Sweet Bean Buns
(aka. Relena's Guide to Bagging a Gundam Pilot)
By: Alexandra

Step Two:  It doesn't matter if appendages get pulled

 "Quatre….Quatre darling, don't do this to me….." the solemn boy whispered hurriedly into seemingly deaf ears. "Koi…please say something, anything…"

He cradled the blonde's delicate face to his chest. His love had mysteriously passed out and no one could stir him, not even his sister with a Ph.D. So Trowa, who had no medical knowledge further than "First Aid Kits and You ~ Gundam Edition" was called in, because what he lacked in scientific knowledge, he more than made up for with The Power of Love ™. Why, why his Quatre….


He sobbed into the flaxen hair, more emotional than any of the Winners during that Special Time of the Month ™.


"QUATRE?" he yelled at the youth. "I mean….Quatre?" Trowa looked into the boy's face to see if he'd heard any of his outburst. Not something he wanted his lover to remember anytime soon. He was the stoic one; his boyfriend was the wailing one. No one must ever be led to believe the roles might be switched behind the curtains….


"Quatre?! Are you okay?"

"Nooo…." He moaned, sweat swelling on his forehead, suddenly thrashing about in Trowa's embrace.
"Nooo….not that….please not that….he's too young…..no…oh my g- NO RELENA DON'T DO IT!!! NOT TROWA!!! PUT THE HEART SPRINKLES DOWN!!!!" he screamed , breaking free of Trowa's attempted subduement. Eyes wild and frantic, he turned to his lover. His pale hands locked themselves around the brunette's thin wrists.

"Quatre I'm okay! I'm okay love, calm down, no one's here, it's just you and me…."

Trowa smiled in an effort to bring the Arabian back to reality, however, the youth turned to stare at the bed.

"Oh Trowa……god it was awful….and what's worse is it's reality……"

"What's reality Quatre?"

The blonde looked to his long time friend, hating to be the bearer of such horrific news. Trowa could feel the pain emanating from those gorgeous cerulean eyes….

"Trowa, I don't know how to say this really, but……Relena likes you."

A small smile played on the lips of HeavyArm's pilot again.


Quatre couldn't believe he'd woken from the nightmare yet.

"Trowa, I said Relena likes you. As in she wants to sleep with you."

Trowa appeared unfazed yet again.

"Duh Quatre, everyone knows that….so what else is new?"

"Trowa….Relena Peacecraft wants to date Trowa Barton, not Heero Yuy."

Suddenly that small smile took a nose dive off the face of the earth.

"Good joke Quatre, but not too funny."

"Trowa, I am serious. Dead serious. The girl wants my sweetheart!!!"

Quatre buried his head in his hands and began weeping, not accustomed to having to deal with such life- threatening ordeals. Trowa kissed his partner's silky hair, then ever so slowly moved to get up.

"If you'll excuse me…."

Quatre peeked through his fingers at his love. What was he doing? The tall youth walked calmly to the restroom adjoined to the bedroom, opening the door and closing it quietly. All of a sudden noises of a fist slamming into a wall could be heard, coupled with loud, indistinguishable garbled cries. Five minutes later, Trowa walked back out just as peacefully, although this time he was cradling his hand.

"So my love, do you have any plan of action?" the now injured Gundam pilot hissed through clenched teeth.

"Oh Trowa just hold me…..I don't want to think about such awful things right now….."

"Quatre…ano…well, you can hold me if you want……"

And so the sullen couple huddled together on the large bed, contemplating the doom that lay ahead of them.


Gentle ocean noises floated around the young boy, intoxicating, soothing……

"I am one with the ocean. I am one with the sea. My body sways with the tides. My soul floats with the mist. I am one with the ocean. I am one with the sea. My body sways with the tides. My soul floats with the mist. Nataku feels me…..I am one with the ocea--"


"God damn this stupid mood machine! Take its soul to Hell Nataku!!! You will feel my justice!!!!"

Wufei maniacally began stomping the poor machine Quatre had bought him for Chinese New Year until only broken plastic chips lay scattered about his heaving angry form.

"I'll show you altering nature! I am the ocean dammit!!! Not the jungle!!! Not your damn crystal falls!! Not the arctic wind!!! THE OCEAN!!! That'll be the last time you ruin my meditation, demon spawn!!"

He spit on the last pieces for good measure. Confounded machines that didn't sport dragon heads….what good were they anyway? And his friends wouldn't stop bringing them either…

"Here Wufei, a toaster will do you good. No more open fires in the complex, kay?"

"Here Wufei, a microwave will do you good. You can learn how to use it, so next time you don't catch our curtains on fire…."

"Here Wufei, everyone needs a blender. I know smashing rocks together may seem easier, but……and I heard you totaled Duo & Heero's curtains last week…..get with the 90's….."

"It's only a simple can opener Wufei. Look, no need for your sword anymore! I mean they can be tricky sometimes, but this is much more…..umm….sophisticated?

He'd thrown all those monstrosities out as well. The toaster never wanted to spit back out the toast, and when he attempted to pry it out with his sword that – really --  sucked, the microwave had so many possible button combinations he felt like he was piloting his Gundam again, the blender was permanently stuck on puree, and he didn't even want to think about the damn can opener and the headaches it had provoked….

He had no need for these "TV dinners", "frozen goods", or "Bagel Bites". A warrior need not corrupt his body with such, such, preserved goods anyway.

And besides that….the calories were adding up -- Nataku had noticed.

And he had to keep his body toned firmly in every which way until that special day occurred, when—

"Wufei? Wufei are you in there?! I, Relena-sama, Queen of the World, must speak to you immediately! Open up! Don't keep me waiting or…or…."

You'll throw a fit. Stupid woman.

"….I'll throw a fit!! So open this door!"

"Coming, woman! Stop yelling!"

Ugh, why was she here…He was almost sure he'd thrown her off his trail by now. If he had to look brain dead one more time to get her to quit her yapping…

The thoroughly irritated pilot unlocked the door, and almost immediately after opening it was swamped by a very….rabid… young girl dressed in pink.

"Wufei, I am going to be frank with you."

And by frank she meant she was going to lie until she got the results she wanted. Relena grabbed a hold of Wufei's black tank-top firmly so that she could speak "earnestly" to his face.

"Trowa and I are dating. Yes yes, I know you may be jealous, and I know that cancels all future bike rides, but I need you to tell me what to do on a date with him. Tomorrow is school and I want to be able to ask him to do something on the weekend he'll enjoy. I know you know him Wufei, you can't deny it. I saw that pic where you let him sit on your precious motorcycle…."

Wufei blushed slightly. How did anyone else get a hold of that picture?

"Yes woman, we are friends. I find it hard to believe he would date the likes of you though."

He managed to pry her fingers off of his shirt, pushing her a little further away.

"Well, we're in the process, so, uh…answer the question dammit!"

"Taking Trowa on a date? I wouldn't know how to entice him."

The impassive Asian began guiding Relena back out the door.

"C'mon Wufei…I don't think Quatre's seen that photo yet…and you don't want to make him angry, trust me…"

He came to a halt. She was playing dirty. So like a female.


He tilted his head to the side, dark eyes fixing on the ceiling fan, muscular arms crossing his chest.

"If you must know, first I would take him to the zoo, because he has such a soft spot for animals. Once there I would make sure to indulge his slight sweet tooth with cotton candy, a favorite of his from working in the circus. Afterwards I would take him to an elegant restaurant, where I would order a teriyaki steak for myself and filet mignon for him, coupled with the finest house salad, topped with French dressing for me, and the shrimp vignette for him. I would follow the meal up with a stroll through the local park in which we would exchange thoughts and inquiries about the nature of justice, ending at one of the benches beside the lake. And then…then....well then you could do whatever."

Relena stared, dumbfounded.

"Wufei….how did you…."


"Well I mean--"


"Okay, fine I'll leave.


"Oh and Wu-chan?"


"Thanks for the info; I'll be sure to keep that picture between the two of us, 'kay?"

She winked. He snorted.

Relena, now newly inspired and eager to begin the hunt, rushed out the door, leaving Wufei to stand with his head hung amongst his meditation pillows and mood machine pieces once again.


"Shut up."


"Do you really think this is the best thing to do Trowa? I mean knowing Heero he probably won't even care…"

Trowa turned to look at his nervous boyfriend.

"Well if he can't stop her we certainly can't," he stated calmly.

The boy's gaze turned to the door in front of the couple before resuming his speech. Muffled bass could be heard pounding on the other side.

"He's the only thing on earth that seems to get through her thick skull, and even then her deranged mind normally twists what he says into some godforsaken compliment that she neither deserves nor would ever begin to imagine lest I have my way with her and then she'd never be able to think again only drool all over that crappy pink suit of hers and --"

"Trowa! Snap out of it!"

A gloss had slid down his dark emerald eyes while he continued to speak at a steady pace.

"—then she'd see what it was really like to succumb to constant battering I mean look at what happened to that Dorothy girl after spending day after day with Relena now she's in some mental hospital talking to her hand about how absolute pacifism could save them time and money when it came to ruling Lego people…."

Trowa turned his head to look at Quatre again. A fervent glow peeked through the glaze.

"I like the glow-in-the-dark ghost too much to cut him out of the action Quatre. I won't let her defile my ranks just because it happens to be occupied by plastic, soul-less, bloodthirsty ghouls. It's what the pirates deserve."

A sweat drop rolled off of the blonde's pale forehead as he subconsciously made a Note to Self.

Never let Trowa visit anyone in a mental hospital ever again. Ever again.

"Uhh…..you're right Trowa. It is…um, what they deserve. Now let's just ask Heero if he can tell Relena to leave you alone, shall we? Darling? No Lego people harmed in that, okay?"

2nd Note to Self :
Find Trowa's Legos. Give them to younger sister. Get Trowa interested in water sports.

He nodded awkwardly, as if he wasn't quite sure that the ghosts would be left alone, but pretty damn sure Relena needed to leave him alone.


Quatre rapped his hand against the door to Heero & Duo's apartment. The two waited patiently for someone to open the door.

Trowa shifted uncomfortably. Quatre ran a hand through his hair.

"You know, they could be having sex again. You know every time we show up that's always the case."

"Yeah, I know."

He knocked again, harder. Still no one answered.

"Let's try the window."

The two pilots meandered over to the window. Trowa cupped his slender hands to the glass, attempting to see inside. Luckily, the two had left the blinds open, accustomed to closing the now half-torched curtains over them.

"Can you see anything dear?"

"Huh. It's dark, but I think I see something…."

His eyes were having a hard time adjusting to the light. That and the fact that Duo was shirking his duties as housecleaner extrordinaire didn't help either. The window was grimy enough for a whole colony of god knows what kind of bacteria to live and reproduce on quite happily.

"Quatre, pass me your handkerchief, will you?"

"Maybe we should just talk to them at school…."

"C'mon Quatre, this is important enough to interrupt their romping for once. Just let me see your handkerchief koi. Please."

It wasn't that he cared so much about interrupting them, but more about getting slime all over his favorite hanky. Oh well, he always kept it for emergencies like this. Digging into his pocket, he pulled out a lavender satin hanky with a SD portrait of Sandrock in one corner. Grudgingly he handed it over.

"Oh hey this is cute. Can I have one with HeavyArms on it?"

Quatre was tempted to ask if a Lego ghost wouldn't make him happier, but he decided to hold his tongue. After all, Relena brought out the worst in all of them.

"Sure. When we get back I'll have the seamstress make you one. But for now…"


Trowa ran his tongue over the fabric, much to Quatre's liking, and began wiping a circle of dirt away so that they could peek in on the two and decide whether or not to bust the door in. They were both, after all, trained professionals in the art of guerilla warfare, hence making any Gundam pilot not look twice if their door was to become a victim of instinct. The brunette went back to spying, pressing hands and his bang against the window.

"Oh hey! They're in there! And…….oh my……."

Up until now, Trowa hadn't paid much attention to the music blaring at full volume within the apartment. Duo was known to like his drinks hard, his music loud, his house messy, and his men deeply disturbed. But what Trowa saw within in the small living room truly amazed him.

Heero stood with a microphone in his hand, decked out in unbelievably tight black leather pants, a red shirt dangling about him, undone and obviously more than a little ruffled up. That was enough for one day, seeing Heero smiling and looking quite happy to be mistaken for a flamer. But Duo……Trowa nearly had a heart attack.

The boy was standing on the glass table, microphone in hand, hair flailing about wildly as he twirled. Fishnet stockings ran up his legs, the kind with the line going all the way up the back letting everyone know you meant business, only to be hidden under mounds of white frills bouncing from below an ensemble that vaguely resembled something a maid or cigarette girl might wear. The music blared and Heero began singing loudly in his…interesting… voice, swaying while he threw lyrics at Duo. Trowa had to hear this.

You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
When I met you
I picked you out, I shook you up, and turned you around
Turned you into someone new

Heero reached for Duo's leg, sliding it up the back of his thigh. Trowa blushed.

"Trowa what is it?"


Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet
Success has been so easy for you
But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too

The dark boy pulled Duo off of the table, forcing their bodies against one another's. Duo pretended to be flustered, holding his hands up in protest.

Don't, don't you want me?
You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me
Don't, don't you want me?
You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

"Are they screwing in the living room again?"
Heero began raising his voice.

It's much too late to find
You think you've changed your mind
You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry

Duo pushed the boy away, nimbly jumping back onto the table, crooning the refrain with his lover.

Don't you want me baby?
Don't you want me ohhhhhhhhh
Don't you want me baby?
Don't you want me ohhhhhhhhh

"Well are they there or not?!"

"Umm….come here and look for yourself…."

Quatre saddled up beside Trowa, cupping his hands to stare through the glass.

"Oh my god…."

Shinigami never looked so good in a dress. Duo danced about excitedly, eager to sing his part of the song.

I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
That much is true
But even then I knew I'd find a much better place
Either with or without you
The five years we have had have been such good times
I still love you
But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own
I guess it's just what I must do

The pilot in drag held out his hand to Heero, hauling him onto the table so they could sing face to face.

Don't you want me baby?
Don't you want me ohhhhhhhhh
Don't you want me baby?
Don't you want me ohhhhhhhhh

The boys grinned crazily at one another. Slowly the microphones fell from their hands, and as usual when it came to the two sharing affection, they ended up kissing madly, Heero keeping one hand under Duo's skirt at all times.

Trowa and Quatre on the other hand, couldn't quite figure out how to react while the song ended and some other 80's pop hit started playing. Pulling their faces away from the glass meant that they had to deal with commenting on what they had just witnessed with words. Intelligible words. Continuing peeping, however, would mean watching their friends fuck on the table, as Heero had already pinned his boyfriend to the table top and was taking off his shirt.

So, as they backed away from the window, the couple did the only thing that made sense. In a mad dash down the complex stairs, the boys laughed hysterically all the way to Wufei's apartment.


"Wufei? Wufei are you in there? It's Trowa, I need to speak with you!"

His heart skipped a beat. Trowa? At his apartment? Come to run to him for protection against that evil wench?

"Please, open up!"

Wufei ran to the door, simultaneously unlocking it and looking through the peep hole. Trowa stood slightly hunched over, one hand over his mouth, the other wrapped around his waist. Were those tears streaming down his face? Trowa was crying!

Altron's pilot tugged at the door, ready to embrace the poor, broken boy.

"Trowa……it's okay."

"No, it's not!" the other choked out.

"Here, come inside."

Trowa didn't move. Instead a hand reached for his pant leg, attempting to pull its body off the floor. Quatre? Quatre was with him? And Quatre was laughing? Wait, was Trowa laughing too?!

What the hell was going on?

The giggling boys stumbled inside Wufei's humble abode, gasping for air inbetween outbursts. Trowa fell to his knees, followed by Quatre falling on top of him and both of the them collapsing on the rug beneath them.

"Does anyone care to explain what is going on?" Wufei spat icily, his mood suddenly soured.

Realizing that their behavior might be grating on any person's nerves who hadn't witnessed what they just had, the two attempted to pull themselves together, gingerly standing up and trying to act serious.

"Wufei," Quatre began, "you would not believe what we just – is something burning?"

Quatre sniffed for a moment. Incense, and an underlying scent of…….burning plastic?

"Oh my god there's a fire in your living room!!!"

The youth jumped on his boyfriend in fright upon looking to the center of the room. There laid a small bonfire surrounded by rocks and sand. Trowa showed no particular concern, having witnessed Wufei's living room campfires on more than one occasion. Wufei stood staring at the blonde responsible for ruining his day twice now, first with that machine and then with whatever the hell this interruption was.

"Hnn. What wouldn't I believe, Winner?"

Quatre looked up at Trowa, and then back to Wufei. Since the blazing flames seemed not to bother anyone but him, he tried to finish his sentence.

"Well, uh, you would not believe what we saw Duo and Heero doing!!! They were –get this-- all dressed up singing karaoke in their living room!!!"

Wufei appeared unimpressed.

"I know."

"You what?!" Quatre and Trowa both sputtered at the same time.

"Is that all you came barging in here for?"

Trowa spoke up this time.

"But Wufei….how…"

"Wom –I mean Trowa!"

Wufei blushed.

"That's really…."



Wufei blushed deeper.

"Well you two have more important things to worry about, don't you. Relena came to me professing her love for Trowa today. I suggest you do something about that."

"That's why we came to see Duo and Heero," Quatre volunteered cheerfully. He paused as a thought occurred to him. "Why would she come see you about Trowa?"

If it was humanly possible, Wufei's head had morphed into a beet.

"I don't know. She's crazy."

Nods of understanding ran abundant coupled with "ahh"s of enlightenment.

"Well then," Trowa began, "I guess we should try to talk to the guys tomorrow. Come along Quatre-kun."

His lover sheepishly clasped his hand, the memory of giggling all over Wufei's rug still fresh in his mind.

"Oh and Wufei?"

"TROWA!!! I mean, god, sorry, it's been a long day. Yes?"

"Can you tell Heero we need to speak to him as soon as possible?"


The boys walked out of the door, hushed and covered in the goo of awkwardness, leaving Wufei to stand with his head hung amongst his meditation pillows and the miniature inferno.


The young dragon slapped himself on the forehead. This was just not his day.

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