Notes: A totally random offspring of umm.. I don't know what -_- Why is Wufei hosting, why am I picking on Heero, what is Trowa doing in a skirt? I dunno -_- This is gonna be kinda like gfk in that there's no plot and be a totally random series *grins* v^^

Dedicated to Storyteller. Just because she liked Heero's lines *snickers*

Wufei's Guide to Dating

A softly lit room is revealed to the audience. Richly furnished with rugs, tapestries, and other dust collectors - very expensive dust collectors mind you- the room is filled with bookshelves as well. A large comfy armchair takes up the middle of the room. Perched on the back of said armchair, or rather crouched like a strange human vulture type predator, is Wufei. He clutches his sword in one hand and his fuzzy nataku slipper in another as he prepares to combat the villainous cur that would dare invade his sanctuary.

With a blood curdling war scream much like a certain warrior princess whom Wufei solemnly believes is the reincarnation of his mother, the dark haired boy springs like a well lubed di- diving machine.

The cockroach scuttles away, in buggy fear for its sanity. What strange creature is this flying human to scream and holler thus. It sighs heavily as it makes its crawling way to its 1967 relatives; the earth was going to hell in a hand basket with these mammals roaming everywhere.

The black haired boy settles huffily into his seat, over large plush robe clutched tight around him and slipper clad feet dangling over the edge.

Before you ask - no, he's not chibi; he's just… a growing boy.

"Good evening ladies and gentleman. Welcome to Wufei's Guide to…" He blinks and looks around for his manuscript, finally finding himself seated on it. After a bit for scuffling and exasperated sighs, he settles once more. "Welcome to Wufei's Guide to Dating and Other Dastardly Deeds." The Chinese boy glares impressively over the bridge of his nose at anyone who would dare laugh or comment on the choice of subject matter much less the host himself. Then he pulls a double take and re reads the cover of the manuscript. With a frown and a thick black permanent marker he crosses something out.

Wufei coughs, "As I was saying, welcome to Wufei's Guide to Dating. Today we shall examine such important details such as finding a date, then using tranquilizers to tag it before setting it off into the world for a yea-…"

The Shenlong pilot calmly rips out that page.

" . . . finding a date, defining the term 'date', some hints and tips to get that subtle "I'm interested but don't push it" look as well as the "Well what're you waiting for, take me my pheromones aren't going to last forev-"

He rips out that page as well.

"After the first date, extending relationships and of course, the all important appropriate time to bite off the head of the male without appearing too indelicate."

Wufei grabs the black marker once more and ruthlessly applies it to the page with great determination and relentlessness.

". . . the appropriate time to let your Significant Other leave a toothbrush in the bathroom."

He fixes a stern eye towards the audience, the effect mildly spoiled by a black smudge mark running directly parallel to his eyebrows.

"First Step: Identifying an Attraction."

First Step: Identifying an Attraction

Scene: Sally's office. A knock is heard.

Sally: *absentmindedly* Come in *looks up* Oh wait, the door's lock- *pauses* *sighs* Never mind. Hello, Heero.

Heero: *steps in* *is about to throw crunched door handle and lock into nearby trashcan* *changes mind* *stuffs it into shorts*

Sally: . . . Why don't you have a seat, Heero.

Heero: *sits down* . . .

Both stare at each other for a while.

Sally: *delicately* Is there something I can help you with?

Heero: Yes.

Both stare at each other for a while.

Sally: *beginnings of a nerve throb* What can I help you with?

Heero: I have a problem.

Sally: *dryly* We've established that already.

Heero: *glare set on mild* ...I'm getting to it.

Sally: So sorry. Do go on.

Heero: *looks to retort* *thinks better of it* I . .. I . . I have a problem

Sally: *facefaults*

Heero: Hn.

Sally: *picks herself up* Heero… I can't help you if you don't tell me.

Heero: *puts on his best, defiant - my gundam is so too bigger than your gundam (which is true because Sally doesn't have a gundam… as far as we know)* My organ.

Sally: *chokes*

Heero: . . . My heart *glare set on medium*

Sally *fans herself* Give an older woman a break and just say so from the start.

Heero: *mildly curious* You're not that old.

Sally: Thank you *dry as the Sahara* What about your heart, Heero?

Heero: *frowns* It skips a beat sometimes, and it beats louder and faster.

Sally: *alarmed* *reaches for stethoscope with one hand and Heero's wrist with another* Doest this happen all the time? *pauses* *waits for answer* Heero?

Heero: *funny voice* No.

Sally: *sighs* *takes pulse* *frowns herself* Well, does it happen after a strenuous physical exercise? Too much excitement? Not enough sleep?

Heero: No.

Sally: . .. So? Then?

Heero: *looks away*…

Sally: *taps Heero's wrist with a finger* Heero…

Heero: *glares full blast* Only in the presence of a certain individual.

Sally: *blinks* *double blinks* *realization dawns like the first summer after half a year of darkness in Alaska* Ahh… *mildly* Your other symptoms?

Heero: *flat, unfriendly tone* Shortness of breath, dizziness, rapid rise in body temperature, significant fall in body coordination, inability to concentrate, inability to sleep, brief moments of giddiness, intense pain in chest area, mood swings, and inexplicable urges to… to… to…

Sally: *eyes growing ever wider and wider* To? *expectant pause*

Heero: *dangerous tilt to otherwise even voice* To write love poems *significant look* BAD love poems.

Sally: *speechless* *opens mouth* *closes mouth* *opens mouth* *closes mouth*

Heero: *watches perfectly composed*

Sally: *see above*

Heero: *generously* Want me to read you some?

Sally: *see above*

Heero: Hn. *pulls out perfectly creased piece of paper - from shorts *natch*- and unfolds it* *clears throat* Its in free verse. Stella had not your beauty, Juliet pales in comparison to your dawn. Aphrodite was mere mortal, and Wing Zero not half your shine. Oh, how the morning dew settles and shines so lovingly in your hair like excellent gundam oil sparkles on the surface of Wing in the waking moments of the morn. And oh how your pale pale face draws me nearer than any bright, shiny red self destruct button. And oh, how my heart aches like a really good blow to the chest from a steel bar as you smile and walk past me. *pauses* That's all I have for now.

Sally: *regains voice* Ah… Ah… interesting poem, Heero.

Heero: *unperturbed* *refolds paper and tucks it into short neatly* It's bad and there's precisely 235.4 more of it.

Sally: *weakly* In your shorts?

Heero: *disinterestedly* Where else?

Sally: *pauses* *decides not to ask about paper cuts* *shakes herself* So how can I help you?

Heero: Make it stop.

Sally: Make what stop?

Heero: *glares as if to say Stop acting blonde* This, this, everything! *voice rising* Make Everything Stop! *pauses to regain breath* *adds as an afterthought* or I'll kill you.,


Heero: *menacing look* I will.


Heero: I mean it.


Heero: Hn.

Sally: *pauses to massage forehead* Have you considered… just following your feelings?

Heero: Unacceptable.

Sally: It might help. In fact *gleam in eyes* Professionally speaking *mentally apologizes to her Hippocratic oath* this might be your -only- solution. Purge yourself, let it all out *mentally keeps thoughts of spandex and letting it all out at bay with a frying pan* Go with your feelings *pauses* *hopefully* Ne?

Heero:…*consideringly considers*

Sally: *coaxingly* Make it your mission.

Heero: *flat unfriendly stare* I'm not that gullible.

Sally: Sure. Right. *gives him a pseudo flat, unfriendly stare right back* I'M not that gullible, Heero.

Heero: Hn.

Sally: *smug look* Mission Accepted?

Heero: Mission Accepted… *stalks off*

Sally: *rolls eyes* And heavens help the poor soul you're stalking *contemplates spandex* Or maybe not. *picks up phone and dials it* Hello? Quatre? I have a … mission for you *laughs lightly* Scene fades. Open on Wufei once more.

Wufei is industriously flipping through the manuscript with black marker in hand while ripped and crumpled pages lay scattered around him like failed origami projects. He is busily muttering, "When I get hold of the unscrupulous villain who wrote…" He looks up and a faint blush flushes warm on his cheeks.

"And now that we've established the attraction, let's move on right along to …" His voice trails off at the next lines, the fading hint of color blooming into scarlet poppies from Oz. "K. I. S. A. M. A." Wufei violently grabs his sword *ahem*, rips the offending series of pages ( and there are a lot of them) out, and Julienne fries their non existent pulp asses off. He regains his composure eventually, still clutching his phal- blade. "Second Stage: Declaring Your Affections."

Second Stage: Declaring Your Affections

Scene: Living room.

Trowa: From one man to another.

Heero: *eyes Trowa's skirt suspiciously* Hn.

Trowa: *smoothes invisible crease on tartan* I've decided I'm feeling a trifle Scottish today.

Quatre: *nods enthusiastically* We're doing a tour of the world sort of thing. *frowns slightly* Though I don't know *how* we're going to represent Canada, ne Trowa?

Trowa: *solemn look* Quatre, remember we're here to help Heero?

Quatre: *frets* Yes, but … if we can't find a costume for Canada, everything will be ruined!

Trowa: *shrugs* Blame Canada.

Quatre: *far away glazed look in eye* Yessssss, we could blame Canada! *mutters to himself* I wonder if I can write out that little blowing up a chunk of the colony as a Canadian secret conspiracy… *continues to make notes and consider options*

Heero: *looks mildly disturbed* About Duo…?

Trowa: *gazing fondly upon Quatre as the little blonde plots* *looks back towards Heero* Ah yes. *solemn look* Heero, did you know that Duo absolutely adores chocolate tanookis?[1]

Heero: Chocolate Tanookis?

Trowa: *affirmative nod* *removes tea set with deft grace as the coffee table is turned into a miniature model battlefield with Commander in Chief Quatre presiding* He would do anything for chocolate tanookis.

Heero: *inwardly speculative* Anything?

Trowa: *allows a faint smile* Anything.

Heero: Hn. Acknowledged. *glances over at Quatre who has launched a two prong attack on hapless Canada of teletubbies and bubble gum pop* *shudders* *makes strategic retreat*

Scene fades. Focuses on a hallway, any hallway.

Duo: *zooms down* And its Shinigami in the lead with one lap left to go. The favorite of this race, he tears up the trackway with a grace and speed never seen before on this track. He approaches the finishing line a-

Heero: *steps out in front of Duo*

Duo: *skids to a halt* Heero! Damn, you scared me. Don't you know better than to do that, what're you trying to do, send me to an early grave which you know is impossible since Death can't die, but do you have to try so ha-

Heero: *holding something behind his back* Duo… *intense look*

Duo: Umm.. *confused look* Heero....

Heero: *another intense look* Duo.

Duo: *rolls eyes* Heero!

Heero: *holds out... jumbo sized choco shaped tanukil*

Duo: *eyes bulges out* *rushes forwards with greedy graspy hands* For me?? You shouldn't have but since you did, itadaki-- *pauses* Heero?

Heero: *grabs tanooki*

Duo: *puzzled* Heero?

Heero: *holds loaded gun to choco tanooki's head* Date me or the choco rodent dies!


[1]*snickers* Well, I asked figbash for an appropriate rodent dipped in chocolate and she suggested tanooki *grins* Which are those strange creatures lining the front of hotels and hot spring resorts - If you've ever seen Captain Tylor - that strange creature that shows up in the control deck every so often.

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