I'll Make a Man Out of You
Music by Matthew Wilder, lyrics by David Zippel

(Scene opens on Wufei glaring down as Quatre and Duo fix each other's hair, Trowa picks out a hair clip for his...uni-bang, and Heero prances around in pink spandex shorts, trimmed in white lace...)

(Wufei is dressed in camoflauge pants, black hiking boots, and a jacket with the kanji otoko/man written in stark black letters wields a staff.  It's the *dramatic pause* Mighty Staff of Justice!!  He points it at the rest of the G-boys.  The staff, strangely enough, looks like his Nataku's fighting staff...he sings)

Let's get down to business--to defeat the Huns.
Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?

(The G-boys look up, sweatdropping at Wufei's words)

You're the saddest bunch I ever met

(Heero sniffs and looks offended, flouncing the lace on his shorts.  Duo and Quatre blink at each other and continue to tie ribbons in each other's hair.  Trowa simply continues to try and stab his hair err attach a pin to his hair.  Wufei meanwhile has black fumes rolling off him in waves.)

But you can bet before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man out of you

(The G-boys scatter.  Trowa and Quatre running into the lady's room, giggling madly, with Wufei chasing after them, screaming and shaking his stick at them.  Duo and Heero run off to the local sale at a fashion outlet.)

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within

(Wufei rushes out of the bathroom with Noin, Lady Une, and Sally Po chasing after him, brandishing pistols; his stick seems to have shrunk for some reason....^^xxxx)

Once you find your center
You are sure to win

(Wufie, still waving his stick, chases down Duo and Heero at the clothes store.)

You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue

(Wufei grabs the dresses from Heero's and Duo's hands and throws them to the ground.  He stomps on them several times.  From behind him, security guards run up and grab the gloating Chinese boy.  Heero and Duo shrug as Wufei is grabbed and thrown out.  They wander off to get their hair done.)

Somehow I'll make a man out of you!

(Wufei consults his posters of Songoku and Vegeta, for advice.  Tears stream down his face as his determination is renewed.  He stalks off in search of his teammates with an even bigger Staff of Justice in hand.)

(Wufei has managed to gather the G-boys in one place.  He paces back and forth, waving the stick wildly.  Duo and Heero cling to one another, watching as the madman rants.  Quatre peers rather bored at his nails.  And Trowa....has brought Lion-san to play with Wufei....)

(The G-boys sing- Be a man)

(Wufei slowly backs away from the lion, brandishing his staff....)

We must be swift as the coursing river

(Duo and Quatre laugh madly, falling over on their sides as Wufei is chased up a tree by the curious lion--Be a man)

(Wufei, in desperation, throws his staff down at Lion-san.  It catches the stick in it's mouth and snaps it in two with great big white shining teeth.)

With all the force of a great typhoon

(Wufei closes his eyes and finally jumps down...right on top of the lion.  The lion snarls, Wufei screeches, and Heero starts to vogue for some strange reason-Be a man)

With all the strength of a raging fire

(Wufei runs screaming for his Staff of Justice, with Lion san chasing him.  Riding on top is Trowa, who is cackling and at the same time urging the creature on.  Quatre, Duo, and Heero are left blinking in the dust.  They shrug and make their way to the local tea parlor.)

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

(The three G-boys are seen sipping tea, pinkies up of course, from delicate porcelain cups.  They chat about the weather...well, Quatre and Duo do, with Heero emitting an occasional grunt.  Behind them unseen, Wufei rushes madly across the landscape wailing...with a still cackling Trowa and Lion-san in hot pursuit.  They rush back and forth...back and forth...back and forth... The sun sets, and a full moon rises over the landscape while two figures run )

Time is racing toward us till the Huns arrive

(Wufei, panting and looking around nervously, has somehow managed to lose Trowa and Lion san.  He suddenly stands up straight and screams, "Nataku no tame ni!!!" and rushes off...somewhere.  Perhaps to fetch a new stick? err Staff?)

Heed my every order and you might survive

(Wufei, fuming and practically oozing male type horomones, faces the reunited G-boys.  Trowa is busily braiding Lion-san's mane into little dreadlocks with green ribbons.  Heero is stonily allowing himself to be glomped by Duo.  Quatre is busily rearranging some flowers on a nearby coffee table.  Wufei struggles to pick up a HUGE Staff of Justice.)

You're unsuited for the rage of war

(He points it at Lion san, who growls and bats at The Staff.  It wobbles and starts to tilt over....)

So pack up, go home, you're through
How could I make a man out of you?

(The G-boys sadly shake their heads.  The Staff of Justice has landed on a now flat Wufei.  The Chinese boy opens his eyes slowly, little SD Natakus with white gi performing katas in neat rows, spinning before him.)

(Duo sweatdrops as Heero grunts and picks up The Staff with no problem.  Pink Lace Spandex boy flings it away...Later, headlines read that the Queen of the World was killed by a mysterious flying log-Be a man)

We must be swift as the coursing river

(Wufei groans and shrieks in outrage as abruptly, an omniscient and omnipotent mysterious power, known only as those Hentai Chick Fanfic Writers TM, picks him up.  He is carried away.

(The G-boys exchange dumfounded looks.  Duo shrugs and asks, "Isn't it almost time for the show?"-Be a man)

(Wufei is abruptly deposited before Nataku.  He is dressed in a gauzy white gown, see through of course.  He screeches and pulls at his hair...only to find that it has been neatly pulled back with miniature jeweled dragon pins.  He faints dead away at the feet of his beloved Gundam, his delicate black silk ballet type shoes pointing up.)

With all the force of a great typhoon

(The rest of the G-boys, including a suddenly bi-pedial Lion-san suddenly rip away their clothes...revealing assorted black garter belts, corsets, lace stockings, black leather gloves, and high heels, a la Rocky's floor show.  They strut off stage singing, "I'm just a sweet transvestite."-Be a man)

(Wufei slowly gains consciousness, kneeling at the feet of his Nataku and sobbing.  He notices that Nataku has large black silk slippers over it's mecha feet.  He peers up fearfully and shrieks once more.  Nataku is dressed in a HUGE gauzy black see through lingerie robe.)

With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

(The boy cracks, well who wouldn't ^^;;;, and runs off skipping and twirling, skirt flaring wildly in  the breeze.  He is later picked up by the rest of the G-boys on the way back from the live viewing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  His mind has sufficiently cracked so that he happily joins them, Lion san included.)

Believe it or not there is a sequel to this ^_^;;;

Sequel alert!!

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