Silly Untitled V-day's Fic a.k.a. Valentine's Day Special for "Insanity"
February 15, 1998

The stage was set. Eager audience members sat facing the bright "kitchen", which was separated into 3 colorful sections.  Directly in front of the kitchen, arranged in a semi circles, were two sets of seats and tables.  One for the participants' mates, and the other table for the announcers.  Speaking of which . . . .

"Hello, minna!, " cried out Nokoru cheerfully, his vivid blue eyes flashing with its usual blend of cheer and mischief.  "Welcome to Insanity:  The Valentine's Day Cooking Special.  With me is Suoh!"

"Yo."  the blue haired boy uttered, showing a sort of resignation to his fate as well as a faint gleam of bemused affection for his kaichou.

"Saaa, " Nokoru gleefully whipped out his fan, kanji reading 'introduction'.  Pointing towards an area off stage, he exclaimed, "Here are our participants. Heero Yuy!"

Heero walked on, wearing his usual spandex shorts and green tank top . . . only over that he had on a fluffy white ruffled apron, with the words 'Kiss the Psycho' emblazoned in red, and then handwritten with a black marker beneath that, in small print, were the words'... and die'.  He marched stiffly over to his section, ignoring the chorus of "Spandex! Spandex! Spandex!" that arose from the audience.

"Next is Trowa Barton."

Trowa strolled down, wearing jeans and a turtleneck.  He was also wearing an apron.  This one was a pale beige with various SD jungle animals running amuck.  If one looked closely . . .Mary Poppins could be seen popping up in the background once in a while. Written across his apron were the words, 'Quatre's Property'  The tall boy silently walked to his spot, ignoring the gawks and stares at his apron... not to mention the lion fuzzy slippers he wore.

"And finally, Hiei."

From one moment to the next, Hiei appeared behind the counter...only his spiky hair showing.  Growling, he stood on top of the counter, glaring blood red eyes at everyone, daring them to let out even a chortle.  The koorime had on the outfit usually worn under his cloak, a sleeveless black shirt with loose black pants.  His apron was a dainty pink and white checkered affair, complete with cute fluffly bunnies and with the cursive script, "Caution:  Pyro in Kitchen" printed neatly across the top.

"Hieeeeeeei chan!!" came a scream from the audience.  Everyone sweatdropped.

"And here comes our participant's mates, who will be force fed err partake of their partners' efforts."

"My cousin, Duo Maxwell."

Duo walked in, cheerily blowing kisses and waving at the screams and greetings from the audience.  Turning towards Heero, the boy offered a cheeky grin and waved his braid in greeting before going over to the table.  With a plop, he sat down and propped his booted feet up.

"Next is Quatre."

The blonde pilot walked in, smiling and nodding at the cheering audience, pausing to pick up the flowers thrown to him.  Approaching Duo, he raised an eloquent eyebrow at the upraised feet.  The braided boy gave the other a beautific smile, sweatdropping when it got him nowhere.  He lowered his shoes.

"And finally, Kurama."

The red-headed bishounen entered, sketching a quick half bow at the crowd.  With a gleam in his eye, Kurama threw something through the air at Hiei.  The koorime snatched...a deep red rose.  He grumbled but obligingly stuck it in his apron.  The audience roared its approval.

"Showoff, " Duo muttered.  Kurama smirked in response.

Nokoru snapped his fan closed.  "And of course, the cheering section."  He pointed to the audience members.

One third of the crowd waved a pair of black Spandex shorts, the second third(*giggles* doesn't that sound strange? ^^;;)  waved a huge pair of ballooning polka dotted pants, and the last, mini plastic katanas.

"The supervising chef of this zoo errr show is Akira!"

Akira, the eternally genki black haired boy, appeared, wearing an overlarge chef's white hat as well as a matching white apron.  He beamed and waved excitedly back.

"Round 1, Fight!!!" someone called out.

Fight indeed. . . .

"While we wait for our chefs to begin cooking, let's interview their mates.  Since this is Valentine's Day . . ." Nokoru grinned.  Turning over to the American pilot, he asked, "What was the situation of your first date, Dool?"

Duo blinked in surprise, absently toying with his long braid.  "Eh, date?"  He raised his eyes to the ceiling, obviously thinking hard.  "Hmm, he asked me to come with him and blow up an OZ base once.  It was really cool~~!! They could see the explosions from a 100 mile radius.  And the fire!!."  His violet eyes gleamed in excitement as he continued to ramble on about that particular mission.

"Fire fire fire fire"  came the chant from the audience.  "BOOM!!!" they cackled gleefully.

Nokoru sweatdropped as he cut off the babbling pilot.  He turned to Quatre hopefully, "Quatre kun, your first date?"

Quatre smiled and replied, "Well, we started out at this lovely museum where they were showing pieces of art from the Renaissance period . . ."

Nokoru mentally sighed in relief, a normal answer.

 " . . and ended up in a lovely hotel room that the Winner estate owns.  The sheet were made of silk, and we had so~ much fun there."  Quatre concluded with an angelic smile.

"Woohoo!! Quatre-sama, up and at 'em!"  "On the first date??"

Quickly heading off *that* particular line, Nokoru turned to Kurama, who had a mysterious little smile lurking 'bout his lips.  "Eh. . . Kurama-kun?"  The blonde boy turned hopeful pleading blue eyes to the half youko.

Kurama grinned in a well . . . .vulpine manner, one could practically see the invisible tail and fox ears twitching.  "Ahhh.  Hiei asked me out to go to the Makai . . . "

Nokoru looked relieved, "And what did you do on your date?"

Kurama sighed dreamily, "We managed to confiscate most of Raizen's treasure houses.  'twas a lovely day.  All that gold and jewels. . . ." he trailed off with a blissful expression.

Suoh interjected on behalf of his sputtering kaichou.  "In other words, none of you had real dates before?"

Duo blinked.  "Well . . . "

Quatre looked offended, "That was a real date!"

Kurama smiled greedily, "Well *I* liked it."

Nokoru cleared his throat. "Ano . . let's see how our chefs-to-be are doing."

Akira waved.  "Hello minna!  Our chefs have decided to cook a special desert for their Valentine.  Heero kun will be trying to bake a triple fudge chocolate cake today.  Trowa kun a . . . "  He trailed off and blinked down at the index cards he held.  He blushed.  "...ano . . . chocolatecookiequatres, and Hiei will attempt...cherry Jello?"  The poor boy looked adorably confused, tilting his head to the side while turning the card this way and that.

Nokoru suggested hurriedly, "Let's check their individual progress."

Heero was currently attempting to beat the living hell out of some sort of purplish brown frosting.  When it refused to gell probably, he promptly whipped out a gun from somewherewereallyreallyreallydon'twanttoknow, eliciting delighted shrieks from the audience, and shot the batter.  Five times.  Letting loose a cackling laugh, the psychotic pilot slammed open the oven door, dropped in some sort of explosive and closed the door again.  The oven's sides expanded and then contracted, letting loose a great deal of steam before seeming to slump over to the side.

"Way to go Spandex Boy!!"

"That's showing the oven who's boss!!"

"Is that frosting moving??!!!"

Indeed the frosting err thing had come to life and was now attempting to creep up Heero's leg.

On to the next.

Trowa was juggling random spices and ingredients.  Occasionally, he'd pluck one out of the air, carelessly add a dash or a pinch to *his* frosting, and return to juggling.  The batter he had managed to complete was neatly segmented into the Quatre cookie molds, ready for the oven.

Heero came running in from his side of the kitchen, occasionally shooting bullets at the frosting that seemed bent on eating him alive.  He tripped over Trowa's fuzzy lion slipper clad feet and fell down with a thud on his stomach.

"Panty shot!"

Duo protested, "But he doesn't wear panties...or underwear for that matter."

...which only managed to provoke the ecchi audience into even more ribald comments.

Nokoru and Suoh sweatdropped, what had happened to the cooking show?  What indeed.

Trowa's eyes narrowed as the animated frosting came too close to his Quatre cookies.  Immediately, he produced a looooong licorice whip and chair and tried to subdue the ravenous frosting type monster.

"Down you! Down!"

Heero meanwhile was currently buried beneath the pile of spandex shorts the audience members had gleefully decided to throw down in his tribute.  Duo and Quatre were attempting to un-short him . . err NOT that kind of unshort you guys . . . never mind.

What was Hiei doing?

Well, he had been the first to complete his cooking endeavor.  Staring at his completed project, and since he had no clue as to what jello was, he poked at it.  Since the very nature of jello is to did.  Letting out a banshee like shriek, the high strung koorime hacked at it with his katana...managing only to make it wriggle and writhe even more.

"Mwahahaha!!! The joys of jello."

"Hiei~~chan.  Ganbatte!"

"Hn! Stupid youkai!!"  And so on. . . .

Kurama approached the koorime from the rear and hugged him.  Hiei snarled, "Why the hell did you want me to cook this in the first place?"

The red head gave a seductive wink and drew the other behind the counter.  One slender hand groped the top for the hacked up jello and brought it down with them.

A deep voice growled in surprised.  "ohhhhhh."

Trowa had managed to tame the wild frosting.  It was now jumping through hoops and learning to honk horns to the melody of "I'm Your Friend."  Everyone cheered at the sudden floor show.  Popcorn, peanuts, and chewing gum were subsequently passed out.

From the pile of Spandex Duo and Quatre were working on, a low nasally voice let out a stream of steady vicious curses.  Suddenly, the stack exploded and Heero appeared with a grim expression, well more than usual grim expression.  Duo and Quatre looked worried.

With good reason too.  The Japanese pilot grinned maniacally and held out a self destruct.

"Oh, that old gag again?"

"Give it up Spandex Boy, it never works!!"

"Have you considered getting psychiatric help?" called out another helpful soul.

He pressed the trigger...

And from the trigger came a red and white banner reading, "Happy Valentine's Day!!!" complete with hearts, doves, ribbons, etc...

Everyone who had been worried that the entire building would explode, which weren't many, let out a huge sigh of relief.  Heero, on the other hand, had a sort of confused, befuddled expression on his normally stony face...

Duo glomped Heero, crying out, "I knew you wouldn't do it!"  The Japanese pilot could only glare.

"Told you so!!" was the chorus from the audience.

Nokoru sweatdropped yet again, flipping his fan open, kanji reading "Owari".  He said, "I do believe Hiei-kun is the only one who managed to finish his project....but since he's a bit occupied at the moment.  We'll end the show with a big bang."

"Bang?"  Heero seemed to snap out of his shock at the thought.

"Ano....that is with a big splashy finish!" Nokoru grinned uneasily.  He nodded to Suoh who pulled a cord that had suddenly appeared to the left of him.

And the entire building blew up.

As the camera faded into black and fuzzy grey, a satisified voice could be heard saying, "Always have a Plan B."

Loud sounds of violence ensued.

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