To Be A Bitch
Warnings: Language!!! Definitely Language.. and bad innuendos and horrendous other stuff -_- Notes: I think I must have been traumatized by faery tales when I was younger… Why else would I screw with so many of them? *sweatdrops*
Heero was a Bitch, but he was a misunderstood Bitch.
He had never wanted to be a Bitch, you see. His guardian, a member of the elite Mad Scientists (only not quite mad but slightly enraged for no known reason), enlisted his ward in the School of Villainy. Wanting only the best for Heero, J, aforementioned Mad Scientist but only slightly enraged really, signed Heero up for the top level of Villainy. He was expecting something like Insidious Vizier, Evil Stepmother, or even the very rarely granted Subtly Menacing Buck Toothed Rabbit. But no, Heero had qualified for the role of Bitch. J was, to put it mildly, Very Upset. So upset in fact that he was quickly elevated to the ranks of Very Mad Scientist in which the chosen members were quite mad and quite enraged. This helped placate Heero's guardian, but not overly much that J would ever end up as a mere Mad Scientist ever again.
Heero's feelings on the matter were quite clear. All he ever wanted was to be a Big Bad Wolf. Never mind that Big Bad Wolves were a dime a dozen, never mind that they always came to a Bad End. No, his mind and heart was quite firmly entrenched in becoming a Big Bad Wolf. Unfortunately, the head of the School of Villainy was also quite firm on this issue.
Heero was a Bitch.
So after graduating as a Bitch, Heero trod off into the unknown to find his little niche in life and to hopefully become a credit to his Alma Mater.
Heero, being the efficient Bitch he was, found himself a Cottage, an Occupation, and a Reputation in a relatively short period of time - the singular C, O, and R to success that every Bitch in life needed to have. He also had a best friend, who wasn't quite a Bitch, but a Big Not So Bad Wolf But More Like A Cowardly Lion, Trowa.
Trowa had also graduated from the same School of Villainy - only he had never quite made up his mind as to what he would like to study. And the School of Villainy, despite its excellent organization and people skills, was known to graduate a few of its students without a real status. Trowa was one of those students. He couldn't quite decide if he would rather be a Big Bad Wolf or a Cowardly Lion (and really the Cowardly Lion course was offered as an alternative to dabbling in the School of Histrionics which his sister absolutely detested). So Trowa settled on being a Big Not So Bad Wolf But More Like A Cowardly Lion. The quiet boy lived in the requisite Deep Dark Disturbing Cave, pre littered and artistically strewn with scraps of cloth, half rotting corpses, and picked clean skeletons for those Villains on the go! It was only a skip, a hop, and a double plié from Trowa's cave to Heero's cottage.
Not that Trowa would ever skip, hop or double plié or that Heero would ever double plié, hop, or skip to one another's homes, but it was a thought.
A disturbing, better kept to one self, secret thought - but it was a thought nonetheless.
As for Heero's place of residence, his cottage was the usual sort of cottage to lure sweet, nubile young flesh into their unthinking doom and Heero's flat tummy.
Only the previous Bitch living in said cottage was known to be rather skewed in the head, and imagine Heero's shock when his cottage attracted the wrong type of sweet, nubile, young flesh!
To his horror, and ever lasting disgust, the sweet, nubile, young flesh turned out to be hordes of bishounen who kept calling him Mistress (he tried to beat this out of them but it only served to make them call out his name… repeatedly) or Master (he also tried to beat this out of them, screaming out "Bitch, bitch bitch!" But this also served to make them call out his name… repeatedly). It didn't matter to these panting (drooling, crawling, whimpering, sweating…) bishounen that the sweet, nubile, young flesh Heero wanted were little boys and little girls to munch and to crunch on. Not that Heero had ever munched and crunched on the bones and meat of little boys and little girls - but being the intelligent Bitch he was, he judiciously assumed that they would indeed munch and crunch after being roasted in double, hand laid, brick ovens at full heat.
Perhaps Heero mused to Trowa, as he cowed a few over eager bishounen with a few sharp cracks of his custom cat o' nine tails, it was the outfit that gave them the wrong idea? Granted his guardian J *had* presented his wardrobe to him under the influence of one too many chemicals and such, but surely what sort of impression would thigh high black leather boots, velvet and leather corset, matching elbow length black leather gloves, and a silver studded velvet collar give off other than "I am Bitch!"
His friend Trowa mused right back, "Perhaps it was the material in which the cottage was made of?" He then clipped an over eager bishounen neatly under the chin with a lion slipper clad foot. His other foot had a wolf slipper on it.
Heero frowned, making several bishounen fall to the floor and writhe in ecstasy, "Something sweet and flavorful to attract sweet, nubile, young flesh to crunch and to munch on -this is the prerequisite for a Bitch's house." He took his frustration out on a tongue that came a bit too close to his newly shined boots and pinned it to the hardwood floor with a nine inch heel.
Trowa nodded thoughtfully in agreement, having tasted one of the sweet and flavorful little tubes decorating the cottage in bright and colorful packages. It was indeed sweet and flavorful, coming in various colors and flavors, but not very filling. However, it was low in calories, and he did need to watch his weight. "I do wonder at how flavored lube and condoms would give the wrong impression though."
Many days passed this way. Heero beat the stuffing out of the various bishounen that seemed to be attracted to his multi flavored lube and condom cottage, not at all the types of creatures he would like to munch and to crunch on. Besides none of them would fit inside his oven!
Heero was very hungry and vowed to devour the very next sweet, nubile, young flesh that showed up at his home.
His friend, Trowa, was also having some problems. The over dedicated boy could not decide which part of his title to live up to. Should he be the Big Not So Bad Wolf or should he be the Cowardly Lion? He couldn't make up his mind, and so he decided to be both.
He would grab the skipping and humming Little Red Riding Hood, proceed to scare them silly, scream when his victim screamed, and both would run off crying.
It very much satisfied Trowa's sense of balance, but it too left him hungry, not to mention leaving him with the nagging feeling that he was doing something very wrong. He too vowed to devour the very next sweet, nubile, young flesh that showed up in his neck of the woods.
Thus were the circumstances in which the next, sweet, nubile, and young flesh showed up.
"gRrooowrrrrrlllll," growled Trowa, leaping out from behind the trees. He shook his wolf and lion paws impressively, adding an extra wiggle to his bushy tail.
"The hell!" screamed his unfortunate victim.
Trowa paused and looked closely. This was not the usual response that his roar would provoke. Then he sighed in disappointment.
It was a Little Black Riding Hood.
Actually, it was the first Little Black Riding Hood Trowa had ever seen, but since it was little (well, smaller than him) and wearing a black riding hood… The Big Not So Bad Wolf But More Like A Cowardly Lion sighed in disappointment. Union rules stated that he was only allowed to attack Little Red Riding Hoods or girls named Dorothy. It was a sweet, nubile, young flesh meant for Heero obviously. He waved one lion paw briskly, "Nothing to see here, move along, move along."
The Little Black Riding Hood carefully edged away from the Obviously Mentally In Needs of Repair Lion Wolf Thingy In Slippers and proceeded to skip, hop, and double plié on his merry way.
In short time, Little Black Riding Hood found himself in front of the multi lube and condom flavored cottage. Curiously, he peeked in through the windows but couldn't see much since they were very foggy. However, the curious boy did hear several low moans, grunts, whimpers, and other assorted noises.
Little Black Riding Hood wondered if they were doing IT.
Little Black Riding Hood had been taught in the School of Eventual Villain Fodder or Happily Wed Maidens, despite the fact that he lacked a maiden… hood, that IT was the biggest difference in avoiding becoming the former (and hopefully attaining the highly coveted latter position as opposed to the highly humdrum missionary position). If any dangerous circumstance presented itself, Little Black Riding Hood was to do IT and thus prevent himself from being eaten (in more ways than one). Since he lacked the internal functions to end up like the unfortunate Sleeping Beautys of the world, he could do IT as many times as the villain, or dangerous circumstance, presented itself. So quite gleefully and with a light heart (and skirt) had Little Black Riding Hood graduated and went to make his not so maidenly way unto the big wide world.
Only they had never told him what IT was because maidens, even if he didn't quite qualify as one, weren't supposed to know such things. Then they wouldn't be maidens, you see. Not that Little Black Riding Hood *saw* exactly because he wasn't a maiden in the first place, and would it have made such a big deal if he knew what IT was please?
His teachers answered with a firm 'yes' and sent him on his way.
So with armed only with a few vague notion of positions, un Sleeping Beauty like internal differences, and a basketful of food, Little Black Riding Hood managed to arrive at a cottage without ever having to do IT. This was sort of disappointing because maybe, having forced to do IT, he would finally have figured out what IT was and why it reverberated in his head ominously in huge black, bold, capital letters.
Ever inquisitive, Little Black Riding Hood intrepidly, and also quite rudely (they never seemed to teach basic manners and common courtesy at the School of Eventual Villain Fodder of Happily Wed Maidens), grabbed a bottle of strawberry flavored lube, opened it, and cautiously squeezed some out onto his wrist. About to take a taste, Little Black Riding Hood was unprepared to be confronted by the very grumpy and extremely bitchy owner of the cottage.
Little Black Riding Hood, recalling lessons for survival, batted his average length lashes enticingly and made sure to widen his big eyes for effect. Never mind that it made him feel like a sleepy cow, this was what he was taught. "Are you dangerous?"
Heero paused and thoughtfully tapped a leather-shod foot. Was he dangerous? Sure Big Bad Wolves were dangerous, but were Bitches truly dangerous? He eyed the Little Black Riding Hood's basket, sure that it was full of tasty tidbits. Screw crunching and munching on little boys and little girls or even bishounen, he needed some real food. "Yeah. Sure. I'm dangerous. Growl. Menace. Give me your basket."
Little Black Riding Hood gave over his basket with a single pout. His teachers had never mentioned a potentially dangerous situation in which the villain would be more interested in his basket of food than himself. With a sigh, he watched as the other boy methodically ate through the entire contents of the basket. "Are you quite done yet?"
Heero looked up with a lick of his chops. He felt much better. "That's no way to talk to a graduated Bitch from the School of Villainy. Prepare to die." Instead of the run of luck he had been having, wherein the bishounen would fall to their knees and beg to be punished, or even the training sessions back at the school, wherein his partners would fall to their knees and beg to be spared their life, this odd creature seemed to take comfort in his words.
"That's more like it," Little Black Riding Hood cheered. With a mildly flirtatious, but not overly so because he didn't want to give him the Wrong Idea, smile, he edged closer to the Bitch. "So do you want to do IT?"
"What," was Heero's flat response.
"You know… IT!" Little Black Riding Hood was frustrated, didn't even the *villain* know what IT was? Or maybe he was phrasing it wrong? "iT! It! it!"
"IT…," the vague beginnings of an Idea began to form at the back of Heero's brain. In fact, it was the vague beginnings of the Wrong Idea. "IT." He savored the starkly capitalized word like the best brand of lube money can buy.
The Finally Got a Clue Faery had finally paid Heero a visit. After having been lost in several lemony plots and other PWP devices for quite some time, he was finally fulfilling his obligations to the fluff genre too. He had, only a few minutes before, Finally Given A Clue to the Big Not So Bad But Really More Like A Cowardly Lion as the poor boy was being aggressively wrestled to the floor by a double browed Dorothy as a Little Red Riding Hood with huge blue eyes watched on in horror.
The Big Not So Bad But Really More Like A Cowardly Lion finally figured out what he wanted to be. He bitch smacked the Dorothy, having learned this maneuver from his best friend, grabbed the Little Red Riding Hood, and almost but not quite skipped to his Deep Dark Now Quite Disturbed Cave. Being the courteous and thoughtful friend he was, Trowa had pointed out the way to Heero's cottage where he was sure his friend would Finally Get a Clue.
"Oh," noted Heero as he looked at his outfit.
"Hn," observed Heero as he realized what had lured the bishounen in.
"Idea," leered Heero as he finally found a use for the multi flavored lube and condoms. Though he did glare at the Finally Got a Clue Faery and asked, "Are you saying my penis is too dry?"
"Thank you, Finally Got a Clue Faery," declared Heero as he openly eyed Little Black Riding Hood's not so maidenly attributes.
"I've Finally Got a Clue," stated Heero quietly as he grabbed Little Black Riding Hood by the hood.
"IT! IT! IT!," cheered Little Black Riding Hood as he was grabbed by the hood.
The Finally Got a Clue Faery took his leave with a merry twinkle in his eye and a dimple in his butt.
Needless to say both couples discovered many positions (former, latter, horizontal, vertical, diagonal…) and decided, rather decidedly, that certain Wrong Ideas weren't *that* Wrong… at least not without the proper equipment and pass words.
~Ye Merry Olde Ende~
Sleeping Beauty… you know the original version wherein she was awoken not by her prince's kiss but by the suckling of her babes…
 -___- I had to put this in *snickers* Ryan… *shakes head* *cackles*
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