on for those readers still curious and not contemplating that comparative adjective for later.

As Duo lost consciousness, his last thought was, Note to self: Do not talk reason to pants. Second note to self: Do ask pants for flying lessons.

All right so that was two last thoughts, but Duo was a trained gundam pilot. His conditioning allowed for greater feats, such as those 2 last thoughts (2! Count em 1! 2!. Multiply 'em 1x2!), than most normal humans could ever, would ever realize in their unfortunately non gundam associated lives.

When next our daring pantsless hero awoke, Duo found himself confronted with a most curious site.

And then a most curious sight.

Then spoke, "Greetings, earthling. Take me."

Duo blinked as was alternately thwapped by and . rolled its eyes , "Ignore him, he hasn't been the same after those ear probes."

The American pilot, as well as being observant and loquacious was well versed in sci fi movies, asked, "Don't you mean anal probes?"

snorted and nudged its glasses back up its non existent nose, "Oi Einstein, does it *look* like we have asses much less anything to probe?"

And indeed Duo looked at the seven huge heads staring back at him with their little black eyes. "Ah... Sorry, wasn't thinking."

"That's ok, Fog Grey. We, as your seven not so little emoticons, understand your confusion, " chirped up . It ignored the sing song murmur of, "Kiss ass, " from , , and .

Before Duo could protest his sudden status from hero to heroine (though to be honest faery tale princesses are seldom heroines), an insistent, high pitched voice spoke up, "Like *I'm* Fog Grey, dudes. Like who's this like totally grody imposter?" He whipped around, the braid arcing briskly through the air behind him - causing all seven not so little emoticons to roll out of the way. "Yeah, sister, tell it like it is!"

The voice continued on, unrelenting, "Like *I* am the totally bodacious Fog Grey. *I* am the like radical princess of this like story. Like *I* meet the seven not so little like really like emoticons, and *I* soooo marry the hunky prince at the end and like live happily ever like after. Like totally." The self proclaimed Princess Fog Grey stamped a delicate but thoroughly impractical silk shod flimsy excuse for a slipper while wide cornflower blue eyes flashed in anger and little else. To put it shortly - Add the physical characteristics of Barbie, Relena, and Gourry; take out half the brains (though there is an argument considering one can not divide from zero); add the perkiness of the Power Puff Girls; and bake under mall lights for like 3 days until its so~ perfect you know?, like far out man... totally.

Valiantly resisting the urge to blurt out "Like gag me with a spoon.", Duo weakly agreed with the princess of mall rats, "I'm not disagreeing with you here, miss. You want the seven not so little emoticons? You got 'em. You wanna marry the prince and live happily ever after? It's yours!" So said, he slowly got off the bed, forgetting his pantsless status, and stood up.

"Like ewwwwwww, man. That's like so totally gross and like my eyes are like you know? like sooo corrupted." She clasped lily white hands to those vacant blue eyes and covered them, "I'm like soo not happy with you, Mr. I don't need pants because I'm like pretending to be the like princess of this story Man. And black and silver is soo like gross to the max and stuff. Don't you like know *anything* Mr. I'm soo not hip and paint my nails black and like silver Man. Pink and silver is like sooo in."

"Ah.. right." Eager to be out of this situation and find his pants, Duo readily agreed to everything that babbled out of her perfectly shaped, un cosmetically enhanced lips.

"Ding Dong, Avon calling." Everyone blinked in surprise, then blinked once more to see if they could do it in unison and with more feeling this time. , ever so obliging, went to check on the door and see if it indeed was Avon calling - it needed to order some more rouge anyway.

"Ah, your highness, Prince Not So Charming," greeted smoothly, "Come right in."

The princess squealed, a deliriously nauseatingly cute sound, "Like that is so~ my Prince Not So Charming. This is like totally far out and like I hope I look so bodacious for him." All thoughts of Duo apparently flown out of her too small to hold two thoughts much less a grudge in her perfectly coiffed head, she whipped out a powder pink compact and began preening and fluffing.

"Prince Not So Charming? Doesn't sound like much of a catch to me, " Duo muttered, vaguely disturbed by the sight of pink. He shuddered and edged away.

sidled up to him, "You must confront your fear, Young Maxwell. Embrace your gay side."

Duo eyed the grey cone head in amusement, "Look, I've glomped, kissed, groped, screwed, threatened, and handcuffed my gay big footed side thank you very much. It's just pink I have a problem with." A vaguely traumatized look glazed across normally bright eyes.

"Well then, Young Maxwell, obviously your fear-" was cut off by a hoof planted firmly and directly between its dark eyes. The hoof belonged to a very noble and large yet somehow bovine appearing white gelding that was ridden by a noble and large yet somehow bovine appearing white clothed prince. The prince was stooped a bit because of the cramped quarters in which he had to squeeze both his and his steed's massive height - zero points went to common sense for bringing the horse indoors; twice as many points went to the horse for letting him.

"Ahoy, fair maidens. Which of you beauteous buxomy visions of loveliness is the one called Fog Grey? I, Prince Not So Charming of the Speak Now, Think Later kingdom, wish to make her my bride in the tradition of the Unconscious Pimp :hat Faery Land Act of 78.98342 HD Act Alpha, Section Beta, Subsection 18e of the Nu Joisey Toin Pike, Revised in 80.98031 HD by Our Great Father, the Unconscious Pimp :hat Faery the Sixteenth to the third." He smiled a smirky, smarmy smile, acting as if he was the biggest catch since the common cold.

The Shinigami pilot glanced at his attire.

Black shirt - check
White undershirt - check
Pants - negative
Shoes - negative
Pedicure - check (Here, he wiggled his toes happily)
Buxomy Bosoms? - negative and negative (A clear cut case in which two negatives just don't make a right or rather a cleavage which would just be wrong on a bishounen. Right?)

He looked over at Fog Grey.

White dress - check
White slippers - check
Golden hair, blue eyes - check, check
Empty head - Not even gonna bother to check

Then Duo observed the prince.

White princely ensemble - check
White horse - check
Golden hair, blue eyes - check and check
Emphatically empty head - double check with a side of Biggie fries and a drink.


The prince's decidedly lascivious gaze fell upon the braided but pantsless one with a gleaming blue. "The long haired lass speaks. Art thou Fog Grey - she of the unmatchable face, figure, and pockets to let?" He surveyed Duo's bare legs with a clear intent to lech, "Or art thou a nymph to tempt this virtuous and studly prince from the road to righteousness and marital bliss? Be warned, choose carefully in your answer or thou will taste my mighty sword. Both of them." He wiggled blonde brows in so not subtle suggestion.

Struck dumbfounded by Prince Not So Charming's not so charming not so subtleness, Duo was speechless. Even Heero was more discreet.

And this was referring to a boy who'd threatened to shoot a poor, helpless chocolate rodent if Duo didn't date him. [1]

"Like dude!! Your babe in waiting is like so waiting here." Pretty pretty princess stamped a foot in emphasis. It would have been more effective with sturdier shoes, so all she accomplished was a soft patter sound on the hard ground and injury to herself. "Like ow!"

An inborn sense of chivalry overrode Duo's eminently edible form for the inbred prince, and the blonde one swooped her up in his strong oxen like arms, teeth gleaming pure white like a brain freeze after one too many slushies. "Fair damsel in distress, I sense from your cultured voice and soothing tones, the aristocratic strains of a princess. Thou art Fog Grey without a doubt." He heaved her over the shoulder so much like a sack of potatoes to her happy squeal of delight or terror, it didn't really matter much to him. In an impressively thundering tone of self importance, Prince Not So Charming took the liberties of narrating stage directions for himself. "And so the beautiful Princess Fog Grey was swept up into the manly straining embrace of her prince, bosom heaving with anticipation and happiness, and they rode off into the sunset. Exit Stage Right."

Fog Grey spoiled the moment by interjecting, "Like yeah! Right on," as she rode on to a wedding, several kids, and eventually several affairs with the guards and their horses, slung across the broad, expansive back of her soon to be husband.

Think fetishes, people, fetishes.

Only there wasn't an exit stage right so he made one, as well as a fair impressive hole in the little cottage.

There was an equally impressive long silence shared by the seven not so little emoticons and Duo. This time the silence was broken by the door bell once more with a crooning voice calling out, "Avon calling."

went to the door, "You're late again, Red Queen. Fog Grey just rode off into the sunset with Not So Charming Prince." It sighed and would have run fingers through its hair in frustration if it had hair and fingers. :smokin settled for an irate puff on the cigarette. "That's the seventh one this month."

Red Queen, a gorgeous bishounen dressed up in drag as Jessica Rabbit, sighed sulkily and pouted with ruby red lips, "But there was this Alice babe, poor thing, that looked so lost and cute in his little black leather Mary Jane's and white tights... and the cutest little white pinafore. And nothing else." A dreamy look entered his green eyes, "He had the biggest blue eyes and the way he had of palming those hedgehogs..." A delicate shudder worked its way from the bang swept dramatically over one eye to the spiked 7 inch heels. "What a lay- err babe. Seemed a bit too obsessed with the Mad Hatter and that tea party of his though." The Red Queen ran a critical eye over the American's form. "What about him? He'd pass for a princess, and I definitely wouldn't mind him sampling my... fruits."

Duo choked out, "T-Tr-Tr-?"

"The name's Red Queen, baby," he crooned, swaying satin clad hips gently, "What say you and me cut the chit chat and play a little find the poisoned apple piece, eh?" Since seduction and swaying didn't involve much thought, the queen had no real excuse for not watching where he was stepping.

"Itai," Duo's outraged screech of pain momentarily paused the Red Queen's approach.

"Aww, what's the matter? Got a boo boo? Want me to kiss it and make it all better?"

Shinigami stared at his ruined pedicure with something approaching disbelief but more like absolute fury on his face. "You do know what this means?"

"What, baby?"

"Heads will roll!!"

"I'd like to roll you right..." Here the Red Queen stopped and cursed, "Well spackle my tits and blame it on the cold weather, he's gone."

The seven not so little emoticons shrugged and replied, in unison, "There is no spoon."

Ah... its better not to ask where this came from... really... really...

[1] Blatant reference to another fic, "Wufei's Guide to Dating."

Caught the movie references and cameo appearances? I certainly didn't ^^;; Matrix, Disney's Alice in Wonderland, South Park, and vague Trowa (C'mon.. Jessica Rabbit.. that hair over the eye thing? can you like sooo not see it??) and Quatre references and umů yeah . Fog Grey and Not So Charming Prince are just figments of my dementia soaked mind though.

As for the like.. totally 80s talk for like some like totally like weird reason you know? I like remembered this episode of Family Ties, omg that was like *such* a bodacious show where like Jennifer wanted to get her like totally uncool skanky butt into the in crowd and she wrote this like note where like every like third word was like.. like.. So it read - like like like like like. Whatever, dude, speak to the hand cause like I am *so* outta here


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