For Reishin-neechan's Birthday. Happy belated birthday neechan!
Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.]
The silence filled the room as the owner of hands that danced efficiently yet gracefully on the worn keyboard of a laptop stopped in its course and spared a quick
glance at another occupant of the room.
In the opposite corner of small crumbling hotel room on out-skirt of another nameless town, a slim boy with hauntingly deep violet eyes sat on dirty carpet with rusty
crimson color that looked as if thousands upon thousands had shed their blood on it.
The pale figure in amidst the sea of blood sat immobile, his eyes fixed upon the small screen of television. The screen glowed eerily, ripples of light and shadow
dancing enticingly on the solemn face of its sole audience.
“What the hell are you doing?” Heero curtly asked, somehow puzzled by Duo’s unusual behavior. Even though they were not on mission any longer, there was no
laughter or teasing that came so easily from his usually cheerful roommate and it made him feel… uncomfortable… insecure.
“Nothing.” A husky voice replied laconically, his eyes still drowning in a sea of black and white images that played before him.
Heero glared at Duo, knowing better than to take that obvious answer. If something is wrong with his teammate, he must take care of it… for sake of the mission,
he couldn’t risk his mission and that’s only reason why he would even bother to waste his precious time with this idiot, he told himself, but was he really?
Somehow… despite the years filled with betrayal and hardship, his fellow Gundam pilots somehow became more than just partners in mission… more like friends…
perhaps even a family Heero never had.
[I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
“Duo. Don’t give me that shit. Just answer the question.” Heero was never a person with tactful tongue and he didn’t attempt to hide it in anyway either. What he
wanted was an answer and he would get it no matter what it took.
Duo turned toward him, yet his eyes were unfocused… and the image it produced with eerie background light from TV screen was somewhat unnerving even for a
person like Heero. That empty coldness lurking behind those violet eyes was ‘almost’ enough to make him shiver.
That’s not Duo….
“Heero? Do you believe in God?” Duo asked and Heero blinked in surprise at this unexpected non sequitur.
“What?” Heero looked into his friend’s eyes…. This time they were not as empty as before… but what filled those large eyes was no longer emptiness but
indescribable sorrow and longing….
Eyes are supposed to be mirrors of one’s heart… then what lies beyond those beautiful eyes…?
“I asked you if you believed in God, omniscient and omnipotent one who is said to have created us, humans and this beautiful world.” Duo smiled weakly as he
whispered word ‘beautiful’. “Yeah, this beautiful world where parents kill their own children, children killing their parents, friends betraying each other, this perfect
world where we, sinners, bathe in blood of our brothers and sisters. Ne, Heero?”
“I don’t see where this is going. And… I thought you believed in God. Isn’t that why you’re always wearing that golden crucifix?” Heero asked, trying to sound as
nonchalant as possible, yet… the image Duo’s words produced was horrifyingly familiar for they were living in it…. It was their reality.
“I guess… I used to, but this is more for sake of people from my past than anything else is. Now I wonder… if there really was such being as God in this forsaken
world. If He was then why do innocent people have to die? Heero have you ever looked at people who are dying of starvation? Have you ever looked into eyes of
innocent ones who are dying as they prayed for salvation that never came?”
No… Duo wouldn’t know about it.
Memory of delightful laughter of innocent child, warm sunlight, cheerful voice… and the warm blood that erased everything….
“When people starve, all rational thoughts flee from their mind… only thing left behind is their instinct to survive. They would kill others, even their own family if it
means food for their poor stomach, and… when they get desperate enough they would even start to eat flesh of their friends for sake of temporary extension of their
miserable lives. This truly is our paradise, isn’t it? This must be what God had planned for us when He created us….” Duo grimaced bitterly as he uttered every
syllable. He looked as if… as if he could experience every pain… every tear that has painted the history of humanity.
I can't believe in you.]
“So… I no longer believe in God…. He might not have been there in the first place… or maybe He no longer cares….”
What has brought him to this? Where is the smile of cheerful Shinigami…?
Maybe… just like God no longer cares… Shinigami is too tired to keep his mask….
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.]
“Duo…. There must be someone… something out there who listens to us….” His own voice sounded… strange. It didn’t sound like his… but more like a lost
child who didn’t know where to go. Maybe… Duo has been his light, as much as he ignored it, as much as he denied it, perhaps he needed to know that something
is not going to change in this turbulent world that they called their ‘home’.
Maybe he was human too…. Maybe he had always been one….
“Heero? I never thought you would be the one to say such things to me. I must look pretty pathetic, ne? But I’m not you, Heero. I can’t kill all emotions like you
did. As much as I want to… I can’t. This is me. Even if I’m just another weak fool in this world… even if I’m another useless pawn in this game of hatred… I
don’t want to hide it”
No… It’s not the time to give up… not yet. It is too soon.
Nobody… has right to blame another for being human….
I now know what I felt when I looked into your eyes… I now know what that strange sensation was whenever you touched me.
Perhaps it has been envy. Maybe I have been envious that you knew how to live as a human when I gave up on being one such a long time ago….
Or perhaps it has been a sense of relief that humans… no matter how few, are something precious, something that is worthy of our tears and blood that we so
often shed in endless battles.
Or… is this strange feeling what others call ‘love’?
[We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet ]
“Then don’t. There is no need to hide who you are. In this war, everyone is fooling themselves into believing that what they’re fighting for is justice, what is right and
good for everybody else. Perhaps that is only way they can cope with the fact that their hands are stained in the blood of their brothers and sisters, but just because
of the fact that others are deceiving themselves doesn’t mean that we have to deceive ourselves as well. It is just another useless attempt to deny reality. That’s the
coward’s way out.” His voice was quivering a little… for he knew that he… himself used to be one of those as well. The mission had been justice itself to him a
long time ago… before Duo came and broke the logic that once securely protected himself from feeling anything… from feeling guilt that would eat him alive
Even when the little innocent died… he believed that it was inevitable. He accomplished the mission… everything else… it didn’t truly matter. The twisting sensation
whenever he recalled that innocent smile of small child… he believed it wouldn’t matter… that guilt would gradually fade away as time passed. He believed so… or
he wanted to believe so.
I can't believe in you.]
“Heero… but sometimes humans are just too weak to see the truth. Not all people can be as strong as you… you know that. People cling to little illusions that they
have created for themselves. In a way… that’s their heaven for Heaven has vanished from our grasp a long time ago.” Then Duo chuckled slowly as he continued.
“Or maybe Heaven is just another hell hole, who knows?”
[Did you make disease and the diamond blue? ]
If God existed… then why do we, humans have to suffer so much?
Why are we trapped in this endless cycle of suffering?
As some people of ancient time said… karma? Or perhaps because God thinks it’s amusing to see us struggle vainly with our allotted fates?
Maybe our whole existence is just another sick joke… just another thing to amuse oneself with. So maybe that’s why nobody has been successful in finding a
purpose to life because there was none to begin with….
[Did you make mankind after we made you? ]
Maybe God is just another illusion that we, humans have willingly bound ourselves to.
They just want to believe that there is someone who will rescue them, one who will make everything okay no matter what.
They just needed a scapegoat. They wanted one to blame for all the unfortunate things that have fallen upon their heads. They chose to believe that
everything has been through ‘divine’ will rather than blaming themselves and for once take responsibility for their actions.
And he was not above them either….
[And the devil too?! ]
And if God truly loved us then why try to kill us through hatred amongst ourselves? That was precisely what He was doing, wasn’t it? If He loved us….
Perhaps He never loved us. Perhaps He hated us. Maybe that’s why humanity only knew of hatred because one has never been loved. So humanity itself is
the devil it loathes so much. We just refuse to believe it… and believe that we can purge it… even though the only way of doing so is denying part of
ourselves… killing ourselves.
Don't know if you noticed, but...
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,]
Heero shifted his gaze from the mesmerizing depths of Duo’s dark eyes… and fixed those cold cobalt eyes upon the thick tattered leather bound book that lay
carelessly on floor beside Duo.
Wherever they went… it was always there. Everywhere they looked, it was always there.
It was like an accusing reminder that they’ll forever be condemned for sins they have committed. They have killed people; they willingly and knowingly killed
people. They killed people who were humans just like themselves. Those who have perished… they too had their rights and will to live, but he and his ‘friends’
were stronger… so they died instead.
But that doesn’t change the fact that they have killed others… the blood their victims have shed over and over, it doesn’t simply vanish just because of that. It can’t
change the reality. No matter what the purpose of the killing is, it can’t change the truth. Perhaps it can distort part of the truth but completely change it... it can not.
“Heero… did you notice that throughout history, every single war and mass-killing has been done under the name of justice and God? They believed that that entire
killing would be justified that their sins would be forgiven if they shed blood of others for the ‘right cause’. But what they don’t know is that there is no one who is
absolutely right. Not even God.” Then as if remembering something, Duo picked up the bible off the floor and softly began to read a short passage from Exodus
aloud. “On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn—both men and animals—and I will bring judgment on all the gods of
Egypt. I am the Lord.”
“So for His glory he has killed every firstborn. He showed no mercy even to those who were merely babies. It didn’t matter to Him. For His name, he killed
them…. All those innocents… they have died along with those who might have sinned. Punishment without distinction… it’s fair, ne? He has shown His glory
through fear, not through mercy or love.” Then Duo laughed…. His laughter tinged with sadness echoed throughout the room, shattering the silence like the angels
of God who have shattered the hearts of parents of Egypt.
“Maybe we are gods too, ne? After all we too kill without distinctions and the path we walk is filled with corpses and destruction. I think we fit the requirement to
be gods pretty well….” Duo grinned but his eyes were too bright… too eager… there was simply too much pain.
[And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you ]
“Duo… what the hell is wrong with you? Why… are you doing this to yourself?” Heero asked… his voice mixed with anger, worry, and doubt….
Before Duo came in, he might have felt guilt, but he didn’t question his existence or his belief. Now… Duo was breaking everything that protected him against the
world… he was making him feel the pain, he was making him doubt about everything that had once been so secure.
Heero began to hate Duo for it… he loved Duo because of it.
But Duo didn’t realize it. Heero wouldn’t let him.
Heero knew he had given Duo far more than he could possibly afford to and he was not going to let Duo take advantage of it. It was now ‘his’ turn to take
something of Duo… something very precious… his memories.
And Duo gave it to him….
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in... ]
“Today is a very special day, you see…. Probably everyone forgot about it, but those who experienced it never forget…. A heart might heal with time, but a scar
never vanishes. Anyway… long, long time ago, there was this nameless orphan. He had no one who cared for him. He once had friends but ‘God’ had taken them
away to a better place or at least that’s what others who had a little pity for the boy told him. The boy knew it was a white lie and that they meant no harm, but
somehow those lies angered him. He thought, ‘Maybe my friends have gone to a better place, but they haven’t chosen it. They wanted to live, yet God took away
that choice. It was their right and God deprived them of it.’ So the boy thought if there was only God who deprived us of our rights, one who has given us nothing
but pain, one who lets his ‘children’ go through all the suffering, then he would deny Him. That he wouldn’t let another foolish hope take hold of him ever again.
That he would never love another again because it hurt so much….” Duo smiled… this time it was not a mask of pretense, but a real one… a sad and empty smile
that echoed his desolate soul.
“The boy very much wanted to end his worthless life… but he couldn’t deny his loved ones’ wishes that asked him to survive, to carry their memories in his heart so
he lived on. As time passed the boy learned to hide his heart, yet no matter how skilled he became, he couldn’t hide his heart from one person… a person whom he
wished would never find it again. That person was… himself. So when he did realize that he would never be able to escape from emotions that came so naturally
for him, he made a promise to himself. If… if he still couldn’t find reason to continue… then he’ll end the life so that he would not sin anymore than what he has
already committed. So that there wouldn’t be another like him….”
Heero’s breath was caught in surprise as he realized exactly what Duo meant….
“Duo? You are not…” Heero took a step forward to Duo but stopped abruptly as his eyes caught a sight of familiar object with a dark metallic gleam in Duo’s pale
[I won't believe in heaven and hell.]
“Heero… even now I haven’t found reason why I should slaughter more innocents. I still haven’t found my angel who was supposed to save me from this hell.
Have you?” Duo wistfully smiled and….
[No saints, no sinners, no devil as well. ]
A year has passed since Duo has given up….
And ever since then I have tried to find the reason that Duo has searched for so long….
I wanted to prove that our existence has more meaning than just another pawn in a game of power. I wanted to prove to Duo that he was wrong to give up.
[No pearly gates, no thorny crown. ]
But even now… no matter how many innocents we have killed… the war continued.
It didn’t end… and somehow it feels as if war is an immortal monster that is sucking up the essence of Life in order to continue its existence. So… as long as
there lives another human, it will live.
Maybe it will not physically manifest itself in a form that we are used to, but nonetheless there will be war within… self.
As long as there is seed of doubt and fear inside us… we… I… can’t reach peace.
So as time passed I began to wonder… wondered if peace was ever ours to behold.
[You're always letting us humans down. ]
Where is peace that was promised by God?
Is it just another empty promise?
Or was it just another impossible dream humans dreamt in darkest hours?
[The wars you bring, the babes you drown.]
Maybe I don’t deserve such peace… after all my hands are too tainted with blood to be cleansed with tears that Jesus shed.
Those tears are just too few… and I can probably never receive it.
Just like any other, those tears are reserved for those who are innocent, those who never realize how cruel reality is, aren’t they…?
Those who don’t even need those tears in the first place… they are only ones who can ever receive the salvation.
And sinners like me… like Duo… we long for it and we need it so desperately yet we can’t get it.
The world is truly fair, isn’t it?
[Those lost at sea and never found,]
And sometimes… when I’m alone, I wonder if Jesus will ever look for us if we get lost…. What if he can’t recognize us because we’re covered with blood?
Will he still want us even then? Or would he abandon us like any other in fear that crimson blood we bleed may taint his 'innocent' sheep?
[And it's the same the whole world 'round.]
Ever since you have left this world… nothing seems to make sense anymore. All logic flees me and all I’m left with is a puzzle that I can’t comprehend.
Long time ago… you once said… that I see everything in black and white.
But now… now that you’re gone, my world has turned gray and I can’t distinguish truth from lie.
[The hurt I see helps to compound]
I remember the scar of your heart that you laid bare on your last day. You told me you continued because your loved ones told you so… but I don’t think you
realized that you imposed the same burden upon me….
Or maybe you did realize it… except you didn’t care anymore.
Or is it that you wanted me to remember for you because memory hurt you so much?
You said you were last survivor of Maxwell church… so were you worried that if you were gone, everything that you have shared between them will
disappear with you as well?
Is that why you have ‘given’ me your memories?
But did you know that your memory hurts me too?
[That Father, Son and Holy Ghost]
“Heero! Watch out!” Quatre’s voice echoed through the small compartment where Heero sat, his eyes impassively fixed upon the bright flare of a beam cannon that
was directed at the heart of Wing Zero.
He knew he could easily avoid it if he wanted to.
If he wanted to…
But he did not want to.
So he let it go through him… he let it purify him….
[Is just somebody's unholy hoax]
“I do not understand them… I can’t understand either of them.” Quatre’s aquamarine eyes were fixed upon two simple stones that marked the eternal resting-place
of his friends.
“You don’t need to, Quatre. This is what they chose and it was their right.” Trowa lay two stems of white roses upon the grave.
The roses were so pure… so clean… just the way they wished they could become….
>i?[And if you're up there you'd perceive]
“Quatre. Trowa. Let’s go.” Wufei stood somewhat apart from his two remaining friends but his dark eyes were fixed upon the small carving and Quatre and
Trowa both knew he too was mourning… in his own way.
“But Wufei…” Quatre hesitated to leave his friends like this…. It was too soon….
[That my heart's here upon my sleeve.]
“Quatre… this is not a place for living. This is their place… their heaven.”
[If there's one thing I don't believe in.....]
“Aa…” Quatre nodded and let himself be led away from the graves of his friends… but he knew he’d come back. And he’d see them again….
But before he left, he left a small diary with worn pages upon Heero’s grave.
After all… it belonged to him and him only….
I haven’t found an answer to your question. I’m not sure if God exists or if He does then if He will ever listen to me, but if He is… then I pray I will be with
you after my body perishes because my heaven… it is where 'you' are.
That is my first and last wish….
And I pray He will grant me this.
Notes: Since this one is very confusing one, I'm going to write something down here for once. =p Anyway the loooooong monologue in the middle of the fic is what
I think in general or it can be used as Heero and Duo's thoughts. And after Duo *cough* committed suicide, it's all excerpt from Heero's diary. And the last
italicized monologue is Heero's last entry. ^^;; Kinda depressing in a way... sorta. ::sweatrop:: Anyway hope you enjoyed it! ^.~
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