The Five Little Gundam Pilots OR Something Like That

Notes: Umm.... it was vaguely supposed to be a Three Little Pigs parody? Search hard and ye shall find it ^_^;;

Once in a land of sunshine, moonshine, starshine, and every other shine that hoped to shine, there came a great time of dimness or rather a distinct lack of said shine. The dimness, or DiMnEsS as the locals referred to it as, was defeated by 5 great warriors who had been destined to defeat the DiMnEsS. And afterwards the warriors went their merry way into the sunset, making sure to help themselves to the hospitality of the grateful villagers (not to mention 5 buxomy, willowy, tall, short, average village women. . . ) beforehand.

Several moons later, give or take a shine, these same women gave birth to five bouncing, silent, wailing, staring, glaring baby boys. Though the village women would only be accepted back into their village if they gave up their children to an orphanage, the women replied together, though not in sync, "Screw you and your collective, unattractive, patriarchal asses." or something to that effect. Deciding to go off on a quest, though most men would consider the greatest quest in a feeble woman's mind the quest for the Holy Marriage Ring, these women were after something even more elusive - the Holy Child Support, the women left their babies in the care of a kind if absent minded and slightly temperamental mad scientist. He even had the usual equipment of a mad scientist, complete with moat, dungeon, castle, and ugly gatekeeper. There were a few provisions of course.

The kind if absentminded and slightly temperamental mad scientist would also have to give their boys a full, rounded education of women's libs, an idea which was virtually unheard of ... mostly because women's libs were virtually heard of in this time of shine and place of err space. They were also to be taught the usual more manly skills of fencing, martial arts, horse riding, armor - though they would never wear armor it was thought to be a most manly skill - mending, issuing a duel properly and so on. Thanks to the mothers' other instructions though, the five learned cooking, sewing, cleaning, flower arranging, and regular bathing as well. The scientist added his own old favorites of causing mayhem into being, playing devil's advocate, creating a bomb with 2 ingredients or less, and of course disarming said bomb in one minute or less.

He was also instructed to set the boys off on whatever quest they chose out of a specially pre- prepared hat at the precocious age of 15.

Thus the five boys would soon become the most manly of men, knowledgeable in all skills and prizes on the marriage mart. Unfortunately for female hearts everywhere these veritable fortresses, or rather four of the five rather small fortresses ...., only had eyes for each other, the fifth was rather undecided at this time.

And the fifteen years or so passed in a welter of baby wails giving way to baby babble giving way to teenage sulleness, crawling to toddling to skateboarding along the battlements of the castle, suckling to chewing to err.. chewing, and etc. Soon within the wink of an eye and most of the east wing being blown up in an accident involving a toilet plunger, a goldfish, and a misplaced hydrogen atom, the considerably less kind and more than usual temperamental and definitely mad due to raising five all together too healthy, too smart for anyone's good boys scientist decided it was far past time to set them loose on a hapless and unprepared world.

So, the scientist gathered the boys with hat in hand and told them to stick their hands in the hat and pick out their destiny. Whatever they chose from the hat, they were to follow those instructions and seek it out.

The boys being pretty damned smart by now and having learned from past experiences wouldn't do so until he promised that the hat and anything they pulled out of it wasn't rigged to blow up.

He promised.

Heero, best known for creating the most effective and powerful bombs at a moment's notice (Unconfirmed rumours are that he pulls them from his ass.... strictly rumours of course), pulled out the first note. To no one's surprise, his read -Common Sense-. He was also well known for his lack of skill at defusing bombs and when ordered to do so was more likely to throw himself over the device in hopes that his sturdy, spandex clad body would absorb the impact. Fortunately for him and the other boys who would have had to clean that mess of dripping blood, gooping gore, and random bits of intestine and spine, all the bombs were made by Duo, and they were duds.

Heero fought off the urge to sing song, "I wish I had a brain."

Duo, best know for his sneaking and skulking techniques, pulled out the next card. Again to no one's surprise, his read -Fear-. The braided boy was also known as being fearless; he had once taken nudie pics of the scientist in the shower on a bet.

A truly terrifying prospect.

The boys had then sold the pictures of the wizened scientist's withered parts and other ends to various fetish magazines which catered to such perversities. Not that the boys knew about such things of course. At any rate, the boys prudently declined the free subscriptions for cash. Unfortunately for them because Duo had also sold pictures of them, faces carefully blotted out, to those same magazines, nude pics of course. The braided one had them surprised them with generous birthday presents, also having enough to donate to the local orphanage. For if not for the grace of motherly testosterone and female independence asserting themselves, they too would be mere abandoned orphans without a name instead of semi abandoned orphans with names.

Duo of course, not one to leave a good thing alone, ran a contest in the local paper after having clipped the various nekky arms, legs, torsos, feet, etc. of his friends and himself into a huge collage. The contest had been a great success, - Identify a date!. Whoever managed to piece the collage into 5 separate nekky with faces blotted out boys correctly would win a date with the boy of their choice. Unfortunately, outraged parents eventually revoked the contest on moral grounds. To this date, the week that the contest ran marked the highest sale rate of the papers.

It was fun while it lasted, and Duo thought every moment in traction, bed, and physical therapy was worth the look on his friends' faces.

Perhaps, thought everyone, Duo should have gotten Common Sense.

-Get a Life- was written on Trowa's note. Taken aback by the rather abrupt tone of the message, he missed the looks exchanged by everyone. Loving animals was good'n all and turning their dungeon and moat into a sanctuary for hurt/abused/runaway pets was good too, but the boy knew nothing of the food chain or more specifically the way it worked. Especially considering that said pets frequently tried to eat each other.

Note: The lamb will lieth with the lion but only if the lion ith druggeth to the tipeth of its very mane-eth else said lambe willeth never live its days out to becometh a muttoneth. Eth eth eth.

Perhaps thought everyone Trowa should also have gotten Common Sense.

Quatre had received a note urging him to get a thicker skin. The poor boy immediately flushed and asked everyone around him if he truly was overly sensitive.

Heero remembered the time Quatre berated him for two hours because he had once again thrown himself on a bomb. Then the blonde boy spent the next five hours researching on *why* Heero felt the need to blow himself up, finally blaming himself. Apparently through mental regression, Quatre remembered that at age 2 he had bopped Heero over the head with a well chewed rubber cookie. It had taken months for the blonde to come out of his self induced panic attacks whenever he spotted a cookie. Though the interesting point was, of course, that Heero should have been the one with the panic attacks being the bopped, but that was just how Quatre worked, the poor darling.

Duo remembered the time he had mooned several villages' worth of people at the county fair by pretending to wear flesh coloured pants with an elaborately decorated codpiece. Instead he had wrapped clear saran wrap, complete with sparkling decorative star pasties in strategic points, all over his lower half and then worn an elaborately decorated thong. When the blonde finally caught up to him, the saran wrapped flasher had been merrily dancing a jig with several buxomy lasses and several more brawny laddies, all of them making up for their lack up above by compensating below and below, but that was o~k.

The braided one then spent two hours listening to Quatre lecture in that high yet firm voice about decorum, Duo's lack thereof, the place and time for nudity, appropriate behavior in public; one amusing moment where the blonde gave a rushed explanation of the birds and the bees, hormones, safe sex; and then a five hour through the cramped and awkward halls of pop psychology. Eventually, Quatre reached the decision that Duo's tendency to draw attention to himself, his nekky self or not, was from a deeply buried incident where the blonde one had accidentally worn Duo's toddler clothes. The missing clothes aka loss of personality and self hood had therefore scared the long haired boy so thoroughly that Duo had nurtured an overwhelming need to assert himself as a person object of attention.

And everyone thought it was because Duo loved provoking nosebleeds.

After that little memorable flashback, Quatre went on a three month trek to "purify" himself which was all good and fine, but he dragged Duo with him. Then, of course Wufei decided a meditation in a relatively sterile and serene environment was indeed what he too needed. Heero and Trowa followed along because the castle just wasn't the same without the other three. Besides, their mad scientist of a guardian had locked himself into one of his many secret laboratories so their cash flow was cut off.

Notes: The five was eventually ordered by that particular county to never show their faces OR in the case of Duo, other bodily parts, on the threat of imprisonment.

There was a dormant fault line, some bake 'n shake, a cartload of toilet paper, and lots o' matches, 'nough said.

Trowa remembered that he had left the gate which led directly into a settlement of vegetarian rabbits open for the settlement of carnivorous carrots to get access to. He silently left to make sure everything was ok.

Several moments later, he calmly announced that they would be having shepherd's pie for dinner tonight. [1]

Wufei longingly remembered the 10 hour debate which he had held with Quatre. It had spanned everything from cruel and unusual metallic spatulas with metallic handles to Zoarastrianism[2] holidays not being included in the calendars. No one remembered precisely what had set the two of them off, but both had ended up with near bloody vocal cords and rasping throats.

What that flashback had to do with Quatre's note was anyone's guess but perhaps Wufei was unconsciously avoiding his own suspicions that he too was overly sensitive.

Or perhaps the boy simply loved a good argument.


It was decided eventually that the boys would set out on their journey separately for it was the manly thing to do. Upon leaving, each gave the guardian scientist a present.

Heero gave him an android shaped much like himself. It would do all the little chores around the house such as cleaning and vacuuming. It also came with a 19500 page manual, complete with footnotes. The main thing to remember though, warned Heero, was never to hurt its feelings because then it would blow up, probably taking the castle, the surrounding towns, and everything else within a fifty mile radius with it.

So warned, the scientist decided he could do the chores himself.

The braided one presented him with several subscription to various 'specialty' magazines. They were reprinting their best sellers in past years including the much requested '5 bishounen and the beast' issue.

It was said, later on, his scream was heard echoing through the valleys and mountains.

Trowa and Quatre had combined their resources and proudly offered 5, foot tall figurines of themselves, complete with wardrobe, accessories, and adoption certificates.

Wufei got him a toaster.

But not just any toaster, mind you, it would also draw on every piece of toast, bagel, l'eggo, and fork stuck into it a sage piece of advice.

Unfortunately, what he didn't know was that the other boys had messed with the programming and along with such classic gems as, "One must walk a mile in another's shoes, etc.," there were, " Eat at Joe's!", "Have you petted your lion today?", "Do you like scary movies?", "Let me out! It's hot in here.", etc.

The scientist in return gave them each a secret package which they were only to open in case of emergency. In fact, that was precisely what was emblazoned on the package in a bold red writing: Open in case of emergency.

And finally, it was time to go off on their journey. After a tearful, semi coherent farewell with each other, with the scientist, with the pets, with the castle, with the moat, with the people living under the moat, with the skeletons in the closet, with the skeletons buried under the front lawn, with the skeletons being gnawed on by the lions, with each piece of sand, gravel, and blade of grass on their property, it was far too late in the evening for them to start off.

So they all got a good night's sleep and set off early the next morning.

End Prologue? Intro? tbc in Heero's Journey for Common Sense OR Ah me, a literal minded boy I be. . . .

[1] Shepherd's pie if I remember correctly is made with chunks of various meat and veggies *snickers*... if you still don't understand mail me ~.^

[2] Ack >.< Spelling I know I know...

Yas I know ^_^ where the hell did I pull that out from *smirks* and the three little pigs reference will show up some time o.O just don't ask when. err the next five parts or so will chronicle the boyz' attempts to complete their destiny and it'll be in more 'normal' fic form as opposed to inane narrative *grins*

Heero's part is half way done and the others' are outlined so hopefully I'll be getting to them soon. ^_^ But I still have a few songfics to finish off ^_^ then there are the incomplete series ^_^ Gee this is fun ^_^ why do I do this to myself? ^_^ Ah well ^_^ _^_^_^_^_^_^_^

Heero's Journey
Pearls, Jewels, and other artists named for lumps of sparkling substances . . .


There was water in his hair.  There was water running down the back of his shirt.  There was water trickling off the tip of his nose, and there was water in his shoes going squick squish squick squish in the mud with every step.

And it was raining.

And cold.

And windy.

And he was rather losing all feeling in his extremities, as Duo would have put it - yay.  hurrah.  yipee.

But he was strong.  And stubborn.  And lacked common sense.  So Heero Yuy trudged on.  And on.  And on.  And would have trudged even further on if not for the umbrella which suddenly appeared over his head.  Startled, he immediately took up a defensive pose.  Unfortunately, his shoes decided that they'd rather stay in the cold mud.

So he ended up flat on his back with mud running down his shirt, his hair, his pants, and the boy could have sworn the taste of it was running down his throat instead of the ultra cool and imposing pose he had worked so hard to perfect.

Heero was just glad the others weren't there, especially Duo and Wufei.

Then he wondered if he could just lie here for a while.

But a large hand was already extended to help him up, presumably belonging to the one who had also held the umbrella up.  The rain soaked, mud seeped boy silently took the hand and up he flew.

"Boy, don't you have any common sense?  Walking around in this kind of weather."

Heero refrained from replying that - No, he did not have any common sense.  It was the sole reason he was out here with mud in his shorts, rain in his hair, and grit in his teeth.  Would you know where I could find some?  Instead, gathering the water logged tatters of his dignity around him, the boy retrieved his shoes.

Besides, it was a rhetorical question - he didn't have to answer it if he didn't want to.

The man continued on, "Well then, why don't you come with me to the inn and we'll get you clean and warm."

Heero took careful measure of the man before replying.  Well, as careful as possible considering there was mud dripping off the end of his eyelashes as well.  The older man was tall, bulky, hugely muscled in the arms and shoulder, Heero absent minded flexed his own abs, and friendly looking with a big grin.

It was the grin that decided it for him.

The boy shrugged.  "Ah."

"Come along then, boy.  Young people these days, what's I say what's the world coming to is what I wanna know."  And on the man babbled. [1]

Heero concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. Finding commons sense was harder, and dirtier, than he had expected.

Plus his shoes were missing.



Upon arriving at the inn, a large motherly looking woman with the words 'mother hen' practically blazing across her broad chest immediately sent him to one of the large rooms upstairs.  There he was stripped [2], alternating between glaring and blushing furiously, and plopped into a wonderfully warm and steaming tub.  Thankfully, the rain had washed away most of the mud so he was able to soak until the water cooled.  The good dame had also seen fit to send up some spare clean, though well worn, clothes, obviously belonging to a person much larger than the Heero.  The sleeves were over large; they had to be rolled up four times and yet they still threatened to spill over his hands.  The shirt kept sliding off his shoulders, Heero made a black post it mental note to get a shirt like this for Duo, and the hem well nigh approached his knees.  But it was clean and covered all his vital points.  The boy didn't even bother glancing over at the pants, having the feeling that he was more likely to trip over the legs or have the pants slide off anyway.  He chose instead to don the drawers that came with the clothes and resigned himself to being drafty down below.

Heero clomped, doing so was hard when barefoot the boy noted but he managed, downstairs.


"Why, George, isn't he the cutest thing?"  The woman wiped her hands on the apron around her ample waist and fluffed the boy's bangs.  Heero would normally have protested this treatment but just then, he caught a whiff of the food calling from the kitchen and his stomach answered eagerly.  She laughed merrily, shining face flushing with mirth, and guided Heero to a side table next to the
fireplace.  She placed a large, steaming bowl of stew, a tankard of milk, and freshly baked yeasty rolls in front of him in a flurry of starched skirts.

"Eat.  Eat.  Eat.  We'll talk later."[3]  She bustled off, patting his head once in a friendly gesture, making sure to keep the boy's plate full despite obviously being busy with her own chores.  George, the man who had brought him here and most probably the woman's husband, would check on him occasionally, dark green eyes smiling in a tan and weathered face.  The bearded man was also busy, mending a particularly difficult saddle and tack.

Finally, eating enough to appease his stomach and the woman's watchful eye, Heero took the time to glance around.  Due to the inclement weather outside, the inn was virtually empty.  The wooden tables and chairs were worn but well cared for as was the rest of the establishment.  Twin fireplaces kept blazing, despite the lack of occupants, next to him accounted for the general warmth of the room.

George, noticing he was done, motioned him over. "Boy, you know anything about saddles?"  Heero nodded, accepting the heavy equipment from him, and spotted the problem area almost immediately.

"The cinches are too tight on the side.  The leather you used wasn't cured properly, and it shrank."

George chuckled, fingering the problem area.  "Nice work, boy.  Eh, can't keep calling you boy, now can I? Martha'd get annoyed.   What's your name anyway?"

"Heero.  Heero Yuy."

"Heero, huh?"  The man guffawed, nearly turning the table over with his antics.  "Don't tell me you're wandering around looking for damsels in distress."

"No, common sense."

George, instead of looking sceptical as most had, gave him a thoughtful look, "You're one of those then.  We got a boy, about your size and age, who came in about 2 weeks ago.  Damndest thing - he was dressed all in black and just showed up right out of the shadows,"  he waved a thickly callused hand at a corner of the inn, " asking if anyone had seen Fear."

Heero quirked a brow, restraining a smirk.  "Duo?"

"Eh? No, no... he was calling himself Death actually.  Had the longest hair I ever saw, like something out of a faery tale.  Pretty little thing, too."

This time the boy restrained a sigh.  What was the other boy up to?  Calling himself Death, hadn't he gotten over that when he was 10?

The older man continued on.  "Martha, my wife, " he added somewhat belatedly, "Bless her heart, tried to adopt him, but he wouldn't have it.  Said something about finding a tower on the other side of the mountains and off he went."  George eyed Heero speculatively.  "Would you know him then?"

The boy shrugged.

Laughing slightly, he continued.  "Then just a few days ago, a black haired boy, same age and size again, came in.  Wanted to find Justice."  Dryly, the man added, "I recommended finding a judge or the magistrate but then he saw something which must've spooked him and off he went."

This time, Heero allowed himself a small smirk.

Wufei running from something?  It must be a woman.  His friend was notoriously shy of the opposite sex, something every woman seemed to sense on instinct.  He recalled the time entire troupes of village girls had made it a game to have a "Wuffie Week" every month or so.  Whoever managed to grab and kiss the boy in front of witnesses was declared the winner.  They snuck upon the dark haired boy in the trees, in the bushes, in the outhouse, while bathing, while changing, and even while he slept.  The first time Wuffei week at been declared, at the end of the week, Wufei was a trembling, twitching, jumpy wreck.  Whereas he had been rather shy of the female before, he was a gibbering fool when the 'woman' was so much as whispered after they were done with him.  As he grew older, Wufei managed to mask his relentless fear with a supercilious sneer and arrogant attitude, but it didn't help much.

Heero idly wondered if someone should mention to his friend that breaking out into a cold sweat wasn't helping his image as a woman hater.

A loud feminine voice interrupted George's recollections; it was his wife.  "You leave the poor boy alone for goodness sake George.  You do babble on.  Can't you see the poor thing's exhausted?  All scrawny and big eyes; he's nothing but skin and bones."

Heero felt a bit affronted, actually he felt very affronted, but resisted the urge to threaten and kill the lady.  For one thing she had clothed, cleaned, and fed him.  For another, between the husband and the wife, they could probably restrain him by squashing him between them.  Besides, while he might not have the ideal size and height of the average village bully, he wasn't *that* small . . . though wearing an oversized shirt probably wasn't helping matters.  His glare was reduced to the sulk of a five year old in these circumstances.

Heero gave into his urge to sigh.  His kingdom for a growth spurt.

"Why see?  The boy's practically whimpering."  She shooed Heero off to bed with a firm admonition not to rise before noon.

To his surprise, Heero did precisely that.


The next morning, as if the belie the raging storms of yesterday, a clear cloudless blue sky greeted the bleary eyed boy along with the inviting smells of cooking meat and rising bread.  Immediately awake after the first few disorientating moments, something which always drove his other friends to distraction, Heero half heartedly tried to settle his unruly brown hair, eventually giving up as they continued to defy him as well as gravity.

Snatching a quick midday meal of meat and cheese filled bread, he made his way towards the stable where George undoubtedly was.  Maybe the tall man knew of any rumours concerning Common Sense.

"Well, boy, you're looking rested.  Ate already?"  At Heero's affirmative nod, George settled more comfortably on his stool.  "I guess you'll be going after that 'Common Sense' you're so set on."


"Well, I'll tell you what I told your other 2 friends, oops, I mean the other 2 boys who came in who you obviously know nothing about.  If you walk out about 5 miles north of here, you'll see 2 mountains.  When the sun's risen between the two peaks, you can see a passageway between the two from here.  See it?  Crossing the valley, you'll run across a cottage on the outskirts of a forest.  Make sure you're carrying something of worth, boy.  There's a spell caster living there, and she'll only let you in if you're willing to give a gift."

"A bribe then."

The man shrugged, "Call it want you want, but its gotta be something valuable.  Not expensive necessarily but valuable."

As Heero struggled to work that out, the man chuckled.  "Something that's important to you and maybe only one or two other people in this world, got that boy?"


"All right then."  George squinted up at the sun, carefully checking its position in the mid-day light.  "If you're planning to head out today, you'll want to hurry and load up on some supplies."

"Ah.  George?"

"What is it, boy?"

"Did any of the other two go to the cottage?"

"Nope.  The one calling himself Death just grinned, cheeky as you please, and said he'd rather do things his way.  The he hitched a ride on a traveling salesman's cart and headed over the hills.  The jumpy one just skedaddled right outta here before I could mention anything about a spell caster."

" . . . .Thank you."

"Get on with you.  What's a little gossip exchanged now and then.  Gives me a chance to slack off without the bossy old hag breathing down my neck."

As if once cue, "George!  Stop your jawing and tell the boy to hurry on back."  The man rolled his eyes expressively and stretched.  "You heard the woman, time for you to move on."



Though Heero was highly doubtful that George was correct in his description of the magic worker, he couldn't fault the man's skill at navigation.  There was indeed a small entrance between the two mountains, something which could only be seen as the sun rested between them.  He settled camp there, unwilling to continue on in unfamiliar terrain without the proper lighting.

Actually, he had tried to blow his way in using several dozens pounds of strategically placed dynamite, but every time he lighted a match, a playful wind would blow it out or a sudden shower would drench both him and the now soggy match.

Eventually, he got the point and decided to set camp, leaving the dynamite in place just in case.

As he drifted off to sleep, Heero, despite his denial that such a personage existed, couldn't help but wonder what present he could offer to the spell caster.  Something valuable but only to a few . . . He drowsily touched the slim bracelet he wore, a weaving of rich old gold and gleaming silver.  It was a birthright of sorts, something his mother had left him before tripping merrily off on her quest with the other four women.


Heero set out early next morning for the cottage.  Strangely enough, the trek through the valley was less strenuous than he thought possible, and he didn't even have to use any explosives.

How disappointing.

Much to his surprise, though all the boy would let out was a semi grunt/honk, a small cottage awaited him at the end of his voyage.  It was neatly nestled amongst the verdant green and browns of the forest behind it.

The dark haired boy stepped up to the front of the cottage, keeping a wary eye out for hidden traps and weapons.  You could never be too careful, no matter how innocuous things looked.  All he had to do was remember the look on Trowa's face when that rabid pillow case hit him at full speed . . .

"Go away!"

He tried knocking again.

"I said go away, you brat!"


He tried blowing up the door.

"Haha.  You think that'd work here when it didn't even work in the valley?  Get lost."

Eyeing the door and deciding perhaps that brute force wasn't the answer - of course he came to this conclusion *after* attempting to apply brute force-he called out, "I came here for the magic worker.  I need to find Common Sense."

"You're telling me!!!  Didn't you hear me the first oh... 3 times or so before?  Go away!  I have no time for you."

He tried the last resort.  "I have a gift."  And nearly fell on his face as the door opened without warning.  A woman, only a bit taller than him and slimly built, stood grinning at him.

"Well, why didn't you say so before?  Come in, come in."  She waved him in with an offhanded gesture, wiping away some sort of gooey purple mess on her shirt with the other hand.  "Excuse the mess, I was just making up another spell."  The woman chuckled.  "You know how it is."

Restraining the urge to give her the odd eyeball, Heero simply shrugged in reply and stepped into the house.  He also stepped into a large flat dish of water set precisely one step away from the door.

"Oh and be careful, there's a colony of dish water nymphs I'm studying.  They're very rare you know."

He carefully took his now soaking foot out of the dish and glared at the woman's back.  He was having *no* luck with footgear lately.  With a sigh, he shook the dripping foot over the dish, hopefully whatever 'nymphs' were clinging to the shoe would take the hint and go back to wherever they came from.

She carelessly flopped into a chair, hands casually crossed over chest, legs sprawled in an ungainly manner.  A large chunk of dark brown hair, streaked with gold and silver, fell over her eyes, and she blew it away impatiently.  Heero narrowed his eyes.  There was something familiar about her.

Then she grinned, the right side of her mouth quirking up with an almost unbearable smugness, her head falling slightly to the side.

He choked and turned away slightly.  It couldn't be . . .

"Well?"  The woman, dark blue eyes.. .almost purple in the right lighting, asked impatiently, a hint of warning in her tone.  "The offering?"

Heero fingered his bracelet lightly before handing it over to her in a decisive move.  She raised an eyebrow at the abrupt action but accepted the bracelet.

Then *she* choked.


The seated woman carefully set the bracelet down on the table next to her and too a good look at him.  Heero remained indifferent, taking the opportunity to check out the cottage instead.  Smelling of earth, herbs, and a hint of sulfur it was simply furnished except for the elaborate set up in the kitchen.  He assumed it also doubled as a laboratory because of the bunsen burners and various psychedelically colored substances bubbling merrily in pots and pans.

It only helped confirm his suspicions.  He was dealing with D-

"What did you say you were looking for again?"

"Common Sense."

"Hmm...."  The woman picked up a gun and began dismantling and cleaning it with an ease which only a fellow gunman could appreciate.

Heero was mildly impressed.  That is until she opened her mouth for the next request.

"Boy, go pull the bread from the oven will you?"

Barely restraining the urge to threaten to kill her, but never once considering telling her it was woman's work - his childhood training working rather well, Heero stomped away to the kitchen.  Only it was more of a stomp squish stomp squish sort of effort, his shoes only working at 50% stomp efficiency.

He quickly pulled said bread from the oven, not bothering to use the gloves layed so haphazardly near the fire.  The boy absent mindedly hung them on the wall where they belonged and set the bread to cool on the kitchen table, clearing away some of the dirty dishes into the sink as well.

He stamp squished back.  Obviously busy with the ever important job of brushing her hair out, she didn't even glance up at him before pointing him in the general direction of the bedroom.  "Go make the bed will you?"

Gritting his teeth, the boy did just that.  He couldn't help but note with pride that one could bounce a dime across the bed without a single crease occurring.  That led to more intriguing thoughts of bouncing something heavier across the bed, something that came with a braid, bright laughing eyes, and a mouth tha-

Heero considered bouncing with great detail is what we'll leave it at.

Upon returning to the living area, shoes now at 64.7% stomp efficiency, he was given yet another chore - to pull some water from the well in the back.  The boy was also told to beware of the well nymphs residing there, they tended to pull humans in with them for fun.  Being absent minded creatures, they kept forgetting that human couldn't breathe underwater and she really didn't want the water dirtied with yet another water bloated corpse.  This was all said in the calmest manner possible.

Heero really didn't want to know.

Stomp stomp squish stomp stomp squish went his shoes.

The trip to the well went without incident.  If one discounted the fact that a few watery naked nymphs popped out of the well and asked Heero to frolic with them.  He of course, being the little gentleman he always was, dryly asked if there were any water fauns he could frolic with instead.  They pouted at him and splashed water at his shoes - sigh - but the boy came out fine, only a bucket of water and two wet sneakers to show for his effort.

Shoes - 0  Water - 4 and counting.

Stomp Efficiency down to 0%.

Squish squish squish squish

Surprisingly enough, the woman looked up this time, noting the basket full of water with a small smile.  "You can put it by the door.  So, you're here to find common sense are you?"  She gestured at the bracelet now on her lap.  "First thing's first - where did you acquire this bracelet?"

Heero returned her arrogant with one of his own, the one Duo fondly nick named the Yuy Don't make me come over there and beat you into a crepe and feed you to one of Trowa's pets Ways to Die 129b (129a being turned into a pancake - its all a matter of eggs and timing really).  "I want my Common Sense first."

Instead of withering on the spot, whimpering, and leaping for the nearest window, she smiled, shaking her head.  "You really . . . "  Then the dark haired spell caster straightened in her seat slightly.  "As you wish."  She gestured for him to come before her.

"Heero Yuy, " she ignored his start of surprise, "You have fulfilled three of the requirements necessary to have your wish granted.  You pulled the bread out of the oven, made the bed, and got water from the well.  Your reward is . . ."  She paused to pull out sort of stick and waved it over his head a few times, nearly clipping him when she sneezed. [4]  "Flowers and jewels will fall from your mouth every time you speak!"

Heero's mouth dropped open, quite literally.  Then he drew in a deep breath of air to give her what for when . . . a large chunk of ruby fell out of his mouth, nearly taking two of his front teeth in the process.

The obviously insane woman eyed the precious stone appreciately.  "Oooh, good one."

"You, " he spat out the word as well as a few nasty tasting tulip petals and a string of pearls, "idiot woman!  What the hell were you thinking?  Are you thinking at all?  I never asked for this, " all the while choking and spewing out random sparkling rocks and flurries of bouquets. [5]

"Hmm?"  She paused from retrieving a particularly intriguing piece of quartz.  "I'm sorry what?"

"What the hell is this?!"

"Oh sorry about that.  Can you keep talking for a while?  I need to nice big chunk of quartz for a spell I'm workin on. . . "  She went back to digging through the piles of various items still falling from Heero's mouth.

"You.... you... you.... you..."

"Ah-ha!!"  The spell caster triumphantly held up a clear quartz piece roughly the size of her head.   Then she glanced over at him.  "Oh, you're still spitting them out?  Can't you use your head? Figure out the spell."

Heero spoke in a low, menacing voice, somewhat spoiled by the string of pearls caught on his gums.  "I never asked for this.  This doesn't make *sense*!"  Then he blinked and opened his jaw a few times experimentally.  Hn.  The jewels and flowers had stopped.  Though there was this... he spit out a daffodil irritably and slowly pulled out one last piece of jewel, a sparkling amethyst piece which he immediately pocketed, and commenced - or is it continued - to glare at her.

"What.  Was.  That."

The woman had the nerve to grin at him, dimple in right cheek winking merrily.  "You found your common sense!"

"What?"  To say Heero's look of disbelief was mild was to say that Duo's clothes were a light grey.  It just wasn't so.

"Think about it, dear.  Have you *ever* admitted to yourself, even only in thought, that something didn't make sense?  You just accepted it didn't you?  Took something really strange to wake you up though . . .  Plus I just wanted to try this spell, found it in this really old spell book you see and I wasn't sure it would work.  I'll be needing it for this girl that's supposed to show up later in the woods and... "

The boy, to his credit, didn't strangle the woman on the spot and paused to consider her words.  It was true that he never questioned orders but what right did she have to lecture him?

She smiled brightly.  "By the way, I'm Duo's mom.  Nice to meet you!"

Oh.  Right.  He knew that.


Somehow from this mess, the spell caster and Heero managed to end up seated at the table drinking tea and companiably munching on the freshly breaked loaf, though he would still shoot her occasional glare as he felt the small cuts and bruises having several stones lodged in his mouth caused.

"Terribly sorry about all this, Heero."  She had confirmed his worst suspicions.  This woman was Duo's mother.  The same grin, the same tilt to the head, the same *maddening* way of provoking a person. . . Mera, the woma- Duo's mom's name Heero reminded himself, smiled quite contedly, looking not a bit sorry in the least.  "Here, I'll even make it official."  She presented him quite solemnly, solemnly if not for the amusement lurking in dark blue eyes, with a card.

It read -

I, Heero Yuy, am a Card Carrying member of the Human Race which doth have Common Sense.

"Congratulations!  Oh, and Heero dear, I also have a request for you."

He looked up from examining the card and wondering if he could have it laminated.  "Request?"

"Yes, do you think you can build a house from spandex oh about . . . three miles north and one mile to the west from here?  You'd end up at the end of the forest on the other side."

"Hn.  What do I get out of it?"

Mera smiled slowly, the kind of smile that Duo always smiled when he really wasn't smiling but laughing at the other person sort of smile.  It was a smile that had people in the know running for the nearest shelter.  "Oh, let's call it a whim.  All your other friends will have received the same request once completing their quests as well."

Heero shrugged.  He had nothing better to do.

So that is how one Heero Yuy, bomb builder and blower upper extraordinaire, came to set up a house of spandex at the edge of a forest.

And there he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

For said bomb builder and blower upper extraordinatire had forgotten to ask an important question - What was he to do once he completed building the house of spandex.

If the boy had bothered to look down at the card, now laminated and in its own little spandex space, he would have seen a glaring reminder.

I, Heero Yuy, am a Card Carrying Member of the Human Race who does not ask enough questions before accepting missions and therefore end up staying in a house of spandex till a big bad wo-

There the card was cut off, cause ya know... no one can see the future and whatever big bad wo-....

(End Heero's Journey, tbc in Duo's Journey)

[1] Foghorn Leghorn!!! *falls over choking*
[2]Woohoo! *coughs*
[3] You're so thin I could stick you through the eye of a needle!  My right arm *brandishes arm* is bigger than you are. *chokes again* must... stop... doing that....
[4] Can anyone tell where this faery tale is going? No? ^_^;; ah well
[5] He sounds like Wubaby... *chokes yet again*

Excerpt from Duo's Journey

Ok, this shouldn't be too hard.  Find fear.  Fine then.  What's the number one thing people feared most?  Baldness?  Nah.  He patted his long braid comfortingly.  Bankruptcy?  Jelly molds?  Spiders?  Death? Death! Death of course!  So, how could he turn this to his advantage?  Briefly, Duo pondered the advantages to going out on a random killing spree.  Nah, too time consuming.  Besides, what if his hair got covered in blood?  That stuff *crusted* in no time flat.

But what if he called himself death?  The real death would hear about it soon and come for him right?  So he'd know what fear was since everybody was scared of death, meeting the real thing should be something ne?  Of course Duo never gave a thought to the idea that the real Death could possibly be *very* pissed off at a mere mortal using his name or at being tricked, but this was Duo.

Satisfied with his conclusion, Duo merrily made his way up and down the country side, proclaiming himself as Death.

He had no idea.

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