Little Red Riding Ho - A Travesty in One Act
Notes: I killed Sanrio v^_^. I killed this faery tale. I killed the seiyuu joke. And yet I am inexplicably pleased… *taps fingers together*.
This is aaaaaaaaaall tro's fault, y'hear? Was happily working on a wk fic before this XD. My first saiyuki fic and of course it'd end up to an entirely pervy one; my twin I bow before your powers of persuasion *g*
Once in a far far land which lay West of everything known to man and gods, there was a ho known only as Little Red Riding Ho. He was beloved of many a townsman, married or not, many a townswoman, married or not, many a clergyman, many a shopkeeper, many a supposed virgin, many a sheep, willing or not. Well, he was beloved at any rate. By many.
He was called Little Red Riding Ho:
for the bright redness of his hair
And that was that.
Including his many loves, Little Red Riding Ho was also possessed of a mother who was a bit off. She was off in that she encouraged Little Red Riding Hood in his gathering of beloveds, going so far as to always dress him in short red skirts, white sheer tanktops, and an adorable short red cloak which hovered just above his assets. In many cultures and countries, this would be much frowned upon; sometimes it would be enough to take the Little Red Riding Hos of the world away from their off mothers. But in the case of this Little Red Riding Ho, he was so beloved that many would protest his loss. And his thought provoking outfits. Not to mention that he was well above the age of consent. So it was not an unusual site to see Little Red Riding Ho slinking about in all his red headed glory, looking for his next beloved conquest.
Along with his collection of beloveds and his off mother, Little Red Riding Ho held his beloved Hello Kitty vibrator as a most prized possession.
But that was for later.
He also had a dearly beloved grandmother, or a man who loved to be called grandmother, whom he visited with great regularity. Dear Grandmama was *much* beloved, not as much as the Hello Kitty vibrator but well enough. On these visits to Grandmama, Little Red Riding Ho would frequently pack a picnic basket full of goodies: lubes, condoms, handcuffs, clamps, his beloved Hello Kitty vibrator, costumes, feathers - all the good stuff. He would also make sure to pack a bento box stuffed with food, in case either he or Grandmama needed a quick picker upper. All that loving took its toll. Not that Grandmama wasn't an excellent cook, they just had so few moments together that trips to the kitchen were a needless necessity. As were bathroom trips, sleeping, talking, and frequently, breathing.
During one of these visits to Grandmama, Little Red Riding Ho ventured off the right path. Of course the argument could be made that Little Red Riding Ho ventured off the right path a good many years ago, upon receiving his first Riding Ho outfit at the tender age of 18 (he had made do with school uniforms before that) in fact, but that was several worn out beloveds and one worn out Bad Batz Maru vibrator earlier. In this particular case, or path rather, Little Red Riding Ho wandered into the forest following a trail of intriguing signs. They read - "Starving Wolf Ahead", "Itadakimasu", "I'm Hungry", "Give it up", "I Need Food", "Please?", "Pretty Please?" and so on.
The idea of a slavering, hairy, starving *beast* eagerly waiting for innocent travelers to stray off the straight and narrow was quite stimulating for Little Red Riding Ho. So stimulating that he almost whipped out the Hello Kitty vibrator right then and there. But he decided to save himself for the Wolf.
He was quite unprepared for the reality of his beast; he nearly quite fainted in fact.
The slavering, hairy, starving beast was in fact a runt.
Not only just a runt but a whiny runt.
A whiny runt that was currently well whining and pawing at the bento box and picnic basket quite insistently. Little Red Riding Ho raised an eyebrow.
He desperately needed a smoke.
No, on second thought, he needed something which only several beloveds (in rapid succession or all together - really it didn't matter), a bottle or two of viagra, and the Joy of Homosexual Sex could provide.
Then he needed a smoke.
His would be beloved beast with which he had held such long hopes and high fantasies, or was it the other way around, was about a foot shorter than himself, possessed of an obviously tacked on frisky tail, wolf ear headphones, furry mittens, and glued on whiskers. Almost as an afterthought, Little Red Riding Ho checked out the Whiny Runty Wolf's assets.
Unless he happened to be one who reacted with *great* fervor under pressure, that too was a disappointment.
Little Red Riding Ho resigned himself to a second rate loving, but twas loving nevertheless!
What followed was an absolute travesty in Little Red Riding Ho's opinion.
There he was ready for some sweet, rock the casba loving with a frisky if vertically challenged, in more ways than one, beast, and all the Whiny Runty Wolf did was root through the bento box, snarfing down all of Grandmama's favorite treats. How could this possibly happen? Here he lay, ankles apart, knees together (he couldn't be too easy), lazy come hither and thither and here and there and everywhere smile firmly in place, and the Whiny Runty Wolf remained unmoved. Though the brat did pause long enough to comment on his lack of bloomers.
Little Red Riding Ho watched as Whiny Runty Wolf continued to steadily plow his way through the food. How unsatisfactory. Still the sounds Whiny Runty Wolf made while eating were quite remarkable. He could use this. An appetite *was* an appetite right? And even though the Get a Clue Faery hadn't seen fit to grace himself upon the Whiny Runty Wolf as of yet… he could work with this. Little Red Riding Ho whipped out his trusty Hello Kitty vibrator; he noted the whirrrrrring sounds it made as he turned it on. Looked like he'd have to buy a new one soon, maybe a choco cat mascot this time or even Keroppi.
What he failed to note, due to a rather complicated if familiar pattern of lube, fingers, etc., was the way Whiny Runty Wolf's eyes would stray every so often from the food to Little Red Riding Ho and back again. Maybe the Get a Clue Faery was on his merry way. Or maybe Whiny Runty Wolf had never seen Hello Kitty merchandise with quite so personal a touch - going where no cat has (hopefully) never gone before.
Though with Little Red Riding Ho, one could never be quite sure.
And so the two satisfied their mutual but distinctly separate appetites, it all culminated in a shared smoke afterwards, Whiny Runty Wolf laying back and patting his distended belly and Little Red Riding Ho packing away his kitty for later use. Soon he got up to leave; it wouldn't do to let Grandmama wait for too long or the dear would start without him. He did toss one last regretful look at Whiny Runty Wolf and had the distinct satisfaction of watching as he caught Whiny Runty Wolf eyeing the provocative *sass* of the red skirt. Perhaps it wasn't a total loss. To make sure, Little Red Riding Ho added an extra sass to his ass as he swayed on down.
He considered it a down payment.
Little Red Riding Ho slinked to Grandmama's house, appreciating the sheer artistry of the youkai bits littered all around the lush garden. Looked like Grandmama was fertilizing the plants again. He knocked on the door, not bothering for an answer. "Little Red Riding Ho is *in* the house!" Little Red Riding Ho swaggered on over to the bed where Grandmama already lay in repose and leaned down for a greeting.
Grandmama welcomed him quite affectionately, involving much swapping of this and that and groping of here and there and much moaning and grunting on both sides. And this was just the 'hello, how've you been, quite fine, and you, oh fine thank you very much' kiss.
Little Red Riding Ho growled, letting his eyes run up and down and round and round the fine, fine figure of Grandmama, "No one fills out a plaid flannel gown like you, Grandmama."
Taking this as an invitation, Grandmama just smiled and asked, "And how's that little pussy of yours?"
Upon which Little Red Riding Ho opened up his picnic basket of goodies and proceeded to demonstrate how the pussy was.
Much abuse of orifices, wearing of batteries, and creative uses of grammar and adjectives followed.
Grandmama in a plaid flannel gown rolling around with Little Red Riding Ho in short skirts.
Several dehydrated hours, days, weeks, who's keeping track, later, Grandmama decided to go to the stream to freshen up. Little Red Riding Ho watched fondly as his beloved Grandmama made his way out the door. He enjoyed a cigarette while he waited for round two. His peaceful contemplation was shattered by the front door slamming open. He opened his eyes. It was Whiny Runty Wolf!
Judging by the glazed eyes, the slavering jaws, the uncontrollable quivering of his hands - either Whiny Runty Wolf was suffering from starvation (also known as normal hunger pangs) or the Get a Clue Faery had finally visited.
Then Little Red Riding Ho noted the *incredible* tenting of the pants, berated himself thoroughly for ever having *missed* such a thing (surely he must be losing his touch), and offered a lazy, hey wanna fuck and do unspeakably sinful things to each other sorta wink.
He was very, very happy. Apparently Whiny Runty Wolf was a late bloomer in more ways than one.
He was made even happier when Whiny Runty Wolf gave a whimpering whine and pounced.
Then he was back to feeling disappointed. Just when things were getting interesting, something interrupted his acquaintance with his newly beloved.
A deep voice called out from the doorway, "Judging by the look of things you, Whiny Runty Wolf, must be the bad guy."
Little Red Riding Ho looked up.
And had the feeling of an early Christmas, several un birthdays rolled into one, hitting the jackpot, and discovering that the age of consent had lowered to the sweet, ripe age of 16.
It was blonde.
It was cranky.
It held a phallic symbol.
It was good.
And apparently it had *several* clues as to where Little Red Riding Ho's mind was going for he stepped back and casually angled the gun to keep both of them in check. "Ohoo! Is that the way it is. Well, since *both* of you are the bad guys..."
He was interrupted from a seiyuu joke gone horribly, horribly wrong by the presence of dear, beloved Grandmama at his back. All it took was one good ki blast (Grandmama: I thought I'd just try it ^_^), and Blondie came toppling into the already crowded and tousled bed. Grandmama threw himself in right afterwards, polite but unwilling to let the others have all the fun.
Thought for the day: Itadakimasu.
And just because Blondie had to have the last words, "Yare yare, how'd I end up as the uke?"
~ye merry olde ende~
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