~~Nani?!? Another Silly Mission~~

The class quietly whispered amongst themselves as they waited for their teacher to make his appearance. It was the first day of school for the students of Sink or Swim Cooking School, their motto "You learn to cook, or else." The school also had uni sex classes, a fact which many male students were mourning at this very moment.

Of course, four of the students didn't have any problems with this.

"Oi, Heero."


"Just why are we here again?"


"To do what?"

"To carry out a mission."

"O~kay.  I get the point, but what sort of mission?"

Heero's head swiveled around, cold blue eyes glaring into playful violet ones. "If you knew, I'd have to kill you."  Then he let out a maniacal laugh before subsiding and returning to glowering at the front of the classroom.  He resolutely ignored the stares from his suddenly silent classmates; his fellow gundam pilots in disguise carefully edging away from their psychotic comrade.

Duo sweatdropped and turned to Quatre, who was seated behind him.  "Ne, where's Trowa?"

Quatre answered back, "He won't be joining us for this mission."

"Quatre...  Do *you* know why we're here?"

"Sorry, Duo.  Heero has the mission details."  The blonde boy offered an apologetic smile at Duo's frustrated sigh.  Duo's bored gaze fell on the pony tailed back of Wufei's head.  He immediately threw a waddled up piece of paper at his head, gleefully expecting it to hit with a resounding smack.  Of course, Duo had also expected to his self destruct to work...

Wufei tilted his head slightly to the side, and the paper went flying past.  Duo threw another piece of paper, and Wufei again dodged it, without even turning around to acknowledge the American pilot's efforts.  Duo threw again and again, with the same results.  The paper missed each of their targets, certainly not due to lack of paper and enthusiasm on the braided boy's part, and much to the annoyance of the people seated in front of Wufei, who were being pelted with the wads of paper.

Frustrated and still bored out of his mind, Duo finally resorted to the more old fashioned method of gaining the Chinese boy's attention.  He grabbed the tempting, twitching short pony tail and yanked.  Hard.

"Kisama!!"  Wufei jumped on Duo's table with an annoyed yell, and Duo found himself facing the business end of a sharp Ginsu Knife TM.

The braided boy simply smirked.  "So Wufei, why are we here?"

Wufei flushed faintly as he realized that now *he*, instead of the steadily... stoic Heero, was the center of attention.  He leaped off the table neatly and grudgingly bit out, "I do not know.  Ask Yuy, " as he resettled himself in his chair.

The American pilot, of course, immediately turned to Heero.  "Naaa, Heero.  So why a-"  At a tap on the shoulder, Duo turned around.  The occupants of the table before Wufei's were holding out the huge handfuls of paper Duo had been attempting to pelt Wufei with.  "These yours?"

Duo grinned.  "Why thank you.  I never know when I might need them again."  He grabbed the paper and put them on his desk.  Then turned to bug... err question Heero again.

At another tap, the braided boy turned once more.  "What can I do for you... healthy looking gentlemen."  They were tall; they were bulky, they were butt ugly... and that was an insult to the many fine looking butts out there.

"We want an apology."

Duo grinned even wider.  "I'm sorry then."  He turned his back on them, bent on getting a straight answer out of Heero.  A harder tap.  Tamping down on a sigh of resignation, Duo once more turned around.  "You rang?"

"That wasn't very sincere."

"Hey, you got your apology. You did *not* state anything about it having to be sincere."  He offered them a smile, bordering dangerously on a smirk before turning around.  He would ignore them; he would pretend the taps on his shoulder were nothing; he would...

Duo felt a hard tug on his braid, the braid that he didn't like for *Heero* to touch sometimes.

He would kill them.  He would rip them apart with his bare teeth and gleefully drink down their blood... ewww, never mind.  But he *would* hurt them, a lot.

"Omae o korosu."  Of course, Heero had much quicker reflexes, and his thought processes weren't as drawn out as Duo's, or as rambling for that matter.  -Mine.  Touch.  Die.-  Rather like Saitoh's -Aku.  Soku.  Zan.-... But not really.

Duo eyed the nicely shining gun barrel which was pointed at the now terrified would-be bullies.  He carefully raised a hand to the metal and grabbed it quickly, pointing it upwards in case Heero decided to shoot just for the hell of it.  He was like that sometimes.


"No, Heero."

"Just a little bit off the top, or maybe the sides."


"I won't kill them.  Just let me make them bleed...."  Cobalt blue eyes blazed with a slightly blissed out, maniacal gleam at the word "bleed."  A fact which was *not* missed by the terrified boys.

"No.  No bloodshed in school."


"No, when I say no, I mean no."

"Not all the time."  Heero wasn't *quite* sulking... but he was pretty close, fingering the trigger of his gun with a wistful air, usually seen in connection with a child and a beloved toy...


"How about after school?"

Duo mulled over that for a minute.  With each massing moment, the triumphant gleam in Heero's eyes increased, while the bullies' trembling fear increased as well.  Meanwhile, the other students, minus Wufei and Quatre who were resolutely ignoring the whole spectacle, were watching with all the fascinated air of ones attending a circus... or an execution.

"Fine, after class."  Heero didn't say anything, tucking his gun into the space which fascinated the American pilot to no end.  Spandex boy settled for pinning the two terrified students with his Blue Plate Special Death Glare TM, as opposed to his K-Mart Special Death Glare TM, which was reserved for people he was only mildly irked at.

Then, the door slammed open, and a huge man filled the doorway.  Of course, to the G boys anything past 5'6" was huge, but that was besides the point.  He was built like a tank, an armored tank... with specially reinforced plates.  Heero stared straight ahead and muttered in a satisfactory tone, "Ninmu ryoukai."  He did not let loose a maniacal laughter; he was only allowed one per scene.

It was going to be a long few weeks thought most of the students.

They had no idea.


"Hellooooo, class.  Are we glad to be here?  Sure we are!"  The teacher beamed out at the confused class.  He looked... tough enough but... "Now, let's all be FRIENDS!!  Do we want to be friends?  Sure we do."

Briefly, each of the g boys wondered if running out of the class screaming would be considered a mission failure...

Their teacher, Mr. Twitterbutt, continued on.  "Now, let's all prepare for the wonderful, wild, willy, world of Cusine!"

It was too late for all of them.

<Heero's observations>

1:  Don't bother removing the shells of the eggs from the batter.  It's going to be mixed in the batter anyway.  The crunchy texture after being baked is also a good side effect.

2:  Cooking at 400 degrees for one hour can be reduced to half an hour if one sets the oven to 800 degrees.  Same difference.  Just like the problem where if Train A leaves Milwaukee traveling east at 75 miles/hour and Train B leaves New York traveling west at 30 miles/hour then if Train A proceeded to travel at 150 miles/hour and Train B slowed to 15 miles/hour and then Train C, going south from Canada, had to take a detour...


Moving on...

3:  Several things *can* be cooked together at the same time.  Potatoes, rice, beans, and veggies can be cooked in the same pot, very efficient... So can fish, but only if one wants everything to smell like fish as well... Considered it an efficient way to season foods.

4:  As a last resort, glaring is an option... *the* last glare, the Extra Special with a cherry on top Death Glare, the killing glare which was reserved for Relena, Zechs, Treize, Duo... all the people who were still very much alive come to think of it.

Treize: *raises eyebrow*  Oh?
Zechs:  This is an AU fic sir, nothing from our universe can really be taken for granted.
Treize:  Then why write GW at all?  Why not original?
Zechs:  She's not creative enough.
Treize:  Ah...
Zehcs:  Plus she really enjoyed sticking us in skirts.
Treize.... *smooths out wrinkles in his white tafetta dress* I gathered that.
Zechs:  Sir, your mental quickness astounds me as always.  *adjusts the black spaghetti straps of his micro dress*

Err... but back to the point.

... He could always blow everything up.

Footnote: Blowing things up are a last resort.  Also a first resort.. and something which can be done at all times, any time come to think of it.

<Duo's observations>

1)Always try sampling *everything*, the ingredients, the batter, the spices.  How else will you know what to mix in together?

2)Rule 1 applies here.  Mix everything together, how else will you know if it tastes good or bad?

3)Black is a must for fashion, not so good when cooking, unless your specialty is Cajun.

4)Never let Wufei near the kitchen.  NEVER.

<Quatre's observations>

1)Add in tea leaves, pour hot water directly over them.  Let steep, then add in fresh cream, sugar, and lemon as desired.

2)When dealing with psychotic gundam pilots, hyper friends, and a somewhat morose lover, add in as much tranquilizers, 'uppers', and alcohol as needed, not necessarily at the same time though.

3)Repeat if necessary.

4)As a last resort, call on your 'uchuu no kokoro' aloud.  They will look at you strangely and leave you alone.

Mr. Twitterbutt fluttered over to the downed black haired boy.  "Oh no~  Our dear, dear friend Wufei has fainted."  He sniffed suspiciously near the boy's face and the tea cup he had been drinking shortly before falling with a 'clunk' on the floor.  "He's drunk..."

Nobody noticed Quatre patting the side of his book bag, his little case of various vials and pills safely hidden.  His friend's grumblings were getting a *bit* on his nerves.  The blonde boy calmly sipped his tea while Duo poked at Wufei with a wooden spoon.  The braided boy looked up solemnly and pronounced, "Drunk as Great-Aunt Matilda during Sunday's services."

Wufei was... lying down.  Actually he was tied in several intricate knots, not to the ground though.  Everywhere around him were tiny versions of himself dressed in bizarre costumes, ranging from red speedos with a black jagged, lightning shape running down the sides to white, shimmering, see-through bunny costumes, complete with flopping rabbit ears and fluffy tails.  They continuously changed or rather squeaked in tiny, adorable voice, "Kisama, " as they poked and prodded at him.

One, dressed in a Tinker Bell type outfit, jumped onto his chin and chirped, "Ki~sa, Ki~sa, Kisa~ma, " in an appallingly adorable style.  Wufei glared cross eyed at the little creature before bellowing out his own, belligerent, "Kisama!"  He sent the little version of himself tumbling head over heels, straight down the length of his body, knocking over a set of Wufeis who were gleefully setting up a bonfire on his stomach.

At his screech.. err indignant exclamation, all of them perked their little ears up and lifted him, still tied up, like a group of ants would lift a particularly large, and in this case *loud*, crumb of food.  They carried him through glades, hills, and what looked like a huge pocky forest... but it couldn't be.. right?  The miniature, privately Wufei thought of them as the gremlin, versions, of himself came to a stop in front of a huge open field, their constant chant ringing in his ears.

His jaw dropped open.  The size of the field wasn't what shocked him, although it was *huge*  It was the contents of the field which made his eyes widen in shock.  There were more mini Wufeis... even smaller than the squeaking fiends carrying him.  They were frolicking, meditating, training.. there were *thousands* of them.  And as if alerted by some unspoken signal, all of the Wufeis suddenly turned around, fixing bright eyes on the stunned, original sized Wufei.  They all squeaked, "Kisama", and rushed towards him in huge rolling, black dotted waves.

Wufei's dark eyes opened impossibly wide; it looked as if he would die from Death by Chibi.  Stoically, he accepted his fate even as he winced inwardly at the rather ignominious way to kick the bucket.

Then Fate, or a reasonable facsimile therein, intervened.

The unending sheets of chibis suddenly squealed in minuscule type horror and rolled into little balls of black hair, with their tiny pony tails sticking straight out.  Then, as if in one unspoken command, they rolled away.  Balls and balls and balls (You hentais out there, stop giggling!!!) and balls of rolled up Chibi Wufeis.  The mind boggles...

The rather irritated and very confused Wufei could only watch this strange phenomenon.  What could have scared them... He stopped wondering.  In front of him was the largest mecha he had ever seen.  Only it wasn't really a mecha... it was a chibi mecha of himself.  A *very* gigantic chibi mecha, if you'll forgive the oxymoron.  The mechanical monstrosity was very busy scooping up the roly poly Wufeis left and right.  The moment it spotted him though.. Wufei could have sworn the thing's eyes gleamed red for a moment.  Then, it headed directly for him, one massive metal arm reaching out...

Duo poked at the whimpering boy, curled up in a fetal position, once again.  "Ne ne, do people usually whimper and cry when they're daydreaming?"

Everyone sweatdropped, except for Quatre who sat drinking a nice hot cup of tea.  Wufei was indeed making pitiful squeaking noises and flailing rather violently.  It was... rather unnerving.  Quatre continued drinking his tea, a blissful smile on his face.

"What should we do with him?"

"Dump his body outside.  He's no longer useful to the mission."

*Thump*  "Heero!"


While Quatre sipped some more tea, a beatific expression of serenity on his face.  Ah... the quiet....

Case File:  01
Graduate:  Heero Yuy
-Eventually mastered the casserole, stew, and other recipes where several things could be cooked together.
-Excelled in efficiency.
-Bombed in souffle.  Literally.  Threatened everyone who moved or talked while his soufflé was in the oven.  Later shot the soufflé when it refused to rise.

Case File:  02
-Graduate:  Duo Maxwell
-Eventually mastered the Japanese cuisine of sushi and sashimi where no cooking was required.
-Excelled in creative decoration and food presentation.
-Bombed in mastery of Baked Alaska.  Threatened bodily, extremely creative, harm by Case File subject 01 if ever attempted again.  Note:  Spandex *can* burn if exposed to extremely high temperatures.

Case File:  03
-Graduate:  Quatre R. Winner
-Eventually mastered curry and other dishes involving serious seasoning and spices.
-Excelled in boiling water.
-Currently under investigation for usage of various drugs.  All who sampled his dishes are now addicted to certain herbs used to spice said dishes.

Case File:  04
-Graduate:  Wufei Chang
-Withdrawn due to sudden break down.  Developed highly irregular phobia to cute, fuzzy, little creatures and all things that squeak and/or roll.
-Under medical supervision.

"Ninmu kanryou."  He smiled slightly in satisfaction as he shut off the computer.  Everything had gone as planned.  The boy know as Trowa Barton stretched slightly in his seat.  He'd never have to suffer through any of his team mates' poor cooking attempts again.




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