let's talk about sex ba~by!


Notes: Below was a fic challenge from an ml I'm on ^^ So woohoo -_- or something like that *sweatdrops*

///I would like Treize teaching a Sex Ed class...and Wufei cannot have a bloody nose, it becoming a cliche these days. Now this line can go anywhere... ="Oh! Like the time we tried to see how many donuts we could fit on Heero's dick!" ((99.9% says it might be Duo saying it)) ="Is it supposed to be slanted like that?" ="There is a time for everything, but not right now!" ="Could someone show me your boobs?" "Like this?" "Not you, I said somebody!" ((*cough* Relena haters will like that one))///

"…oh! Like the time we tried to see how many donuts we could fit on Heero's dick…"

Most of the class, listening with a lurid fascination to Trowa's *101 ways to alleviate boredom at a part time job*, blanched noticeably. At one time or another, each of them had eaten at Krispy Kreme's too.

Duo, noticing this, remarked blandly, "What can I say? We were young; we were stupid."

One of his best friends, Quatre, noted equally blandly, "Duo, it was three days ago."

"Oh all right. We *are* young; we're still stupid."

At this point, the small crowd of teens around their section of the room shifted nervously and a few brave souls let out relieved laughs. They were sure that it was Trowa's idea of a joke.

Yup, that Trowa - whatta clown.

Heero let out what sounded suspiciously like an amused sort. A trifle different from his I'm pissed off and you are so dead snort, a pitch lower than the oh so contemptuous you are beneath my notice snort, and barely shorter than his goddammit my nose is stuffed up again and pass the nasal decongestant snort. The only one who could truly tell the difference was one Duo Maxwell, braided pyromaniac, loudmouth, and hacker extraordinaire. Said Duo Maxwell also called himself Death but that was an entirely different therapy session all together.

The Japanese boy finally spoke up, "Speaking of stupid. What was #78 again, Trowa?"

"Pretending to have an argument with your other personality in a store full of customers, " was the prompt reply.

"Oi, oi oi oi oi! How's I s'pposed to know there was a convention of PPA dropping by?" (Personality Problems Anonymous)

Heero blatantly ignored his friend's protests. "And what happened after that, Quatre?"

"They made him an honorary club member." Quatre smiled extra sweetly at his friend who was pretending to strangle himself with his braid. In a soothing and understanding voice, he continued, "Now Duo… There is a time for everything, but not right now. You can satisfy your auto erotic fetish later."

Even before the students could *process* that bit of information much less begin to react to it, Wufei spoke up. The dark haired boy, the only one seated in his correct seat, had been on alert for their homeroom sensei's distinctive signs of arrival, rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. "Ring around the roses."

Faster than anyone could misspell Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, the class sped to their respective seats. Heero calmly turned his chair to face the front while Duo hopped off his desk and took the seat behind him. Trowa and Quatre, also seated on the desk, sat in the row next to them. Their ever watchful friend was already seated in front of Heero.

Not so surprisingly, all their seats were at the very front of the classroom. Their reasoning? If you're going to defy authority, you might as well as do it right under their noses.


The door opened and a tall woman, hair tumbling loose, demurely entered the class room. (She also happened to be the chapter head of PPA and worked skeleton shifts at a certain leather studded S!M! club downtown but only when she wasn't busy with her catering business for the rich and overfed. It helped that the same people move in all three circles of course.) "I present to all of you lucky students out there, all who are clearly unworthy of his elegance and sheer magnetism, the one - the only - Treize sensei!" She then pressed a switch along the wall and a red carpet, reeking of the scent of roses and strewn with petals of the same ilk, spread out in front of the door. Another button and the lights dimmed while two lackies worked strobe lights from the back. Delicate, decadent baroque music sang through the air as the door opened once again. Sensei Treize calmly strode through the door to the enthusiastic applause of Anne who looked ready to burst into tears in the presence of such divinity.


He greeted the students leisurely and waited for the music to gradually dim and fade. The strobe lights gave way to a single spotlight, and Treize finally spoke, "Good morning class. Have we all strived for elegance since the time we last met?"

"Yes, sensei." Of course to most this meant remembering to flush after each use, but it was the thought that counted.

"Excellent. Today we have a treat for you."

"A lap dance, " called out an ever helpful Duo.

"Your lap, my face, after school, Duo."

"Heero… I was joking."

"Duo, I wasn't."

"Oh good! Can I watch? I've always been fascinated by the technical aspects of auto eroticism."

"Quatre!" A mock scandalized Duo grinned while Heero questioned, "Won't Trowa get lonely?"

"No… Trowa and Wufei want to study up on the Tao of Piglet some more."

Said boys in question merely offered eerily similar smiles and wrapped their too long scarves around themselves tighter.

Treize, ever patient, ever waiting, took the opportunity to speak. "Mr. Winner, that's an excellent segue into today's lecture?"

"Piglet and philosophy?"

"Not quite, Mr. Chang."

"Sexual fetishes?"

"No, Mr. Maxwell. Sex." The word clunked through the hormone ridden teens, some more ridden then others *winkwinknudgenudge*, like a three year old chunk of fruitcake through wet tissue paper. "Sex, the ultimate expression of mutual desire, affection and hopefully love between two human beings."

"Or more!"

"Yes, thank you, Mr. Maxwell."


"Now, let us begin with the secondary sexual organs class. First we have the chest area, colloquially known as 'boobs', tits, tomatoes, gabonzas, breasts, mammaries, etc." The class gaped, well … some gaped, other gasped, and a select few called out a number of other suggestions while Treize pronounced each ….noun distinctly and with great dignity. "Could someone show me their 'boobs'?"

"Like this?"

"Not you, he said somebody!"

"Is it supposed to be slanted like that?"

"Now now, Mr. Maxwell, Mr. Yuy… please try to be more elegant. Yes, thank you, Ms. Catalonia for the example. You may pull Ms. Peacecraft's blouse back down now."

"Next are the primary sexual or- Mr. Winner, please refrain from pulling down Mr. Chang's pants. Yes, thank you. Next, these organs, when sexually mature like flowers ready for pollination-"

"Ooh ooh!"

"Yes, Mr. Maxwell?"

"Do you have pictures? Slides? Video tapes?"

"No, Mr. Maxwell. Unless you would care to share some footage of yourself and Mr. Yuy? The pictures posted on last week's bulletin board were of an exceptional quality."

"Treize, omae o korosu."

"That's Treize *sensei* to you, punk."

"Oooh… Anne go baibai. Hell, Lady Une!"

"Maxwell. I expect to see you at our next PPA meeting. Or else."


Treize continued right on, quite used to speaking over his student's conversations. He firmly believed in nurturing their individuality like precious bulbs planted in fertile soil. They also greatly helped to improve the quality time spent in bed with Zechs. His students were active little boogers. "Your bodies are like roses going into bloom; you too will ripen into your sexuality."

"Number 99 was the time we tried making bombs out of doughnuts. Flour is quite versatile."

"For crying out loud, Quatre, I do *not* have a fetish!"

"Oh please, Duo, I know all about the missing coffee filters and crème filling."

"And like busy little bees rushing from one open and receptive bud to the next, you too will feel the urge to scatter your seed from one open and receptive bud to the next."


"….. .. …. .. "


"Oh shut up, you guys. You talk way too much."

And so on, just another day in the life for some.

An episode of Sex and the City for others.

~Ye Merry Olde Ende~

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