That Don't Impress Me Much
Sung by Shania Twain, belongs to whoever who owns the rights to it. Lyrics obtained from (I think)
A GW Songfic, Gundam Wing belongs to its creators
This fic was written by me, for Reishin's b'day.
Kinda OOC, but its suppose to be funny so I guess its okay. Implied yaoi/yuri.


It is a bright sunny day, the kind where the skies are summer-blue and clear and the breeze is just right. Someone's foot is tapping a rhythm out on the grassy ground. It is Relena, wearing a pale white dress trimmed in blue with matching leather shoes and a wide brimmed hat. She smiles knowingly and winks. She gestures dramatically and starts to sing:

I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart

Several males appear behind Relena and approach her

But you've got it being right down to an art

Relena whirls around and points at all of them

You think you're a genius - you drive me up the wall

She shakes her head and rolls her eyes skyward, throwing her arms apart.

You're a regular original, a know-it-all

She laughs derisively the boys.

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Relena dances in space, swinging her hips and flinging her hair. A very pretty dance step, with movements calculated to insult the watching males.

Okay, so you're a rocket scientist

One boy steps forward. He has platinum-gold hair, a ready smile and blue eyes. He holds out a bouquet of roses to Relena. "For you, my dear," he says, going down on his knees.

That don't impress me much

Relena accepts the flowers and sniffs thoughtfully. Then she shakes her head and tosses the roses over her shoulder.

So you got the brain but have you got the touch

The Peacecraft girl runs her hands through Quatre's hair teasingly. She dances around him, and pulls his hands out. She places them on her hips, then shakes her head and moves away.

Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright

"But - " Quatre protests, but Relena shushes him. She smiles, but wags her finger at him and says:

But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

She pushes Quatre and the boy falls over an expression of deep, traumatic shock on his face. Relena leaves him and stares challengingly at the next one who steps forward.

I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket

This boy was taller, with green eyes and brown hair swept to one side of his face. He walks forward steadily, but stops when Relena starts to circle him. She stares in surprise at the shiny surface of the knife blade in his back pocket, but decides it qualifies as a mirror.

And a comb up his sleeve - just in case

Trowa pulls out another knife from his sleeve, this one a serrated knife borrowed from Catherine. Relena gapes at him, and Trowa explains nonplussed, "They both have teeth."

And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it

Relena tries to pull at Trowa's bangs but it won't budge. Trowa smirks secretly and makes no effort to either help or stop her. Relena finally gives up and stares in dismay at the oily sheen on her hands.

'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall outta place

Relena suddenly smiles, as an idea hits her and leans closer to Trowa. Before Trowa can do anything to stop her, Relena kisses his hair and breathes on it. Like magic, the bangs fall limp and looks like hanging seaweed. Trowa's green eyes widen to their fullest limit and he falls over in a catatonic state.

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Relena giggles and steps daintily over Trowa. Humming happily, she eyes the remaining males. She starts towards them, but one boy steps forward first.

Okay, so you're Brad Pitt

"Actually, better than Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is ancient history. I am the future," Duo corrects, tossing his long braid over his shoulder. He smiles that special smile that makes knees go weak and the heart flutter. He slips his arms around Relena and draws her close.

That don't impress me much

Relena glares at him and tries to wriggle out. Duo restrains her easily and bends his head down to kiss her.

So you got the looks but have you got the touch

Relena viciously bites Duo's lips and tears herself free. She sticks her tongue out at him childishly as Duo writhes in pain on the ground.

Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright

Relena softens a little and offers Duo her handkerchief to stop the bleeding. She wisely steps away from him when Duo glares at her.

But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

Changing her mind, Relena kicks Duo's braid and when the American pilot is aghast over the attack on his precious braid Relena dances past him to the Chinese youth.

You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine

"Don't insult Nataku, onna," Wufei glares murderously at Relena. His hand twitches over the hilt of his sword, no, the other sword that's made of metal. Relena stops her gliding around him and steps back cautiously.

You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in

"Relena, I'm not even letting you within ten kilometers of Nataku voluntarily. What makes you think I'll let you in? Besides, only barbarians don't take their footwear off before entering a domicile." Wufei snorts and turns his back on Relena.

I can't believe you kiss your car good night
C'mon baby tell me - you must be jokin', right!

Wufei gives Relena a sideglance. "Chang Wufei does not lie. Nataku gives more response to me than Heero does to your overtures anyway." Relena is hurt by that and adds sarcasm to her next words:

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

"Onna, I am something else! Tell me, who else has two grown men - " Wufei stops, and claps his hands over his mouth. He blushes and stares guiltily at the trees where something is rustling the greenery. Relena waits for him to finish and shrugs when he doesn't. She does not seem to notice the sounds coming from the trees.

Okay, so you've got a car
That don't impress me much

Relena tries to get another word out of Wufei, but he stubbornly remains silent. Flinging insults at Nataku does not seem to work, although Wufei scowled darkly when she called Nataku a car.

So you got the moves but have you got the touch

"Not for you certainly," Wufei mutters to himself, stealing another look at the trees. The rustling was back. He licks his lips and scowls again at Relena. "Hurry up! I have an appointment to keep."

Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night

"Just wait till Nataku breathes fire on you," Wufei mutters. Glad his part is over, he leaves Relena and heads straight for the trees and bushes. He disappears from view and suddenly a shirt and pair of pants goes flying over the treetops. Relena stares at it and frowns, obviously trying to figure out what Wufei is doing and why, or rather what's making, the weird noises.

That don't impress me much

Relena shrugs and dismisses it. She approaches the last boy. Heero waits for her approach calmly.

You think you're cool but have you got the touch

Relena arches an eye at Heero who maintains his stoic silence. Heero does, however, cross his arms and stares evenly back at Relena. Relena shakes her head. Heero considers himself and shifts stance again. Now his profile is mostly towards Relena. Heero lets his arms fall loose at his side and his legs are slightly apart. With a dark look he glances at Relena.

Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright

Relena smiles and claps her hands, approving his new posture. She steps forward and gives Heero a chaste kiss. She steps back.

But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night
That don't impress me much

Relena shrugs and moves away from Heero. Leaning against a tree not far away is a dark-haired woman, dressed in a formal uniform. Her hair style is similar to Trowa's but she doesn't use gel to keep the bangs in place. Relena smiles brightly and moves towards her eagerly. A loud sound distracts her and she glances over her shoulder. She sweatdrops.

Okay, so what do you think you're Elvis or something...

Heero has stripped his tank top and wears only a pair of torn, worn jeans. His chest glistens with sweat and he is furiously belting out a rendition of Just Love on his snazzy guitar.

That don't impress me

Relena gazes on Heero with pity and shakes her head. She leaves him and runs for the open arms of Noin. Noin embraces Relena and kisses her. Sweeping the girl up in her arms Noin carries Relena away. They leave the five - um, seven - males behind mourning their lost opportunities.

"I love you, Noin," Relena whispers. It starts to rain gently but no one heeds it.

[ Afterwards however.... ]

The dark-haired woman comes running back. She rocks to a stop, catching her breath as she watches the four boys help each other up. From the trees three more people emerge. Noin nods in greeting to Zechs and Treize as she gestures for the boys to come closer.

"Noin, she kicked my hair!" Duo complains, lovingly petting his braid. Heero grabs the braid and pulls Duo in for a deep, lingering, earth shaking kiss. Everyone waits politely for the duo to catch their breath.

"Needed to wash her taste off," Heero explains afterwards. He possessively keeps an arm around Duo. Trowa's hair has been restored to its usual integrity and looks, thanks to Quatre's ministrations. The small blond was regretful that Relena had ruined his expensive bouquet of roses, but since it was for a good purpose he didn't quite mind.

Wufei is still trying to catch his breath. He has his arms wrapped around Treize, but his eyes are on Zechs. "She insulted Nataku," he says, complaining. Zechs pats him consolingly. "You can bring it out on me," he suggests with a leer. Wufei brightens up and thanks the man.

Noin coughs to attract their attention. She brings out several checks and distributes them. "For you, you, you, you and you. Thank you for your help."

Duo snickers as he accepts the money. "Won't Relena be mad when she finds out we dumped her before she dumped us."

"Some of us didn't even hook up with her in the first place," Quatre reminds them. He smiles up at Trowa.

"Don't let her near my hair again," Trowa mutters defensively. He subsides when Quatre assures him he will never let Relena kiss his treasured bangs anymore.

"Good luck with Relena, Noin," Heero wishes her sincerely. Noin smiles and winks at Heero.

"You don't appreciate her. Well, its hard to appreciate her with someone like Duo by your side," Noin admits. "Remember, no telling!"

She waves farewell to them and runs back to her car where Relena waits for her. And so it was, in the end, that everyone had who they wanted. It ends well.

And horny *laugh*


Note: Yeah, Quatre is the rocket scientist *smile* You all know why, right? ^_^