Hey There Ladies!
by darklovesw@aol.com

*Plush red curtains swing back dramatically, revealing a sole lithe figure  silhouetted against a dark    backdrop. The man stands facing the backdrop for a few moments. Then suddenly, in one dramatic whirl he spins around, light dancing off of his crystal blue eyes heavily lined with pencil, blond hair flickering about*

"Hey there ladies."

*His lips split into a charismatic smile, while the soft spotlight allows for admiration of his clothes: a velvet black coat lined with thick ostrich feathers at the neck and cuffs, cut high to display his abdominal muscles, coupled with slick leather pants that cling to the legs and heeled boots beneath them.*

"Yes I know, you're thinking, 'Benimaru, what brings you to speak to us today? Don't you have some seducing to do somewhere, or a runway to flaunt your tush on right about now?' "

*Places one hand on hip, and raises the fingers of the other to faintly touch his lips*

"And of course, as women normally are, you'd be damn right."

*Grins and lets arm fall to the side*

"But I'm taking time off from my busy schedule of endless photo shoots and night long orgies to say that I, the ever caring and ever sexy professional fighter from Team Japan, understand your wants. And needs. It's what a sweet guy like me knows best, ne kawaiinochan?"

*Winks seductively*

"Which is why you'll be happy to know I was never one to turn a deaf ear to this whole "shounen ai" phenomena which is so oft whispered about during Kyo vs. Iori matches and the likes. Don't think we don't know about these things ladies, because we do. We know all right. Don't think the twinkle in your eyes when you watch our gorgeous, taut bodies embrace each other doesn't betray your thoughts. The look of longing is not for us individuals solely, we all grow to learn that. It's for our frenzied tugging and pulling, slapping and throwing, that you wish would just turn into something a little bit more.

And you'll be happy to know, from now on it will be.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, yaoi fans of all ages, Benimaru Nikaido has used his divine persuasive powers to change the face of fighting tournaments forever.

That and I jumped in a few more beds than usual…"


"No more of this 'let's come out with a bitter rivalry that impresses the macho fans' crap. We're all ready to tell the truth. Every single one of your fav guys who was born ready to impress the world. And I said all of us. Isn't that right Jedah, o infamous Vampire Savior?"

*Looks to his right, folds arms across chest. A tall shadow emerges from nothingness. Benimaru blows a kiss in the general direction*

"What is that human, sarcasm staining your voice?"

*The demon's blade-like wings stretches out, his crimson eyes glow. As usual, he keeps his delicate hands in his pockets, hovering as he looks to Benimaru*

"Oi oi Dark One, I'm a lover not a fighter! Even more so now!"

*Looks to front and winks again*

"Just tell them it's the real deal and you can go back to reigning omnipotent or whatever the hell you do in your spare time…"

*Jedah glares, then chuckles abruptly*

"Perhaps you should find out what I do in my spare time, human…"

*Benimaru sweatdrops, demons not being in his realm of things to mate with. A horde of bats suddenly appear beside Jedah, screaming and flapping. They clear, leaving behind and angered Demitri*

"Perhaps he shouldn't. Get someone else to help you out Nikaido. Jedah has an appointment with me."

*The two otherworldly beings stare at one another, glaring white eyes of the vampire locked onto the fiery eyes of the demigod*

"Jaa, mortal."

*Jedah pulls a hand out to clutch the Prince's suit, then bends down and slams his fist into the stage floor. Shimmering violet and maroon goo bursts around the couple and they depart. Benimaru bears a confused expression for a moment, then looks down in understanding*

"Oh gross! He got that shit on my new boots!!!"

*Benimaru pulls out a black handkerchief from his coat and begins frantically trying to clean his boots*

"Bloodsucking weirdos….oh well. Okay, so that really didn't work out, but you all know I'm a man of my word. Like I said, all of us are in agreement, so, let me give a warm welcome to Setsuna and Emilio!"

*Benimaru stands alone, smiling and clapping. Eventually he stops. Silence ensues*

"Setsuna and Emilio?"

*Toushes temples*

"Dammit, I knew this would happen. Never try and round up a group of hormone infested men…Where are they?"

*A familiar voice starts up in the background*

"Ano…Benimaru-sama…they'll be here later?"


*Crosses arms*

"bring out the Dreamcast then so I can show these people I'm not lying."

*"Burning (^_^)" Shingo Yabuki sheepishly rolls out a Dreamcast on a cloth-covered cart*

"H-here Benimaru-sama!"

*Shimgo reaches under the cart and drags out a Soul Caliber CD. His eyes shine with admiration as heholds it out for Benimaru to take*

"You can leave now."

*Benimaru takes the CD. Shingo turns to leave, and is slapped on the butt by Benimaru's free hand. Shingo stops, shocked, and turns red in the face. He sprints back behind the curtains. Benimaru chuckles, opens the CD case and places the game in the machine. He pushes power and the backdrop lights up eith the Dreamcast logo*

"Okay, this is what I'm talking about. We all know the old 'Round 1 – Fight!' routine, don't we? Followed by two guys busting ech other up? Well let's take a look at a new styleof fighting game, shall we?"

*He holds the controller in his hands, and sets up a match between Kilik and Maxi. The announcer hollers "Kilik vs. Maxi – Round 1 – Fight!!" and the round begins. The two face each other in relaxed stances; Kilik leaning on his rod, Maxi with his nunchaku slung over his shoulder. Kilik's expression is less than pleased*

"So…..what was the deal with last night?"

"Huh…what about last night?"

"Don't play dumb with me Maxi, you know you were supposed to call me!"

*Maxi flicks his hair back*

"Hey I was busy all right, let it go."

*Kilik thrusts Kali-Yuga into Maxi's stomach*

"~BLEEP~ing A Maxi, you always pull this shit on me! I skipped practic with EdgeMaster to wait for your call!!!'

*Maxi counters and pushes the rod away. Sparks fly*

"How many times do I have to tell you Kilik? I have a life outside of dating you!"

*Kilik, angered further, yells, then balances on his rod and Kicks Maxi square in the chest. Maxi falls backwards*

"Don't talk to me like that!"

*Kilik's eyes swell with tears and he turns around abruptly. Maxi slowly stands back up on his feet*

"You're making everyone think we have a dysfunctional relationship, I hope you know that."

"Well maybe we do!"

"Keep talking like that and I'll throw you out of the ring."

*Kilik turns aroundand flicks tears off his eyes*

"Just try it!!!"

*Maxi runs towards his counterpart, shoves Kali-Yuga out of the way, and performs Mark of the Snake ™      on Kilik's chest, rapidly beating against him until he falls on his back. Maxi crouches over him, then pins the boy's neck down with his nunchaku*

"I swear boy, you overreact sometimes. Calm down, you know I still love you…"

*Kilik seems less than convinced, turning his head aside*


"Fine then. You wanna know why I couldn't call you last night?"

*Kilik looks at him from the corner of his eye *

"Because I was too busy making reservations for a Valentine's Day getaway, that's why. There you have it. The surprise is ruined."

*Kilik smiles widely and wraps his arms around Maxi *

"You shouldn't have! That's so sweet!"

*Maxi blushes and the two kiss. And kiss again. Then kiss some more. Then grope one another. Maxi takes off his jacket. And things start to exceed the 'Teen' rating. The announcer hurriedly yells "Maxi wins!" and Benimaru switches back to the character selection screen *

"How was that? Hmm? Just a tad more interesting than usual, right? But wait, there's more. I only deliver the best!"

*Smiles broadly. He selects Voldo and Siegfried. Announcer: "Voldo vs. Siegfried – Round 1 – Already in Progress!" *

"Listen Voldo, I told you, I'm already seeing someone."


"Voldo, I said no."

*Siegfried leans heavily on his sword Requiem, tapping his foot in annoyance. Voldo, Bondage Freak Extrordinaire ™, drops to his kneww, clasping his Katars, Shame & Blame together to mimic pleading *

"Give it a rest! I don't date people I work with!"

*He throws his arms backwards, and arches his back, crab style. In an effort to impress Siegfried he runs around in the painful position, circling the knight. At a dizzying pace, he bends further, grabbing his ankles and forcing his body to roll around like a coin out of control, eventually tipping over in front of the blonde and uncurling. He stands up, panting, then turns his back to Siegfried , looking over his shoulder and walking away as seductively as he can muster. Voldo spins Shame and Blame crazily, then performs his ending flourish of slowly rolling/tumbling over himself until he lays in front of Siegfried with a foot up in the air *

"Oh my god, what the hell was that?? Your freakish mating dance from Hell? I said I was taken! T-A-K-E-N by Testament. You don't lay a finger on Sol…the Gothic type turns me on so much! So get lost before I split you in two!"

*He screams "Ora ora ora!" and swings Zweihander Requiem above his head. Voldo, now backing away, makes a hssing noise that could pass for "I can do Gothic!" and starts crying. This in itself is a bizzare ordeal, considering there's a bar shoved in his mouth and leather straps cover his eyes. Announcer: "Siegfried wins! Voldo may have been defeated, but the soul still burns!" *

"Pretty sweet, ne? Well not for Voldo, but…he has a relatively small fanclub anyways."

*A demo battle begins in the backgroud between Sophitia and Ivy. Benimaru turns to look. Sophitia and Ivy are both holding notecards and studying them intently. *

"Hey Ivy. I was just thinking because you look so hot in your – what the f—"

*Benimaru hastily shuts off the machine and puts the controller back *

"Sorry girls! I think that's part of the Father team's new project! But we're not gonna let a bunch of other hentais spoil our fun, are we ladies?"

*Makes victory sign *

"Of course not! Now your next question may be, 'Sure, you said this applied to all fighting games, but we've only seen Soul Caliber. And you might be getting a kick out of this, but what about other yaoi fans like me? What do they have to say?' One step ahead of you! Shingo-kun, please bring out video game addict and yaoi connoisseur Ms. Tifa Lockheart!"

*Creaking is heard from behind the curtains. The fabric shuffles and Shingo wheels out Tifa, who is sitting in a wheelchair with a cheerful smile, waving to Benimaru. Shingo leaves her next to our glamorous host and moves to pull the Dreamcast cart away. Benimaru holds onto the cart for a brief moment, mouthing something silently to the boy. Shingo turns red and pulls the cart off stage as fast as he can. *

"Welcome to my….show? Special? Infomercial? Oi, Shingo-kun, what do I call this?"

*More curtain shuffling *

"Eto….the sponsor says you can call it a show!"

"But there's no audience here!"

"She says don't worry about it and to show more skin!"

*Benimaru mumbles and takes off the coat, revealing one of his trademark shirts cut way to high not to seem feminine. The one happens to be black mesh. Tifa drools *

 "Excuse me…do you mind not drooling on my new boots?"

*She wipes her mouth, ending her 'Cloud  post-Lifestream accident' impersonation. She giggles *

"Glad to be here Benny-chan!"

"Don't call me that."

"Oh, okay."

*Silence ensues *

"So anyways Ms. Lockheart, you, being a player in the gaming industry yourself, as well as major hentai material for all of '97, have witnessed my miracle in action. Can the people  at home have some feedback?"

"Well…Benimaru, I just wanted to say that IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME US GIRLS GOT WHAT WE WANTED! It's because of this hellish male-dominated industry that I have to sit in a wheelchair when I'm not fighting to begin with! DD cup, size 2 waist….why don't they give me something I can really use, like a 'Get out of Menstruation Free' card??!!! I think we have a lot to owe you. I mean, I'm a major Sephiroth x Cloud fan, and I've been waiting for this day forever! Don't tell Cloud though! He'd tease me to high hell! Yuffie if you're watching keep your trap shut!!!"

*She giggles again *

"How long I've stood on the sidelines of the Ehrgeiz ring and watched their gorgeous bodies clash…I mean they're intimate in the dressing room to the point that we can all hear them, so why not in the ring for all of us to see? But now I can, all because of you Benimaru! Thanks!!!"

"No, thank you for supporting the shounen ai cause Ms. Lockheart."

"And remember girls, that's Ehrgeiz, the only fighting game where you can watch shirtless Sephiroth and Cloud race on the beach!"

"All right, Ms. Lockheart, the sponsor says no plugging your game. Come get her out of here Shingo-kun."

*Shingo walks out to wheel the enthusiastic Tifa backstage *

"Matte yo! I just have one more thing to say!!!"

*She jumps out of the chair and makes 2 V-signs *


*She falls back*


"Get her out of here Shingo, she's starting to make a fool of herself…"

"Hai Benimaru-sama!"

*Winks at Shingo. Purrs*

"Good boy…."

*Shingo and Tifa disappear behind stage*

"So now that you've heard from a fellow gamer, how about a pair of participants? Are Setsuna and Emilio here yet? And come back out here to get my coat Shingo-kun~~~! It's getting dirty!"

*Shingo jogs back out, kneels, and picks up the coat. He looks up to see Benimaru grinning voraciously*

"They're not here yet…Gomen!"

"It's okay, just take your cute self backstage again for Benimaru-sama."

*Shingo bows and leaves*

"Ooo, I do love that boy…..Okay, so anyway, since they haven't shown up yet…"

*Something crashes at the side of the stage. Shingo's muffled protests of "you can't go out there!" are ignored as a steel claw shreds through a part of the shuffling curtain. Vega, decked out in a rather smart tux struts onstage, coat tails flapping behind*

"Why is Nikaido hosting this damn thing?! Everybody knows I'm just a big a narcissist who seems every bit as queer, with moves just as flamboyant! Here you are getting all this undeserved adoration and Capcom may or may not include me in their next Street Fighter installment! I need the publicity, not you!!!"

*Benimaru opens his mouth to retort, but another angry figure steps in from the other side of the stage. Paul shows up still wearing his street attire worn during bouts. Benimaru and Vega stare, not quite sure why the burly fighter has shown up.*

"What're you punks looking at?! I'm here to say that the guys from Tekken are pissed they haven't been mentioned yet. Lee and Hwoarang say they deserve to be guests too. And besides…I have hair just like Benimaru's and no one invited me to host…."

*Benimaru looks to Vega, who looks to Paul and sneers (although it's covered by his mask), then points his claw at the intruder*

"That's because you look like shit since you started refusing to shave around Tekken 2."

*Paul squints, not sure he heard right*

"You are so not worth the pixels they wasted on you back in the SNES days, you arrogant sonuvabitch!!"

*Paul tackles Vega. The two start brawling*

"Shingo-kun! Someone! Get these guys off the stage!!! They're ruining my show!!!"

*Shingo, throroughly tired with running back and forth, but willing to do anything for a friend of Kyo's runs onto the stage, followed by a casually strolling Chris from the New Faces Team. Benimaru forgets all about the ruckus onstage as his jaw drops*

"Chris??!! How did Chris get in here Shingo?!!!"

*Shingo shrugs helplessly and jumps into the brawl. Benimaru begins backing away from the Orochi youth*

"I'm not here to hurt you. Not now at least."

*Benimaru swallows hard as Chris mouths 'that's what you get for sleeping with teenagers'*

"Then why are you here?"

"Because the sponsor thinks I'm adorable and couldn't resist letting me whup some ass."

*He runs towards the fray, stops, then calls over his shoulder :*

"See you later big guy…"

*He giggles then punches Paul in the stomach, while 'SHINGO KIIIIKKU!!!" roars above everything else. Eventually the two KoF boys manage to clear the stage*


*The pale Benimaru regains his composure by busting out a clove cigarette and lighting up*

"Okay, before everyone at home protests, you'd need a cigarette too after surviving what he put me through…I'll never make that mistake again…....Where were we?"

*A muffled "Is this the place?" can be heard from behind the stage, with faint curtain shuffling. Setsuna ans Emilio finally come out onto the stage, wearing the elegant attire they don on a daily basis*

"Setsuna! Emilio! I thought you guys weren't gonna come!"

*The two walk up to Benimaru and exchange greetings/hugs, while explaining how they got lost*

"Well now that you're here, why don't you tell the folks at home about the new shounen ai oriented system fighting games have adapted?"

*Emilio clears his effeminate voice*

"Why sure Benimaru-kun, we'd be happy to. At first, Setsuna and I weren't to sure about it we wanted the world to know about our problems, and what goes on behind doors. But we've found the jerking off-wait, no,"

*He squints*

"..working out?  our problems on the battlefield has really helped our love life and Setsuna's performance in b---Who wrote this shit? Who's that little punk ass bitch back there stuffing his face getting my cue cards all dirty and half-assing his job? Huh? Look at me when I talk to you punk!!! Or I'll put an arrow through you that's so large penis envy won't be your only problem!!!!"

*Benimaru and Setsuna exchange glances of disbelief, having a hard time believing that 16 year old Emilio was speaking. They look to the cue card  holder only to see Kensou shoving a meat bun into his mouth. Benimaru slaps his forehead*

"Masaka…..never hire the Teenager Team for help…."

*Kensou drops the cards and urges Emilio to make good on his word through various hand gestures and taunting. Setsuna holds Emilio back while Benimaru waves frantically at Kensou not to get himself into deeper shit*

"Okay you know what? This was a bad idea….take him home Setsuna….and Kensou, you better be ready to answer to me when this is over with!!!"

*Setsuna drags the cursing Emilio away, giving apologetic looks to Benimaru. He waves good bye and finally the two lave the stage. Benimaru motions Kensou over*

"Boy, how many times to I have to tell you to behave?"

*Kensou hangs his head*

"I'll admit though, that was pretty funny….but that doesn't mean you do it again, you hear?"

*Kensou nods his head and Benimaru places a kiss on it*

"Now go make sure Shingo hasn't gotten himself in some crazy predicament like you nearly did!"

*He watches the boy jog off stage and shakes his head in disbelief*

"This whole thing is getting crazy, so I think everyone has the idea by now, right? Just remember, just because you're female doesn't mean you won't get what you want from a fighting game anymore, due to--"

*He's cut off by a young blonde boy with a tattooed face running onto the stage. He stops in front of Benimaru and tries to catch his breath*

"Hey….Benimaru….man…you gotta….help a brother…out!"

"Who are you?"

"Zell! Zell Dincht! FF8? C'mon man, you gotta know me!"

*Benimaru pauses to think. Zell grabs onto what little fabric covers the host's chest*

"You gotta spread this thing into the RPG realm, you just gotta! I fight to!! That makes it a legal transition! This is my one chance to get Squall without Rinoa bitching and moaning in the background! 'Make me a copy of his ring' 'tell him I love him' 'steal me a pair of his boxers' – that girl is messed up! You gotta know what I'm going through…c'mon, please? I hear you're a really great guy and I really need help badly and PLEASE!!! I'D DO ANYTHING!!!"

*Benimaru smiles and looks over the desperate youth*


*Zell nods. Benimaru gleefully pulls a scrap of paper and a pen out of his pocket and scribbles on it*

"Here's my number sweet thing…give me a call and we'll work things out, ey?"

"Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!"

"Well I'm sure you can show me sometime….now run along, I need to wrap this up."

*Zell jogs offstage with a confused look on his face, examining the number he was given*

"Okay, so before anything else happens--"

*Kyo strolls out on stage, whistling. Benimaru looks exasperated*

"Hey man, where ya been?"

"Don't get me started, I'll tell you when we get back home…"

*Iori strolls in from the other side of the stage*

"I knew you'd do this Kyo. You said you'd see me tonight…'

"Well, I…."

*The two start arguing in the background*

"See what this started? It sure makes my life a hell of a lot more complicated now that everything's out in the open!!! But oh well, I guess it's a tad more exciting this way, hmm? This is Benimaru Nikaido, from Tema Japan, signing off. Oyasumi, and remember when all your yaoi fantasies come true, you have me to thank for it!!!!"

*Curtains close. More scuffling in the background, along with 'I don't see why we can't have a threesome' being stated forcfully. Wonder who that is ^_^?*

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